


Eiji and Felix

by Sekiraku



Series: Salt Gods [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood Drinking, Blood and Gore, Boats and Ships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fantasy, Fluff and Angst, Human Sacrifice, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Master/Servant, Master/Slave, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Power Imbalance, Religious Abuse, Religious Brainwashing, Slavery, Vampires, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 11:53:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 60,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22849708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sekiraku/pseuds/Sekiraku
Summary: A spinoff of my story Sacrifice following the adventures of Antony's discarded offering Eiji as he tries to deal with the damage his former master's neglect has caused and decide whether he can trust the strange god who has offered him a place.
Series: Salt Gods [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642624
Comments: 394
Kudos: 173





	1. Chapter 1

Eiji had been brushing his hair so long his wrist was sore. 

Father Shu had always told him to brush it a hundred strokes a day when he lived at the temple and dreamed of being chosen by Lord Antony. He’d kept up the habit even once it became clear that he was of no more interest to the god than the carpet under his feet, and no amount of grooming and beautification could change that. Six years had thudded past with excruciating slowness as he tried scheme after fruitless scheme to earn his master’s attention, right up until tonight. 

He knew his tenure as Lord Antony’s attendant was over. The ship had weighed anchor in the great port of his city, and the gods had gone ashore. Lord Antony had left without even a glance in his direction. When they returned, Eiji would need to be gone.

Gone to where, though? His friends in general service had told him over the last few weeks of the offers they received from various gods. Those who had had no such offers had finally been approached by Lord Felix, and he had found them all positions in service or employment. But what about those in personal service? He was the only one for whom it was even an issue… poor Akito was long dead, and Lord Theodora had told Hiroki that he could stay with her forever if he wished, which of course he did. Only Eiji lingered, as unimportant and unwanted as he had been since the day he left the temple.

Perhaps Eiji had been supposed to approach Lord Felix himself? It was too late now. He would be ashore with the rest. Would he be punished if Lord Antony returned and found him still here? Most likely. Would he be slaughtered if he wandered the ship alone and a god found him masterless? Probably not. There had been fatalities over the last few years, but he’d heard that Lord Antony punished any god who killed a human in general service. All but Akito- he’d been Lord Marcus’ to do with as he pleased, and his pleasure had been in his offering’s torment and death. Lord Antony had scolded the war god, but that had been the end of it.

Eiji would not like Lord Marcus to catch him alone.

He wished he’d been brave enough to ask Lord Antony what he was supposed to do. In both his happy days at the temple and his miserable years since, there had always been one constant for Eiji: someone always told him what to do, sooner or later.

Later, this time. Too late.

He wished for the thousandth time that he were back at the temple. He’d been a shining star there, the best of the best, praised and envied and admired. Here, he was furniture. Useless furniture that was only going to be in the way from now on.

Eiji’s self-pity was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. With a start, he realized he’d been mechanically brushing his hair the entire time. He let the comb fall, and it clattered noisily in his basin as he scrambled for the door. Was this it? Had someone come to take him to his new place? Relief left his head light and empty as he pulled the door open.

It wasn’t anyone he knew. The man was tall and broad-shouldered, some years younger than Eiji and as handsome as any of the other offerings. His clothes were plain, but very neat. Perhaps he was from the laundry. Eiji’s pride would be hurt by being relegated to the laundry, but at this point he barely had any of the stuff left anyway.

“Hello,” the man said. He smiled, and for a moment Eiji only noticed the warmth of that smile and the way it made the skin around the man’s dark eyes crinkle gorgeously. He had wonderfully kind eyes, Eiji thought absently. He offered a shy smile of his own in return. Perhaps the laundry wouldn’t be so bad.

“Hello,” he replied, and it was only then that he noticed the teeth.

The man’s eyes may have been gentle, but his smile revealed two lethally sharp fangs. His ears were tapered as well- how had Eiji missed it? His hair did nothing to hide them. Even as Eiji dropped into his long-overdue prostration, heart juddering in his throat, he was chiding himself for this carelessness.

“M-My lord!” he stammered, feeling the tremors start in his hands. He was masterless now, and it wouldn’t do to go about disrespecting gods. “Please forgive me, I didn’t-” He drew in a breath and collected himself. He’d never been one for falling apart, and he’d be damned if he planned to start now. “Lord Antony is not in. He's gone ashore with the others.”

“I know.” The man’s- the god’s- voice was low and soft, so that Eiji almost had to strain to catch it. “I stayed behind to keep an eye on things, and to see you. Please, rise.”

Eiji obeyed. Once he had lifted to his knees, he saw a hand extended down towards him. He felt a shiver of apprehension, but disobedience was unthinkable. He took the offered hand and submitted to being hoisted to his feet.

“I’m Felix,” the god said. Eiji had already figured as much, but he bowed his head in acknowledgement of the introduction. “And your name is Eiji, yes?”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji wished they could go sit down on the sofa, but it wasn’t his place to make the invitation and Lord Felix seemed loath to enter without it. They both stayed standing in the doorway.

“I suppose you know why I’m here,” the god said. 

Eiji gave a shallow bow. “I would not presume to guess at my lord’s intentions.”

“It wasn’t my intention to make you guess,” Lord Felix replied. “I wished to see if there was any assistance I could provide you, now that the cycle is near its end.”

He was being delicate, and Eiji wished he wouldn’t. He wished he would just say, _“Lord Antony doesn’t want you anymore, not that he ever particularly did, and I’m here to take away what little scraps of status you possessed.”_ Delicacy was for people, not food that had gone stale. Eiji no longer warranted such niceties. 

“You’re too kind, my lord,” he said, and cringed inwardly at his tone. He hoped the god couldn’t detect the tight falsity in his voice.

“What would be your preference?” Lord Felix asked, and Eiji relaxed infinitesimally. His tone had not been noticed. “A work detail, or personal service?”

Eiji opened his mouth to request personal service, but then he hesitated. On the one hand, he had been trained for personal service. He had dreamed of it his whole life, and once upon a time he had believed himself to be a master of its subtle arts. On the other hand, he found himself shrinking from the idea. Could he bear to disappoint another owner? Could he bear more years of silence and disinterest? At least a work detail would be straightforward. If he washed a dish, it would be clean. If he pressed a shirt, it would be neat. He would have the evidence of his eyes to prove his adequacy. It would not rest in another’s hands.

He’d been quiet too long. He was keeping Lord Felix waiting, and that was not acceptable. He bent his head humbly.

“Forgive me, my lord. It was not my intention to dally. I have heard from the others that some among the gods are gracious enough to permit their attendants a work detail as well as the honor of service. Would such an arrangement be possible?”

Of course it wouldn’t. He was the last to find his place. Every god that wanted a new attendant would have already chosen one of his cadre. He was being greedy, like a child asked to choose between two treats and demanding “Both!”

Lord Felix hesitated, which confirmed Eiji’s fears. He was going to have to choose: service, or self-sufficiency? There would be no way to balance the two.

“Yes,” the god said at last, and Eiji’s thoughts all vanished in a clean sweep of astonishment. “But I’m afraid there’s only one of us remaining who permits that. Would you be willing to enter my service?”

It was phrased as a question rather than the command he craved, but Eiji’s whole body still relaxed. Finally, he knew what to do. He dropped to the floor at the god’s feet, relief filling him to the roots of his hair. He drew in what felt like his first breath in weeks.

“My lord does me too much honor,” he said when he was sure that the words wouldn’t emerge as a shaky exhale. 

“Not at all.” Lord Felix’s voice was so grave and gentle that Eiji wasn’t even startled when he felt a cold hand resting lightly on his shoulder. “Your cadre was full of praise for you. The honor would be entirely mine.”

It was all an obvious lie. Lord Felix had said himself that he was Eiji’s only remaining option if he wanted the modicum of freedom a work detail would provide. He’d clearly extended his offer out of pity and obligation, and the old Eiji would have turned him down in an offended huff.

No more. The chance of a warrior god’s protection was too good to pass up.

“I am truly privileged to accept your gracious offer, my lord,” Eiji said. “I pray that my service will be satisfactory.”

He didn’t know whether there was more to it than that. Did he have to sign a contract or say an oath? Surely Lord Felix would tell him what was required.

“Please look at me,” the god said, and Eiji lifted his head and obeyed.

Lord Felix had crouched down in front of him, and he smiled when Eiji dared to meet his eyes. His face was just as kind up close, and Eiji felt the faintest stab of guilt low in his gut for taking advantage of that kindness to saddle the god with a used-up secondhand offering. 

“I will do my best to make your service to me easy and pleasurable,” Lord Felix said, continuing to rest his hand delicately on Eiji’s shoulder. “I will treat you with the respect you deserve, and I hope in time to earn your trust.”

He spoke the words with the deliberate heaviness of an oath, as if each one was a precious coin he was counting into Eiji’s palm. Eiji, for his part, was thrown into confusion. None of his cadre had mentioned anything like this, and anyhow, none of it seemed like anything that was owed. A god offered protection from the others, nothing more.

“… I’m not familiar with this ritual, my lord,” he ventured at last. “What reply am I meant to give?”

“It’s not a ritual,” the god told him, smiling. “It’s simply my own promise to you, Eiji. You don’t need to give any reply.”

Lord Felix rose, then extended his hand to help Eiji up again. This time, he took the offered hand automatically, distracted by the whirling confusion in his mind. What did the god mean by ‘the respect you deserve?’ Was it a threat? And what about making his service ‘pleasurable?’ Did Lord Felix intend to use him sexually? He would like that… _fuck,_ he would like that, he hadn’t felt an intimate touch since his training at the temple… but it had been so long, what if he didn’t remember his lessons? The one thing worse than never getting a chance at his master’s bed, as with Lord Antony, might be to get that chance and then ruin it for himself.

“Are you ready to move now?” the god asked. “I would like it if we had some time to get you settled before I have to return to my own duties.”

“Of course, my lord.” Eiji would have preferred a few hours to himself to get his thoughts in order, but as of this moment his sole purpose in life was to please Lord Felix, and the god had been kind enough to make it clear what course of action would please him.

Packing was a quick affair. Eiji had never moved any of the clothes and jewels the temple had sent with him from their chest. Once he gathered his comb, soap, tooth cleanser, and cosmetics, he was ready to leave the rooms in which he’d spent almost a third of his life.

“Is that everything?” Lord Felix asked. He’d been standing patiently in the doorway the entire time, and Eiji had been excruciatingly aware of his eyes on him. At Eiji’s assent, the god finally entered the room and retrieved his chest.

“Oh!” Eiji’s hands fluttered helplessly for an instant before he stilled them. _Don’t make a fool of yourself, he could still change his mind!_ “P-please don’t trouble yourself, my lord. I am your servant, please allow me-”

“Eiji.” The interruption was softened with another smile. “It’s no trouble. I could carry you as well without the slightest strain.”

The god’s tone changed on the last sentence. Was that… mischief in his voice? Was he teasing? Flustered, Eiji dared a glance at his eyes and was met with a wink.

Definitely teasing. Eiji’s mind spun frantically but failed to turn up the correct response, Finally, he bowed his acquiescence.

“As my lord wishes, in all things,” he murmured.

“I should hope not,” Lord Felix said lightly. “There would be many mistakes made. Shall we go?”

Eiji trailed after him, relieved that he didn’t seem inclined to actually pick him up. When the door shut behind him, Eiji felt a dizzy wave of unreality. He was leaving without Lord Antony’s permission, because he no longer required it. Lord Antony didn’t matter anymore. Everything in his world depended on the god striding ahead of him with his box hoisted easily on one strong shoulder. It was going to be difficult to adjust to that, but Eiji had little enough choice in the matter.

Lord Felix didn’t even bother readjusting the chest when, after a few moments of traversing the hall, he reached for a door handle. He swung it open, then gestured to Eiji.

“After you,” he said, smiling broadly.

Eiji’s first thought was to quibble about protocol and propriety. However, his long-honed instinct for obedience won out. By the time he had his protest worded in his mind, he was already through the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji settles in and stresses out, and Felix performs his version of laying down the law.

Lord Felix’s quarters seemed rather smaller than Lord Antony’s, Eiji noticed. His table was round and tiny, with three chairs drawn tightly against each other. There was no sofa, just two soft chairs in front of an enormous bookshelf that dominated an entire wall. Another wall was hung with heavy red fabric. Lord Felix strode towards that wall and pushed it, and Eiji realized it was a curtain.

“This is your… well, I don’t know if I can call it a room, but it’s yours.” A strange note in the god’s voice made Eiji dare a glance at his face. Lord Felix was looking down, his shoulders hunching slightly, the very picture of embarrassment. “I’m sorry it’s not more private, but the curtain muffles sound well enough that if you ask me to put cotton in my ears as well, I won’t hear anything. And of course I won’t pass the curtain without your permission.”

Eiji blinked helplessly at the god. He’d been ready to hear a list of chores, to be pushed against a wall for feeding or onto a bed for fucking, to be ordered to unpack while Lord Felix attended to more important things. He wasn’t ready for this, and he had no idea what to do or say in response.

Lord Felix shifted a little where he stood beside the curtain.

“May I please go in now to put your things down?” he asked finally.

Eiji nodded so quickly that his neck hurt. “Please,” he faltered.

“Thank you.” The god smiled and pushed through the curtain, and Eiji trailed helplessly after him.

It wasn’t a great deal of space, but there was plenty of room for a wardrobe, a smaller bookshelf, and a bed- not a cot, a real bed with a frame and legs bolted firmly to the floor, even though the mattress was bare and there were no pillows. Eiji was struggling to keep position instead of gawking at it all when Lord Felix put his chest down gently.

“I’m going to go get you some bedding,” the god said. “And I’ll let the kitchens know to deliver your meals here from now on. Is there anything I should know about your diet? Any allergies or dislikes?”

“No, my lord.” Eiji decided that the key was to treat everything as a dream and simply accept it as it came.

“Wonderful! Wonderful.” Though Eiji’s eyes were respectfully lowered, he could hear the smile in the god’s voice. “I’ll be right back. Please make yourself at home.”

Eiji stayed standing at attention, hands clasped behind his back and head down, until he heard the door shutting. Only once he was sure that his new master had gone did he dare to break position and give his surroundings more than a cursory glance.

The shelf was full of books in his own language, all secured with thick leather straps. Most of them seemed to be poetry, but there were histories, romances, bestiaries, horror tales, and even a book of recipes. The collection seemed like it might belong to one person, if the person had rather eclectic tastes. 

The wardrobe confirmed his suspicions. It was full of robes in every shade of the rainbow, most of which showed signs of wear. Lord Felix had just gotten rid of an attendant.

Eiji was going to have to tread carefully. Had the attendant been sent away as punishment for some infraction? Had he simply grown too old to be of interest? Or had Lord Felix killed the man? If so, had it been an accident or not? This was important information for Eiji to have, but of course it was not his place to ask. Maybe if his master really did permit him a work detail, one of the other men would know something.

He drifted over to the closet door. Here there was nothing but a washbasin to indicate a prior resident. Should Eiji begin unpacking? He hadn’t been ordered to, and it would involve moving the other offering’s things without permission, so best not to. Instead, he returned to the foot of the bed and knelt down facing the curtain. He would be ready when his new master returned.

Once he was in the familiar waiting position, Eiji finally began trying to think through everything that had just happened. Unfortunately, his mind was still rushing too wildly from one thought to the next for him to impose any order on them. He was, he realized, panicking. 

He had always been calmed by lists, so he started making one in his head as he knelt- a list of everything he knew about the god to whom he now belonged.

One: Lord Felix was Lord Marcus’ second. That was worrying, but not cause to panic just yet. After all, Lord Marcus was in turn Lord Antony’s second as well as his lover, and they were very different from one another. 

Two: Lord Felix arranged things for the offerings. Eiji wasn’t sure whether that was an official position he occupied or simply something he had ended up doing, but either way it was encouraging. The rest of Eiji’s cadre had spoken warmly of him after he had found them masters and work details.

Three: Lord Felix had disposed of another offering so recently that he still had the man’s books and clothes.

Four: Lord Felix wanted Eiji to think he was nice. Eiji couldn’t imagine how this would benefit the god, and it confused him. He had to know that Eiji would obey him whether he gave him a bed and smiled at him or not. 

Five: … there was no five. Gods, Eiji was ignorant. He only hoped that Lord Felix would be kind enough to explain his rules and preferences when he returned.

That was an advantage he had here that he hadn’t had with Lord Antony, if he dared to seize it. He might not know why his new master wanted Eiji to think well of him, but it was clear that he did. Perhaps if he did not offer a list of orders and regulations, Eiji could request one without incurring punishment. He knew it would be inappropriate to make a request unless he was invited to do so. Still, he thought he might take the chance. 

He had never known how to please Lord Antony. That made him a terrible attendant, he knew. It had been his _job_ to know. However, if he played his cards right, perhaps he could get Lord Felix to tell him how he could be pleased. He was sure that once he knew that, he could be a good offering again.

Well. Almost sure.

The door opened and shut, and Eiji dropped his useless ruminating. His master had returned and he needed to keep all his attention where it belonged.

There were a few footsteps, but they stopped in front of the curtain.

“May I come in?” the god asked. Then, even more unnecessarily, “It’s Felix.”

Damn, there was no appropriately respectful way to respond. Still, better to say anything than to keep his master waiting.

“I would be honored by my lord’s presence.” That was pretty good for a swift answer, Eiji thought proudly as he lowered himself into his full bow.

The curtain swished and the footsteps resumed. 

“Thank you,” Lord Felix said. “I’m going to put this chamber pot in your washroom, all right?”

For the first time since he was a scatterbrained adolescent, Eiji had to fight down the urge to break position. Everything in him screamed to jerk his head up and, if the god was actually carrying a chamber pot, yank it from his hands and place it himself. Why on earth was Lord Felix behaving as if he were the attendant?

“Would you help me make the bed?” his master asked when his footsteps had returned from the washroom. “It’s easier with two.”

Eiji was grateful for the chance to lift his head from the floor and see what was happening again. However, what was happening turned out to be very strange. 

Lord Felix was holding a tower of pillows and folded blankets almost as tall as he was. All Eiji could see of his master was a pair of legs, at least until the god set the pile carefully on the floor. He stepped around it and smiled a little sheepishly.

“I don’t know how much warmth or support you need to sleep comfortably,” he said by way of explanation. 

Lord Felix plucked a set of sheets from the top of the pile, which was beginning to teeter dangerously. Eiji padded obediently to the opposite side of the bed.

They worked quickly. Eiji noticed the confident efficiency with which Lord Felix’s large hands moved over the soft fabric. They were nice hands, he thought. He had to struggle to keep from stealing glances up at his master’s face.

“I asked about work details,” Lord Felix said suddenly. “Nearly everything has been filled, but in the kitchens they said they could use more hands delivering meals and clean laundry, taking away dishes, all of that. Would that be acceptable?”

It wasn’t what Eiji would prefer. It sounded suspiciously close to working as a servant to the other attendants, and his pride was a little rankled at the thought of serving humans like himself. Still, he had asked for a work detail, and the only reason Lord Felix had offered to take him into his service was because of that wish. If he refused, would the god give him to someone else? He didn’t have much information about Lord Felix, but it was more than he had about any other god. Anyhow, panic clawed his throat at the idea of disappointing another master, even one that had only owned him for an hour.

“I would be grateful, my lord,” he said with a shallow bow. Lord Felix looked up from the armload of pillows he’d been spreading over the top of the bed and smiled. Eiji relaxed a little. He’d given the right answer.

“Wonderful! You’ll want to speak with Zenji, then. He heads up all those operations. Anyone in the kitchen or laundry will know where to find him. Do you know where the kitchen is?”

“No, my lord.” Eiji hadn’t been anywhere other than Lord Antony’s rooms and the upper deck for exercise, at least until today. 

“In that case, I can take you whenever you like.” Lord Felix fussed over the pillows, straightening and arranging them. “Do you want to work every day? How many hours?”

Eiji had been wondering the same thing. “What does my lord permit?”

“I leave it entirely up to you,” Lord Felix replied, and his stomach plummeted. 

“P-please, my lord.” Damn it, why was he stammering? He was better trained than that! “I beg to know what would please you in this.”

“I see.” The god sounded grave, but not angry. “Will you join me in the sitting room? We should go over our expectations for this arrangement.”

“Thank you, my lord.” Eiji trailed his master from the room and, once Lord Felix was settled in one of the soft chairs, knelt gracefully at his feet. At least his body could still function as it had been trained, no matter the confusion of his mind.

“Would you please sit in the other chair?” the god asked. “I want you to be comfortable, and I would like us to be able to see each others’ faces when we discuss this.”

Eiji would have been more comfortable on the floor where he belonged, but he didn’t want to argue and jeopardize his chance to gain this information. He perched obediently on the other chair and met his master’s gaze.

Lord Felix was smiling. “Perfect. Thank you, Eiji. Now, what is it that you expect of our partnership?”

 _Partnership?_ It was all Eiji could do to keep from breaking their eye contact or dissolving into another bout of stammering.

“I wish only to serve you well and be pleasing to you, my lord,” he whispered desperately.

“I see.” Lord Felix nodded gravely. “Well, I fear you will find the services I require to be too few to occupy you fully. While I would be very grateful for any help you wish to provide with keeping our sitting room tidy, I am unwilling to give up my share of those chores entirely. It would make me uncomfortable to see the carpet in need of brushing or a shelf in need of straightening and leave it undone.”

Eiji’s heart sank. Even though Lord Antony had turned over all domestic upkeep to him, it had not been enough to keep him from hours of lonely boredom. How could he keep himself busy if he didn’t even get to do all the chores? 

That was quite enough thinking, he reproved himself. He was here to learn his master’s will, and it was being expressed in plain speech. That was more than he could have hoped for, far more than he deserved.

“I also spend a great deal of time outside these rooms,” Lord Felix continued. “I have plenty to keep me occupied about the ship, and I want the same for you. As such, you are at liberty to take as many hours of work as you wish. My one request is that you allow me the pleasure of your company for an hour or two on the first morning of each week. I would appreciate the conversation.”

“If it is your wish to converse with your humble servant, I would be honored by my lord’s attentions.” _Thrilled,_ more like, though it wasn’t an appropriate word to use. Eiji’s chest warmed with excitement at the prospect. Even more than his master’s touch, he loved the idea of discussion, a chance to try to charm the god.

As quickly as his excitement mounted, it dissipated again. Who did he think he could fool? Lord Antony had rarely spoken more than a word or two to him a day for six years. He would do his best for his new master, but Lord Felix was bound to be disappointed and discontinue the practice before long.

“I do wish it.” The god’s warm smile only made Eiji feel worse at the prospect of letting him down. “I seek out attendants primarily for the companionship, so I will be grateful for any you choose to provide. I won’t demand that you behave in ways that make you uncomfortable. If you prefer to address me formally and carry on our conversations on your knees, I won’t interfere.”

What did all of that mean? What other options were there? He was a _god,_ of course Eiji would treat him with the proper reverence.

“As for the rest of your leisure time, please feel free to use it as you like.” Lord Felix gestured to the shelves around them. “All of my books are at your disposal.”

Eiji had never been a great reader, but he nodded earnestly. “Thank you, my lord.”

“I suppose that leaves the issue of feeding.” Lord Felix looked down, breaking the eye contact that Eiji had struggled so hard to maintain. “If you don’t wish me to drink from you, I can keep going to the barracks. I wouldn’t be offended, so please be honest.”

“Please use me.” Eiji felt his face heat at the overeager way he’d blurted it out- no honorifics, even- but if there was one thing he was certain he wanted, it was this. “I would be honored if my lord chose to feed from me, unworthy as I am. It would be a great privilege.”

It was the one thing he knew he could do right. After all, all he had to do was sit there as the god drank. Even Eiji couldn’t fail in a task like that.

Anyhow, he wanted to do everything he could to keep his master away from the quarters where the new offerings would soon be housed. They would all be fresh and beautiful, and Eiji wasn’t getting any younger. All he had to offer was his eagerness to serve, and they would be just as eager. Their submission would still be joyful and uncomplicated by bitter experience, unlike his. His best chance at being kept was to give Lord Felix no reason to seek out the younger men.

“All right.” If the god was surprised at his vehemence, he gave no sign. He smiled and met Eiji’s eyes again. “Thank you, Eiji. That’s very kind. Do you have any questions about anything I’ve told you?”

_Why did you take me? What happened to your last offering? Why are you being so exhaustively polite? Do you really mean it when you say I can work as much as I want? What did you mean about proper behavior being optional? Will I be allowed the honor of your bed? How can I keep from disappointing you?_

He bowed his head. “No, my lord. Thank you for the clarity.”

If he had been a good attendant, he wouldn’t need any more information than his master chose to grant him in order to do his duty.

He would just have to keep pretending he was a good attendant and hope that Lord Felix wouldn’t realize the truth too quickly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised... an apology for yesterday's non-chapter in the main story! XD <3 Thanks for being good sports, y'all!

After Lord Felix went over his- rules? His list of privileges and one single command, more like- he leaned back in his chair and smiled. Eiji mistrusted the pleased glow that he felt every time that smile was leveled at him.

“Well, I’m glad to have all of that settled. Would you like any help unpacking?”

“Please don’t trouble yourself, my lord.” Eiji bent his head. Surely now that they were done with their discussion, he was no longer required to maintain eye contact, and it made him feel terribly disrespectful.

“Nothing I can do to make you feel welcome and settled will be any trouble to me, Eiji.”

The words were too kind, too much like what he’d dreamed of Lord Antony saying to him when he was a starry-eyed teenager. The warmth in them felt dangerous. To his horror, Eiji felt his shoulders stiffening.

He had to get hold of himself. He forced himself to relax and waited, heart pounding, to see if he was in trouble. This was unacceptable. In his master’s presence he had to be attentive but not tense. He should be loose, submissive, grateful for the privilege he was being granted. He _knew_ all of this. Why was his training failing him now?

At least Lord Felix didn’t seem to notice. The god simply stretched in his seat and spoke again.

“Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’ll be in my own room for a while. Feel free to call me.”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji would do no such thing. “Thank you.”

Once Lord Felix had shut his door softly behind himself and Eiji was back through the curtain, he looked again at his chest of belongings. Meager as they might have been, he still felt unsure where he would put them in these new quarters.

He didn’t have permission to move the former offerings’ things, but perhaps he could squeeze his own in among them? His jewelry and cosmetics fit easily enough in the washroom, but there was simply no room for his clothes in the closet. He contented himself with pushing the chest up against one side of the bed.

That was as unpacked as he was going to get, Eiji decided. He abandoned that project and set to fixing his hair and makeup. He’d been interrupted before he could make himself presentable, and he blushed to think how he must have looked to Lord Felix this whole time.

That accomplished, he settled in to practice his positions. It was a good way to calm his mind and loosen his body, and it certainly didn’t hurt that it kept his movements graceful. Standing, kneeling, waiting, bowing. Standing, kneeling, waiting, bowing. Again. Again. Again.

And still his mind hummed chaotically.

 _Things that will please Lord Felix,_ he thought, sinking into a kneel.

One: Conversation. He would do his best, not that it was likely to be very good. Maybe he could do a little mental practice sometime, or at least try to come up with some topics in advance.

Two: Feeding. That was easy enough.

Three: Chores, but not all of them. That wasn’t ideal, but surely the god would leave most of them to him. It wouldn’t be so bad.

Four: Sex? Maybe. Lord Felix hadn’t mentioned it explicitly, but Eiji clung to what he’d said about making his attendant’s service ‘pleasurable.’ That had to mean sex, didn’t it?

He was surprised to feel heat gathering in his groin as he slid down into a full bow. ‘Pleasurable’ indeed.

The arousal was surprising, at least anymore. Back at the temple, of course, he’d been a teenager. He’d felt sometimes that he spent more time embarrassingly hard than otherwise. Then, after Lord Antony had first claimed him, he’d felt as if every inch of him was singing with tension and possibility all the time. He’d looked at the god’s elegant fingers and trembled with anticipation at the idea of them touching him, stroking him, spreading and stretching him. He’d spent many a night masturbating furiously to those images when Lord Antony was out. Every time he climaxed, he’d had to cover his mouth to muffle his moan at the idea of how it would be to come apart like that under his master’s stern usage.

But the months had dragged past, one after another, and Lord Antony hadn’t shown any inclination to partake of his worshipful attentions. Touching himself was no longer a pleasure. Instead, he felt horribly empty and undesirable even in the midst of his fantasies, and more than once he found himself shedding shameful tears after he was done. 

Eventually, even the negative emotionality drained away. He masturbated perfunctorily and only as needed to deal with any physical discomfort. Over the last year or two, even those mechanical interludes had grown rare. No one else wanted to touch him. Why should he be the only exception?

Now, as he rose to his feet to stand at attention, Eiji thought of Lord Felix talking about pleasure and the long-banked embers emitted a faint glow. The god’s shoulders were so broad- Eiji pictured them bare and sweat-slick (did the gods sweat?) and himself clinging to them, and he felt himself twitch. He thought of Lord Felix’s eyes, no longer soft and gentle but with pupils blown wide from desire, staring down into his own as the god plundered him and he lay helpless, submitting utterly and-

“Excuse me, Eiji?” The quiet, polite voice shattered his fantasies. Eiji dropped to his knees, horrorstruck and hunching to conceal his half-erection, but Lord Felix did not push through the curtain.

“Yes, my lord?” he called back. He hoped his voice sounded calmer to the god than it did to him.

“Would you like me to take you to the kitchens now?” his master asked. “We could start our journey to find Zenji.”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji got to his feet, noting with relief that he’d gone soft again in his panic, and hurried to join Lord Felix. The god was already standing by the door. 

“I think you’ll like him, or at least be impressed,” he said cheerfully as Eiji trailed him down the corridor. “He’s terrifyingly competent and organized. Sometimes I wonder what it looks like inside his mind. I think it must all be alphabetized.”

It was difficult to pay attention to the god’s talk and the way he was leading Eiji at the same time. Eiji wanted to be sure of his way so that he wouldn’t need to bother his master again next time, but he was already worried that he would get himself lost. 

He’d never really had to learn the layout of a place before, he realized. He’d gone straight from the temple where he’d grown up to Lord Antony’s rooms. Other than his always-escorted trips to the upper deck to exercise, he’d never been anywhere else. Even when the ship docked for supplies or raids, the offerings all stayed onboard. 

“Here we are!” Lord Felix said, stopping at a door at the end of a corridor. Eiji caught a whiff of sage, then the god was opening the door and ushering him through.

Eiji finally had a fifth fact about his master: he liked opening doors for people.

“Hello again!” Lord Felix said as the two of them entered the kitchens.

It was the biggest room Eiji had seen since leaving the temple. It was also the hottest. Used to a desert climate, he’d often been cold on the sea. There was no chance of that in the kitchen. There were long tables and enormous stoves, boxes and barrels lashed to the walls, and herbs strung like jewels in long ropes that swung gently over the heads of the workers.

There were at least a dozen of them, ranging in age from a man who looked almost seventy to Norio from Eiji’s own cadre. They all looked intimidatingly busy and purposeful and sweaty, and he felt himself growing shy as they all looked up with genuine smiles at the sound of the god’s voice.

The smiles were Eiji’s first surprise. His second came when the men all acknowledged Lord Felix with bows, but not the kinds of bows he’d been trained to give when he found himself in the presence of a god. Some bent deeply at the waist, some barely dipped their heads, but all stayed standing.

“Here he is!” Lord Felix’s hand settled on Eiji’s shoulder. “Everyone, this is my new attendant Eiji. He’ll be helping to deliver your magnificent creations.”

“That would be a lovely compliment if you could actually taste them, my lord,” hollered a man elbow-deep in a trough of dough at the other end of the room.

Eiji tensed at the display of irreverence, but the other kitchen workers laughed. So did Lord Felix.

His laugh was surprisingly loud, given the softness of his speaking voice, and cavernously deep. It was so sure and easy and masculine. Eiji longed to turn his head and steal a glance at his master’s face. He wanted to know what Lord Felix looked like when he was really delighted, not just smiling politely at an unwanted new attendant. 

Still, Eiji knew better than to look at the god’s face without an invitation. He couldn’t simply put aside a lifetime of training, even if all of these offerings seemed perfectly able. He shot a withering look at the joking, kneading man. The man didn’t seem to notice his ire.

“We’re looking for Zenji,” Lord Felix said when the merriment had died away. “Is he in the laundry?”

“The storerooms, my lord,” Norio offered, heading for a door at the other end of the kitchen. “I’ll get him for you.”

“Thank you, Norio.” Lord Felix’s voice was so warm that Eiji felt a rush of jealousy wash through him.

Did the god want Norio for his attendant? Had Norio chosen the kitchens over personal service? That was possible; Norio had always been more independent than most of their cadre, much to the priests’ dismay. He was pretty, too, in that lithe, feminine way that so many men preferred and that no amount of makeup would let Eiji achieve. It wasn’t a particularly long-lived kind of beauty, which should have made Eiji feel better than it did.

Norio reemerged from the same door. Behind him came a man with a generous gut and a head so bald it gleamed. He marched up to them and bobbed a jerky half-bow.

“What can I do for you, my lord?” His tone wasn’t exactly snappish, but it was leagues away from reverent.

Lord Felix didn’t seem to mind. “Forgive me for interrupting you, Zenji. I simply wanted to introduce you to Eiji. He’s going to be making deliveries for you.”

“Right, yes, you said as much earlier.” The man looked Eiji up and down. Despite Eiji’s low opinion of Zenji’s manners, he found himself straightening under his sharp gray gaze.

“Next time, you’ll want to wear lighter clothes,” Zenji said at last. “Not so many layers. Pushing carts might not seem like heavy work, but when the seas are rough we have to deliver each tray individually, and that’s a good bit of legwork. As for laundry days and bath days, _well._ You’re lucky today is calm and there’s nothing but meals.”

“I- today?” Damn, Eiji was fumbling for words again. How long would it take Lord Felix to change his mind about conversing with him?

“Do you want to begin work today?” the god asked.

Eiji wasn’t sure he did. He wanted more time to come to terms with the sudden changes in his life. Moreover, he felt like he should be savoring the time before he disappointed his master and spending every moment possible with Lord Felix, trying to extend it. Still, there was an open challenge in Zenji’s unimpressed gaze that he couldn’t resist.

“Yes, if it pleases my lord,” he said.

“I should have known you’d want to jump in with both feet.” There was a note in Lord Felix’s voice that Eiji didn’t know how to interpret. “I’ll see you later, then. Zenji, don’t run the poor man off his feet on his first day. Goodbye, everyone!”

Eiji dared to look up once his master started moving towards the door. He took the opportunity to notice the confidence and efficiency of the god’s movements. Lord Felix seemed perfectly at ease in the space, though his gait wasn’t as quick and impatient as Lord Antony’s.

The god looked back over his shoulder before he left and caught Eiji staring. Eiji ducked his head, abashed, but not before he saw his master smile.

When the door closed behind him, Zenji cleared his throat to draw Eiji’s attention back to himself.

“All right,” the older man said. “This is something I tell everyone who splits their time between work and personal service, so don’t feel as if I’m attacking you. I understand that your master comes first, but I need to be able to count on you. Tell me what days and times you’re allowed to work and tell me as soon as possible if those times change for any reason. Don’t use your master as an excuse if there’s a day you don’t want to work or a chore you don’t want to do, just tell me. I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, and we both know it. Just be honest, be as reliable as you can, and we’ll get along fine.”

Eiji nodded, mute. He felt a little attacked despite the man’s instructions to the contrary.

“This is the part where I usually tell people to talk with Lord Felix if their master is scaring them or hurting them more than they can bear.” Zenji barked out a quick laugh and shrugged his shoulders. “I can’t imagine that will be a problem for you. If it is, well… you could try my lover’s master Lord Theodora or maybe Lord Julia, but probably you’d just be screwed. Now, let’s get you to work!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji overthinks everything. Y'all are shocked, right?

To his surprise, work turned out to be exactly what Eiji had needed.

It wasn’t time to make deliveries yet, so Zenji set him to work mashing yams in a pot so big he could have sat in it. Before long his arms were aching, sweat was sticking his fine clothes to his back, and he’d forgotten all about his problems. It was hard to fret about his life and his unworthiness when he was so busy.

It was wonderful.

Almost as soon as he was allowed to rest and guzzle some water, Norio was upon him.

“I can’t believe it!” the other man gasped without any kind of greeting. “Lord Felix! How did you get Lord Felix to accept you?”

Eiji wished Norio would let him drink his water in peace. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on!” Norio scoffed. “No need to be modest. You got Lord Antony to take you, and now Lord _Felix._ If we didn’t already know you were the best, we know now. Let’s not be coy.”

What on earth…?

“He just wanted a replacement,” Eiji said. “There’s nothing terribly impressive about it.”

“A replacement for what?” Norio asked.

“His offering. He just got rid of one. He must have wanted-”

“No he didn’t.” Norio had always been given to interruptions. Maybe it was best he had chosen to work with other humans instead of attending a god directly. “He fed from us for the last six years. He didn’t have an attendant.”

But then… whose books and clothes were crowding the little bedchamber? 

“Not for lack of chances, either!” Norio went on, oblivious to Eiji’s confusion. “Half the men on the ship must have offered themselves to him at some point. I know I did.”

“But… you wanted to work in the kitchen, didn’t you?” There was no way that pretty Norio hadn’t received offers.

“Sure!” Norio shrugged. “But him, I’d have gladly served, and I told him as much.”

Well, that was a little surprising, though it didn’t amount to anything more than the fact that Eiji, rather than Norio, was Lord Felix’s preferred type of attendant. Maybe he valued manners more than beauty.

“He also turned down Osamu and Michi, and they’re just the ones who told me about it. There were probably others. So come on, spill! How did you convince him to take you?”

“I didn’t.” If Eiji knew how to persuade gods of anything, the last six years would have been very different. “He just… offered.”

He was afraid that Norio would be insulted but the other man just laughed, as loose and easy as ever.

“He just offered! Only you, Eiji.” Norio shook his head wonderingly. 

Later, when Eiji was stumbling back to his master’s room after several hours of the hardest work he’d ever done in his life, he was still puzzling over all he’d learned from Norio. He wished he could ask Lord Felix about the clothes and, even more, about why the god had offered to take him into his service. 

But more than that, he hoped that Lord Felix would be nowhere to be found.

He was a perspiring mess. He smelled like sweat and yams. His underarms could have floated a ship of their own. And he didn’t even want to _think_ about the state his hair must be in. It would not do for his master to see him like this on their first night together.

Not that anything was likely to happen tonight. He hadn’t been here long enough to earn admission to the god’s bed. But still, he didn’t want to be caught looking like this.

He hesitated at the door. It seemed presumptuous to simply let himself in, but it would be more presumptuous to knock and interrupt anything Lord Felix might be doing, if he were even there. Anyhow, if he knocked, he would certainly be seen. Eiji slowly opened the door.

“Is that you, Eiji?”

Shit.

“Yes, my lord.” He rushed over to the little table where Lord Felix was sitting and dropped down at his feet, utterly miserable. “Please forgive me for appearing before you this way, my lord. With your kind permission, I’ll go make myself presentable again.”

Maybe if he crawled on his way back to the room, his master wouldn't see the worst of it. He cursed himself for ever wanting a position in the kitchen, no matter how good and satisfying the simple work felt. He was going to ruin whatever inexplicable interest he held for Lord Felix, the god who Norio seemed to regard as a step _up_ from Lord Antony. Once again, he would ruin everything on the very first day, and this time he would know what he had done wrong. He was filthy and hideous and _disgusting_ and now Lord Felix would know it, and-

“Would you please look at me?” His master’s voice was as low and pleasant as always.

Miserably, Eiji heaved himself up on his aching arms and lifted his grimy face.

If Lord Felix’s expression changed, it was before Eiji managed to see. The god looked at him the same way he had all morning: calm and smiling, not at all outwardly disgusted. Eiji felt his heart begin to beat again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lord Felix said. “You’ve worked hard for the good of every person on this ship. Thanks to your efforts, everyone will eat well today. You don’t have to be decorative on top of all that.”

A good offering was always decorative, whatever his other duties might be. A good offering strove to please his master in all ways at all times, including visually. A good offering didn’t worry about anything other than his master, not feeding other humans, certainly not personal pride in any kind of work that was not service to his master.

Eiji would never be good.

“My lord is kinder than his unworthy servant deserves,” he managed around the glowing satisfaction that seemed to be crowding and squeezing his chest all at once.

Lord Felix kept smiling down at him.

“Eiji,” he said, “may I touch you?”

The question sent a jolt down Eiji’s spine and right to the ends of his toes. The god wanted to touch him? Why? Particularly, why _now_ when he was grimier and sweatier than he’d been since he was a child running wild in the temple courtyard?

And why had Lord Felix _asked?_

“My lord, I am yours to do with as you please,” he whispered. 

It was good that he had permission to look into Lord Felix’s face, because he didn’t think he could have torn his gaze away. He searched his master’s steady, dark eyes but could find no hint of what the god was thinking.

Well, that stood to reason. How could he possibly understand an immortal god’s thoughts and feelings? More to the point, why would he expect those thoughts and feelings to be about him? They wouldn’t be. He was beneath notice. If he had learned nothing else from his years of service to Lord Antony, he had learned that.

“That isn’t what I asked,” Lord Felix said, interrupting his sudden rush of despair. “May I touch you?”

Eiji was too confused to speak. Instead, he simply nodded.

The god smiled. “Thank you.”

He reached out and gently tucked a strand of sweaty hair behind Eiji’s ear. That done, he trailed his fingers down Eiji’s cheek. His master’s hand was so blissfully cool against his flushed skin, it took all of Eiji’s considerable self-control to keep from leaning impudently into the touch.

“It would take more than a little sweat to make you less beautiful,” Lord Felix said, and Eiji felt the glow in his gut redouble. He knew he should respond, but he was trapped in dark eyes and gentle touches and sweet words. He couldn’t even breathe, much less speak to offer the gratitude such kindness deserved.

After another careful stroke of Eiji's cheek, Lord Felix sat back in his chair.

“Thank you,” he said again. “May I drink from you once you’ve washed up?”

Distress curdled in Eiji’s stomach and released him from whatever spell had held him in place. Not distress at the request- in fact, he was thrilled to have his master drink from him. It would be a perfect end to this madcap day. But he didn’t like that it _was_ a request. It filled him with a nameless, slithery dread that he didn’t have time to figure out right now.

“It would be my honor, my lord,” he said, and Lord Felix smiled.

“All right, then. You may go.”

He obeyed, and he wasn’t too unsettled to walk with the seductive swing he’d been taught at the temple.

As soon as his curtain swished shut after him, he had to work to proceed calmly to the washroom instead of slumping against the bed as he wanted to do. He found it all laid out for him with a wide basin and a heavy clay pitcher full of water. When he poured some of the water out, he was alarmed to find that it was freshwater.

Damn. The stuff was worth its weight in gold on a ship. Lord Felix must have intended this for his drinking water. Would he be in trouble for washing with it?

Well, it was already in the basin. He scrubbed himself down with the rough little rag his master had provided and even washed his hair. He lingered longer over the basin than he should have. He knew he was keeping the god waiting, but he couldn’t help enjoying the luxury of water that didn’t leave his hair stiff and his skin itchy. It felt sinfully indulgent, but it _had_ been an accident. As long as his master wasn't angry with him afterwards, it would be all right.

He felt hollow and clean from all his work that day, and fresh from the pure water. By the time he pulled on a clean robe and returned to Lord Felix, he felt like a new man.

Lord Felix was standing next to one of the soft chairs, and he gestured for Eiji to sit down in it. It unnerved him a little to sit while his master stood, but he obeyed. 

“I’ll feel better if you’re sitting when I drink,” Lord Felix explained, seeming to pick up on his discomfort. “That way, you won’t fall even if you get lightheaded.”

Lord Antony always made sure he was sitting, as well.

It all seemed so strange, suddenly. Lord Antony was never going to drink from him again. Now he would give his blood to Lord Felix, this stranger. 

He felt like he had on his first night with Lord Antony, timid and unsure and desperate to please his new master. But he had neither the right nor any reason to feel that way, not anymore. He wished he could offer Lord Felix an unmarked throat, new and young and pristine, as he had Lord Antony. But though the lord of the gods had always been careful not to mark him beyond his two small feeding wounds, there was no hiding them.

He had never thought to be ashamed of the two little punctures before now. 

Did it rankle Lord Felix to see him like this and know that he was saddled with a used-up, aging, discarded attendant? Eiji was unable to resist darting a nervous glance at his master’s face. He reasoned that Lord Felix had not technically revoked his order to look at him.

If the god was at all displeased by the sight of Eiji sitting before him, he gave no sign. He only kept his warm, unflappable little smile and leaned closer. Eiji stretched out his neck in offering and closed his eyes, feeling his heart pound almost painfully in his chest. _This was really happening!_

The pinch of fangs and press of chilly lips was familiar, and yet utterly new. It felt like safety and acceptance and a role to fill, and Eiji relaxed gratefully into the feeling.

He was so lost in contentment that he almost didn’t notice when the god’s arm stole around his shoulders.

Throughout this strange day, Eiji had watched that arm lift several heavy objects as if they were made of air. But it gripped him softly, with just enough pressure to make him feel held without constricting him. 

It had been so long since he’d been held.

He felt tears start in his eyes. It was an unpardonable weakness, and he did his best to blink them back as Lord Felix finished drinking and pulled away. He immediately missed the weight of his master’s embrace.

“Thank you,” the god said, and Eiji felt unease stirring in him again. “That was lovely. I hope your meal was good as well.”

He had eaten with Norio and the others in the kitchens. He had felt very new and small as their easy chatter swelled around him, but several men had tried to include him in the conversation. Most of them seemed impressed that he belonged to Lord Felix, who they all referred to with an easy affection that made him feel a little territorial.  


Still. Eiji had enjoyed their admiration of his position, and he’d enjoyed the mashed yams even more. 

“It was wonderful, my lord,” he said. “As was the company. The kitchen workers seem to think very highly of you, my lord.”

“Oh dear.” Lord Felix gave a short little laugh that sounded almost… flustered? “I’m sure they have better things to talk about. What do you think of them all? Will you be happy working there?”

“I believe I will, my lord.” 

It had been as clear and refreshing as he’d hoped it would be. The yams weren’t mashed, then he set to work and they were, and he got to eat them. Solid exertion, noticeable effort, undeniable result. It was so gratifying he wished he’d found out about physical labor a decade ago.

“Wonderful! I’m so glad to hear it.” Lord Felix beamed at him, and Eiji couldn’t help the smile that curved his own lips in response. “What days did you and Zenji decide you would be working?” 

Eiji swallowed and wet his lips.

“I… I agreed to work every day except the first day of the week, alternating between working from breakfast to lunch and lunch to dinner.” He searched the god’s face anxiously for any sign of disapproval. “If those times aren’t pleasing to you, my lord, I can easily change them!”

“There’s nothing wrong with them.” Lord Felix’s voice was soothing, and Eiji cursed himself for letting his nerves become obvious. He wasn’t meant to trouble his master with his trivial emotions. He was here to serve, not to be coddled.

“Oh! I nearly forgot to tell you.” The god’s voice jolted him back to their conversation. “The pitcher in your washroom is enchanted to turn saltwater to fresh. I’ll bring you a new bucket of seawater every morning so you have plenty for drinking and washing.”

Eiji was barely able to keep his mouth from sagging open.

“Antony still doesn’t have one, does he?” When Eiji shook his head, Lord Felix smiled. “Of course he doesn’t. He broke Julia’s, a long time ago, so he replaced it with his because of course she needs lots of clean water in the infirmary. Several of the others have offered to give him theirs, but he’s too stubborn to accept.”

Why didn’t they simply get or make more? Perhaps the wonderful pitchers could only be made in the heavens? Regardless, Eiji swore to himself that he would be very careful with the vessel.

“I should let you get to sleep,” Lord Felix said. “It’s been a long day.”

It had been an unbelievable day. This morning he had had nothing- no future, no hope, no plan. Now he had work he liked and a little space that seemed to be his own and a master that everyone envied him. Lord Felix had given him all of that, and still he was looking at Eiji as if the _god_ was lucky to have _him._

“I’m very glad to have met you, Eiji,” Lord Felix said, settling into his own chair and giving Eiji the space to stand. “I hope you’ll be happy here.”

Eiji’s heart was so full he thought it might burst. He wanted to shower the god with the praise and gratitude he deserved for his goodness to Eiji. He wanted to do it now, while Lord Felix might still accept his devotion, while he didn’t know yet how unworthy a creature he’d allowed into his life. 

But he was too tired and his mind too awash in emotions to even begin to form the words.

Instead, Eiji did what he knew he could do right. He prostrated himself before Lord Felix and, daringly, let the tips of his fingers brush the god’s feet.

“It is my honor to serve, my lord,” he managed.

When he was curled in a bed (a real bed!) in a strange new space, he tried to add to his list of things he knew about Lord Felix.

Six: He had turned down Norio and several others and chosen Eiji instead. That was still a mystery, but surely he had no hope of discerning a god’s motivations. 

Seven: He genuinely didn’t mind Eiji working outside his rooms. Perhaps he simply didn’t want him underfoot all the time?

Eight: His touches felt better than anything Eiji could remember.

If there was a ninth thing, Eiji was asleep before he could think of it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji is unnerved. Shocking!

Eiji’s days settled into a soothing pattern. He soon discovered that ‘deliveries’ encompassed all the little tasks that were required to keep the humans of the ship fed. Peeling, chopping, and washing were all done under the watchful eye of some more experienced kitchen worker, but Eiji was at least trusted to scrub vast pots and endless piles of plates without supervision. 

So far, the man most often set to watch him was Rokuro, the one who had teased Lord Felix so brazenly on Eiji’s first day. Eiji found him rather trying, though Rokuro obviously did his best to be friendly and make him feel welcome. He was loud and boisterous, as many of the kitchen workers seemed to be. Eiji wondered sometimes whether the kitchens attracted men who were unsuited to the silence and submission required of a personal attendant.

What did that say about _him,_ he wondered?

Five days after Eiji’s claiming, however, he found the kitchen staff unusually subdued when he arrived to help with breakfast preparations. They were all working in grim silence when he entered. Norio and Rokuro called out a greeting, but it lacked their usual cheery bounce. 

“Hey Eiji, help me out over here?” Rokuro called.

When Eiji joined him, the older man gestured to an enormous pile of loaves of bread. He had a much smaller pile of thick slices already cut, and he handed Eiji the knife.

“The gods are going ashore tonight,” Roruko said without any further greeting. “They’ll be putting down some Surgish raiders.”

Oh. That explained the tense atmosphere.

There hadn’t been many battles during Eiji’s time with Lord Antony. Three or four a year, at most. But there had been enough for Eiji to learn to fear them.

They usually happened at sea after the gods caught sight of one of the monsters, but whether they happened on land or sea the protocol was the same. One of the gods barricaded all of the general service offerings in the barracks along with any personal attendants whose masters ordered them there, and the rest of the personal attendants bolted their masters’ doors and waited, no matter what sounds they heard coming from abovedeck. When the gods came back, they were always wild and strange. Lord Antony had never laid a hand on Eiji on those nights, but some of his friends in general service had terrifying stories of gods hammering at the barracks doors and demanding entry.

“It’s Lord Felix’s turn to join the battle this time, isn’t it?” Rokuro asked.

Eiji was confused. “His turn?”

“Yes.” Rokuro waved a loaf of bread in his direction. “Lord Theodora went last time, so this time she’ll guard the barracks. The two of them alternate.”

Eiji supposed he had heard that at some point, but Lord Felix hadn’t been important to him at the time. He hadn’t paid particular attention.

He worked through supper, then hurried back to his master’s rooms. Lord Felix was usually there by this point in the evening, though he was often gone by the time Eiji woke in the mornings. The god seemed to keep a strangely human schedule, absenting himself from his rooms for much of the day. On the days Eiji had served breakfast and lunch, he had had several hours to himself before the god returned from whatever pursuits and duties occupied his time. 

Eiji still had very little idea what those might be. Whenever he greeted his master, he was immediately plied with question after question about his own day and activities. It was baffling.

Eiji could only hope that their more formalized interaction on the first morning of the week would allow him to actually use his conversational graces. So far, Lord Felix evaded all his well-trained efforts to return the focus of the conversation to where it belonged. Their exchange the afternoon before had been typical:

“Hello, Eiji. You may raise your head. What did Zenji have you toiling over today?”

“I chopped vegetables most of the day, my lord. Master Zenji sends his respects.”

“Oh yes? What are your favorite vegetables?”

“I’m fond of carrots, my lord. Do you wish to do me the honor of feeding from me?”

“Maybe later. Why carrots? Excuse my prying, but since I can’t eat your foods I’m curious about them.”

“My lord is free to ask as he pleases. I… I suppose I enjoy the crunch, my lord, and the variation. One carrot can be quite sweet and the next bitter. It’s… interesting.”

“I might have known. You don’t seem to prefer that things be easy or predictable. Is your hand sore from wielding the knife?”

“I am well, my lord, thank you for your concern. Is there any way I may be of service?” 

“You can answer this: Speaking of soreness, do you need a new mattress? More pillows?” 

“… Your servant is well, and grateful for my lord’s gracious concern.” 

And on and on it went.

He supposed that today there would be no questions about carrots. He would be receiving his orders for the night. 

If he’d had any doubts whether his master was participating in the night’s raid, they were dispersed when he opened the door and found Lord Felix wearing armor.

It was light and sleek, but unmistakable. Equally distinctive were the long knives at his hips and the sword at his back. Eiji had only belonged to Lord Felix for a few days, but he realized suddenly that he had relaxed far too much. He had thought only of the sweet smiles and gentle words and attention, all swathed in plain clothes and quiet tones. He had never forgotten that Lord Felix was a god, but now Eiji remembered that he was a war god.

He dropped down at his master’s feet with his heart in his throat. He wasn’t a small man, but he was suddenly aware of how much larger than him Lord Felix was. He didn’t dress or move in ways that highlighted his size, but it was there all the same. 

“Hello, Eiji.” The god’s voice was as soft as ever, but less cheerful than usual. “How was your day?”

“I am well, my lord, thank you.” Eiji was too overwhelmed with sudden nervousness to return the question as he knew he should. 

“We should talk about tonight.”

As always, Lord Felix seemed bizarrely aware of his feelings. Eiji relaxed infinitesimally and realized he’d been clenching his fingers against the carpet. He hadn’t quite fisted his hands, but it was still a flaw in the position he’d practiced since he could walk. _Inexcusable._

“Lift your head, please.”

Maybe his slip hadn’t been noticed. Eiji pushed himself up to his knees and found that this put Lord Felix’s knives at his eye level. He dropped his gaze to the god’s feet.

“May I touch you?”

He had heard that request every day since Lord Felix claimed him. It always flooded him with a heady mix of excitement and discomfort as he fumbled for an appropriate response. Of course he _wanted_ the god to touch him, but why did he always _ask?_ It put Eiji in the uncomfortable position of giving Lord Felix permission to use his own things.

It never led to more than a stroke of his hair or an adjustment of the collar of his robes. Still, he always felt half-frozen with pleasure as he felt those chilly fingers on him. Couldn’t Lord Felix, who seemed to have a map of Eiji’s every thought and feeling after less than a week of his company, tell that he welcomed his master’s touch?

“I am yours, my lord,” he whispered now. “If it pleases you to grace me with your touch, I will receive it gladly.”

Gentle fingers tilted his chin up until he was looking the god in the face. Eiji felt his pulse spike and his brain slow as those dark eyes softened in a smile.

“Thank you,” Lord Felix said. He didn’t remove his hand. “Now, I expect you know already that we get a little strange after a fight, so you’ll understand why I don’t want you to be in our shared spaces when I return. Would you prefer to stay in your room or join the others in the barracks?”

Eiji was usually left bewildered by the choices Lord Felix gave him. It was hard to work out the right answer, and even now he wasn’t sure whether his master’s placid acceptance of all his decisions over the last few days meant that he had managed to choose correctly every time or that Lord Felix was simply good at hiding his annoyance. This decision, however, was easy.

“May I stay here, my lord?” he asked. 

An attendant belonged at his master’s side, ready to serve at the slightest notice. It would be unacceptable to voluntarily put himself out of Lord Felix’s reach.

“Of course.” Lord Felix’s smile didn’t falter, but his voice sounded a little troubled. 

Had Eiji finally given the wrong answer? He wanted to press himself back to the floor and begin pleading for forgiveness, but the god’s hand was still holding his chin in place. His grip didn’t grow any firmer, but his face and voice did as he kept speaking.

“I’m going to give you an order now. I will try to enter quietly, but if I wake you- do not come out. Not even if I call for you. I don’t plan on it, of course. But I want you to know that I will not pass your curtain without permission no matter how addled I get, and that if I do behave like an idiot and call out to you, you will not be punished for disobeying. Stay in your room. Understood?”

“Yes, my lord.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Eiji knew he’d spoken too fervently. Lord Felix’s eyes widened and he pulled his hand back. It was probably for the best, though Eiji mourned the loss. He’d been altogether too close to losing his battle against nuzzling into those chilly fingers.

Receiving those orders in such a stern, commanding tone felt like being fed from. It felt like security and acceptance, like Lord Felix was finally behaving like his master instead of a temple bunkmate. Eiji could have kissed the departing fingers in pleasure and gratitude.

“All right.” Lord Felix nodded. “If that’s settled, I’m going to go. Marcus and I will need to get the last few organization details worked out. I hope you have a good evening and sleep well, Eiji.”

The god had been delaying his departure in order to wait for him to get back, Eiji realized. His sense of well-being dissipated as quickly as it had arisen.

He wanted so desperately to be good for Lord Felix. He wanted to bring him pleasure and convenience. It was what he was _for._ But he had no way to prevent his master from inconveniencing himself on Eiji’s behalf. Everything Eiji needed to be could be undone without him even having a choice in the matter, and of course that was the god’s prerogative if he so chose but it felt so... 

That was blasphemy, of course. He had no more right to protest how Lord Felix chose to use him than did the god’s shoes. His only responsibility was to be better and render such inconveniences impossible. 

Still, he stayed on his knees long after the door shut behind his master, wrestling down wave after wave of despair.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've never posted a chapter on the same day as I wrote it before. I always want to polish things up and catch the million typos I invariably make before sending my work into the world. But I am on an emotional high from bingeing all of the new She-Ra season in one day and no one can stop me! NOT EVEN ME!!

When Eiji responded to the knock, he was surprised to find Lord Antony on the other side of the door.

“My lord,” he greeted, his mind whirling to make sense of the strangeness. What was his former master doing here?

“Felix is dead,” Lord Antony said. “You can’t stay here.”

“Wait!” Fear shot through him, and an unexpectedly powerful pang of sadness. No more bed, no more master, no more duties, no more quiet greetings, no more steady dark eyes, no more “May I touch you?” It was gone. It was all gone. It was over.

They were in the kitchens now. 

“Do you want him?” Lord Antony asked.

Zenji scowled at Eiji. Norio and Rokuro stood behind him, shaking their heads and curling their lips. 

“What use could we have for something like that?” Zenji spat. “Get him out of our sight!”

Now they were in Lord Antony’s rooms. Had they been here all along? Had Eiji ever really left? The only way the last few days made any kind of sense was if he had imagined them.

“I could serve you again,” he pleaded. “Please let me serve you again, my lord! I’ll be so good! I’ll-”

“I didn’t want you then. What would I do with you now?”

Lord Antony wasn’t sneering at him like the kitchen workers had. It was worse than that. The god wasn’t even looking at him. His expression was mildly amused, but mostly bored, and it was the look Eiji had seen every day for six years and it wasn’t even directed at him because Lord Antony never looked at him, never saw him, and he’d been stupid to think that Lord Felix would or that it could possibly last, and now-

A crash awakened him. 

Eiji kicked free of all the blankets and reeled out of his bed. Sweat stuck his thin nightshirt to his chest. His heart was pounding so hard he could barely hear anything, and he was still half-asleep, but even so there was a voice mumbling curses and he was almost sure it was Lord Felix, not dead at all. He stumbled through his curtains.

_Not dead!_

Of course Lord Felix wasn’t dead, his mind told him as it dragged itself back to a sort of sluggish life. That was ridiculous. The gods could be killed, of course, but it happened very rarely. There had been around a hundred gods when they first revealed themselves to the Tacians, and a thousand years later they had lost perhaps a dozen of their number. This in spite of their battles with the monsters. Moreover, Lord Felix was a distinguished war god. If any divinities were to fall tonight, in a battle against mere _humans_ , no less… it was unlikely to be him.

It had all been a dream. Just a stupid nightmare, but already he had clattered through Lord Felix’s door and into the god’s washroom in pursuit of the grumbling voice.

Lord Felix was sprawled against the wall, stark naked and dripping wet. His armor lay in untidy heaps around him. Perhaps the crash had come from his body hitting the floor, or perhaps he had accidentally kicked a piece of armor? 

Either way, he looked up when he saw Eiji standing in the doorway. The god’s eyes went wide and he jerked himself to his feet, pressing his bare back against the wall.

“Y-You’re not supposed to be here,” he slurred. His usually quiet voice was almost a shout.

Oh gods.

Oh no.

Oh _fuck._

The last shreds of sleep cleared from Eiji’s mind. His orders. He’d been given orders, stern and clear ones. He’d been told to stay in his room, and Lord Felix had even been generous enough to explain _why,_ and he had still-

Should he run back behind his curtain? It was too late to cover up his disobedience, but perhaps he could at least delay his punishment until Lord Felix was more himself.

No. He’d always heard that quick movements were dangerous after a battle, running more than most. It would only inflame his master’s predatory instincts.

There was only one choice. Eiji dropped to the floor and curled himself into the tightest, smallest bow he could manage.

“F-Forgive me,” he gasped. He was still too addled with sleep and terror to waste any time fishing for the right words. For deliberate disobedience after a battle, there were no right words. “I didn’t mean to disobey you. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me!”

“Oh no.” Lord Felix’s voice was still loud, and now it sounded horrified. “Oh, sweet Eiji, no. No no no. I’m not going to hurt you, dear. I’m stupid right now, but I would _never.”_

Eiji stayed still. The words were too strange to parse, too gentle and full of endearments. He couldn’t trust them. He had to trust his instincts, which told him that at the moment he was a frog under the eye of a heron, and he had to _hold. Still._

There were clumsy, stumbling steps, a clatter, a muttered curse that brought tears of pure terror to Eiji’s eyes, and then a resounding thud inches from his head. 

Lord Felix was there. He was right there, and any moment his hands or feet would descend and Eiji’s punishment would begin, and Eiji knew with a sick twist of his guts that he would not survive that punishment.

“Eiji? May I touch you?”

The words were heavy and slurred. ‘Touch’ sounded like ‘tash.’ Still, the request was already so familiar as to be unmistakable.

What kind of cruelty was this? Was he really going to be forced to consent to what was about to happen? Wasn’t it enough that he would submit unquestioningly to his punishment- why did Lord Felix want him to _allow_ it, too?

Never mind. It didn’t matter why. He didn’t deserve to know. If it was consent his master demanded of him, then consent he would give.

“Yes, my lord,” he whispered. Then, unable to help himself, “Please have mercy!”

When it came, the touch was so careful that it went all the way into being clumsy again. Lord Felix set his hands at Eiji’s shoulders, but he kept his fingers stiff as sticks rather than gripping the flesh. He tugged up and immediately lost his grip, jerking his hands away empty. Still, Eiji understood the gesture. 

He had never been so reluctant to rise to his knees in his life. Being in his proper position felt… not safe, not at the moment, but safer than exposing his face and throat and vital organs to the god’s discipline. Moreover, he was crying the way he’d taught himself, quiet and steady so that it made no noise, but there was no way to hide the tears once his face was lifted from the floor.

He kept his eyes lowered. This showed him that Lord Felix was still completely naked as he knelt in front of Eiji. Once Eiji was rising, the god pulled his hands back and stuffed them into the soft creases behind his own knees, as if to ensure that he wouldn’t move them by accident.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Lord Felix said again. “Never, sweet Eiji, never never. Why did you leave your room?”

“Your unworthy slave had a nightmare, my lord.” It was so hard to speak between the trembling of his lips and the tears of fear streaking his face. “The crash woke me and I was moving before I even knew what I was… please forgive me, my lord, please, please, I’m so sorry! I will never disobey you again!”

He knew he should request his punishment, but self-preservation kept the words from his mouth. If he lived through this encounter, he would plead in all sincerity to be punished as his disobedience deserved. But right now, he could only focus on surviving the next moment. Requesting discipline from a god in this state would not help him in that endeavor. Pleading for mercy just might.

“It’s all… it’s all right.” Halfway through the sentence, Lord Felix seemed to realize how loudly he was speaking. He dropped his voice to an exaggerated whisper. “You’re not in trouble. You’re good, so good, sweet sweet Eiji. Not in trouble.”

Eiji tensed further. There was no way that was true. It could only be a trick. Where was this leading?

“You don’t believe me.” Now the god sounded almost… petulant, though he knew it was blasphemy even to think that. “Look at me, sweet. Then you’ll see.”

An order was an order, even when it was delivered in a slow singsong that raised every hair on Eiji’s body. He lifted his eyes to his master’s face.

Lord Felix’s pupils were blown enormously wide and his eyes were a little wild, but he kept them steady on Eiji. Overall, he did seem calmer and more earnest than Eiji had expected, and not at all angry. 

“See?” his master crooned. “You’re safe with me, dear. Wouldn’t hurt you. Goodnight.”

The god tried to get up, seeming to forget the way he had imprisoned his hands. Instead of rising, he fell flat against the floor. Eiji cringed as Lord Felix’s face hit the boards with a loud crack.

“Oops,” the god drawled against the floor. Then he started laughing, and he kept laughing as he dragged himself to his feet and swayed the two steps back to the basin where he’d been washing.

Eiji stayed crouched in his place on the floor, unsure whether he’d been dismissed or not. In the meantime, he worked to stop the flow of his tears. There was no reason for them. 

He needed to calm down.

He tried to distract himself from the still-thrumming panic that clamored in his belly by watching Lord Felix at his ablutions. The god seemed to have cleaned himself all over by the time Eiji had arrived, but he was still scrubbing diligently at his fingernails. Eiji began to wonder if he would tear the tender skin beneath them.

Not that there was much that seemed soft about Lord Felix’s naked body. He was all tight muscle, from his wide calves to the broad shoulders that Eiji had fantasized about clinging onto more than once. The god’s burly arms worked as he scrubbed, and Eiji couldn’t resist letting his eyes travel down their length, all the way to large, busy hands. How had he never noticed the size of those hands when they brushed his cheek or smoothed his hair? His gaze roamed further over the expanse of damp skin. His master’s back was broad and unmarred. Eiji was so close that he could see the individual little hairs that littered the dark flesh.

Lord Felix started singing to himself in a strange language that did nothing to soften the atonal goose-like honk of his singing voice. Eiji's fear subsided, just a little. 

After a few more minutes of vigorous scrubbing and unfortunate singing, Lord Felix turned around. 

“Oh! Eiji!” He sounded surprised to see him, as though he’d forgotten him entirely. Not just surprised, though. Maybe… pleased?

It was hard to sort out tones when the god’s turning had brought Eiji face to face with his cock.

His very erect cock.

Eiji wasn’t sure whether this was a new development or whether he’d simply been too distracted with terror to notice before. His focus had been fixed on Lord Felix’s hands, not his crotch. 

He was certainly focused there now.

His master’s cock was long and a little bent. The sight of it sent a hot, undefined jolt through Eiji’s whole body. Excitement? Fear?

He didn’t have time to try to sort that out. This was his chance to redeem himself and finally be of some real service.

“Eiji?”

Heart thudding wildly at his own daring, he straightened his kneel until his face was level with the god’s crotch. His whole body was tight and thrumming with mingled fear and desire.

It was all so terribly daunting. But what other gesture would do so much to show his gratitude for the mercy he’d received this night? There was nothing for it but to seek permission, and then to lean in and show his god how reverently, how eagerly he could worship. Maybe he’d forgotten all his lessons, but surely sheer devotion would count for something? He parted his lips in offering and gazed up at his master.

 _“Please,_ my lord,” Eiji breathed. “I would be so grateful if… please use your servant, my lord. I beg you to use my mouth for your pleasure.”

“All right,” Lord Felix slurred. “That's so kind. Thank you, sweet sweet Eiji.”

Permission! But just as Eiji was about to dive forward, his goal slipped away from him. The god clambered unsteadily to his knees so that they were level with one another. 

Then Lord Felix’s hands rose and cupped Eiji’s face with excruciating care, and he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Eiji’s still-parted lips.

It was so soft it barely seemed like a kiss, like anything at all. The god’s lips were chilly, but he brushed them so gently over Eiji’s that he barely even felt the cold. 

Eiji’s own lips were still parted in offering, but Lord Felix’s kiss was chaste. He only pressed one kiss to Eiji’s upper lip then one to his lower with a tenderness that seemed, incredibly, almost reverent. Then he pulled back and smiled at Eiji with such glowing delight that Eiji almost forgot to be confused. Lord Felix stroked his thumbs clumsily over Eiji’s cheeks.

“Thank you,” the god breathed. “That was just as wonderful as I thought it would be.”

“M-My lord?” Eiji faltered.

Lord Felix gave a little sigh, and Eiji wasn’t sure whether it sounded sad or pleased. “Now I know this is real. If I were fantasizing, sweet dear, you would have said my name.”

“My lord, I-” Eiji was so confused he hardly knew what to think, let alone say. 

There was only one thing that he was quite sure of. It began and ended the list. His master had wished for a kiss, for some inscrutable reason, and Eiji had been too dumbfounded to offer a proper one.

“Please, my lord, I can do better,” Eiji said desperately. “I was unprepared for your kind attentions, but if you just give me another chance, I can-”

“Easy, dear.” The god tucked a stray strand of hair behind Eiji’s ear and leaned in again, this time to press a chilly kiss to his forehead. “I’m not safe tonight, I’m afraid. I’m a clumsy me. No no no. We’ll go to bed and talk about it later.”

“… to bed, my lord?”

“I’ll go to my bed and you to yours, Eiji with the sweet, sweet kisses. Go on now.”

Eiji obeyed, and returned to his bed more bewildered than he had left it.

_What in the world was that?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji gets a letter and meets Cloelia.

The morning after the gods’ battle, Eiji woke with a headache already starting. Today was going to be strange and there would be a lot of unpleasant feelings, and he felt it would be best if he simply accepted that now.

He didn’t feel ready to face Lord Felix yet, so he stayed in bed and worked on his list of facts about his master. He had added several traits over the last few days (from Nine: Lord Felix rubbed the back of his neck when he was thinking to Fourteen: Lord Felix remembered everyone’s name after only hearing it once), but rarely as many at once as he could after the events of the night before.

Fifteen: Lord Felix…

… Well, when it came down to it, what could he really say he had learned? He had learned how his master behaved when he was out of his mind with blood, but what did that really tell him? It almost deserved a subcategory, but he decided against going that far. He would just add qualifiers.

Fifteen: When he was blood-mad, Lord Felix was loud.

Sixteen: When he was blood-mad, Lord Felix was clumsy.

Seventeen: When he was blood-mad, Lord Felix was extremely careful and wary of his strength.

Eighteen: When he was blood-mad, Lord Felix was merciful.

Nineteen: When he was blood-mad, Lord Felix wanted to kiss Eiji. 

Twenty: When Lord Felix was blood-mad, Eiji was still safe.

That last one hardly counted. It was more a fact about Eiji’s situation than Lord Felix himself. But it was such a relief that Eiji couldn’t bring himself to leave it off his list. 

He wondered what he should say first to Lord Felix when he got his courage up and managed to leave this room. Should he apologize for his disobedience, thank the god for sparing him, or request his punishment first? He knew he needed to do all three, but what if his master cut him off? Which was most important? Perhaps-

He was surprised by the faint sound of the door closing.

Was somebody here? He bolted out of his bed and peeked through the curtain, but no, the living room was empty.

He saw a scrap of paper on the table. Paper was dear on the ship, so he couldn’t help crossing the room to examine it and see what could have necessitated this small extravagance. 

_Dear Eiji,_ it read in a small, neat hand.

_I was called away unexpectedly. I’m sorry I can’t be here for that talk we promised to have, but I will see you when you get through with your own work. I understand that you didn’t mean to disobey me last night. You were obviously half asleep and coming to my washroom was an accident. As such, please don’t worry yourself overmuch about it._

_I hope your day is pleasant, and I will see you tonight._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Felix_

Eiji read it over twice, then carried it back to his room and packed it carefully in his trunk. He’d never had a letter before. 

This letter had important information in it: namely, that Lord Felix understood that he had not intended to be disobedient. That helped Eiji order his priorities: first he would request his punishment, to show that he understood that the god’s generosity meant a reduced punishment, not a total lack of one. The other important thing the letter told him was that his master wished to speak with him tonight. 

But Eiji could hardly think of the important parts of the letter, because his damn fool mind was stuck on the first two words: _Dear Eiji._

He was such an idiot. It was a polite way to begin a letter; even he knew that. But it reminded him of how Lord Felix had been last night, the way he had called him ‘dear’ and ‘sweet’ in such a gentle tone, almost…

… he shouldn’t even let himself _think_ that the god had sounded affectionate, but there it was. Affectionate. 

And Lord Felix had kissed him. 

If he had taken Eiji’s offer of his mouth’s service as it had been intended, Eiji would have known it was just a desire for release, no different from scratching an itch. And that alone would have been more wonderful than he deserved, affection or no. 

But it had been a kiss. Just a simple, chaste kiss, not at all sensual or titillating for the god. That had to mean some sort of affection, didn’t it? One didn’t kiss the furniture.

He mustn’t think like this. He mustn’t get his hopes up. If he let himself think that Lord Felix felt anything for him, if he started hoping that he would be invited to the god’s bed, if he allowed himself to hope for anything, even that his current treatment would continue… Well, he would be breaking his own heart this time, and there would be no one else to blame.

_Dear Eiji. Eiji with the sweet, sweet kisses. May I touch you?_

The morning passed slowly, and he ended up reporting to the kitchens earlier than his scheduled arrival just to stop his mind from running wild. 

“Eiji!” Norio rushed over, eyes wide. “Last night was awful! Lord Cloelia came and she wasn’t yelling or banging on the door like some, but she was trying and trying to convince Lord Theodora to let her in to drink from one of us, and she isn’t usually like that at all. She always ruffles my hair and offers to give me any tattoo I want when she brings the catch. And Lord Theodora was so fearsome! I was almost more afraid of her, even though she was calm and she never raised her voice. There was just this look in her eyes… It was terrible! But finally Lord Thaddeus and Lord Julia came and coaxed Lord Cloelia away, and then no one else bothered us again.”  


“That does sound terrifying,” Eiji agreed.

Lord Felix had been less intimidating than he’d expected, but he remembered how Lord Antony had been after battles, and some of the same elements had been there. The wild eyes, the predatory gaze, the overpowering smell of blood- he couldn’t imagine a god coming at him in such a state and demanding to feed from him. 

“I’m sure your night was fine,” Norio said.

Eiji was glad for all his practice at controlling his facial expressions. “Yes, just fine.”

“I know it gets to all of them, but I can’t imagine that Lord Felix was very frightening. I suppose I just picture him… I don’t know… drinking a cup of tea and tutting at himself for all the killing.”

“They can’t drink tea.”

“I know! It’s just the picture I get in my mind. What was it like, really?”

Eiji did not care to share the night’s events with anyone, and he certainly didn’t want to be disloyal and repeat anything that his master might not wish to have repeated. He cast about for a bone to throw his nosy friend.

“He was loud,” he said finally. “I’d never guessed that his voice could be loud like that.”

“Really? Sometimes I have to strain to even hear him.” Norio’s brow furrowed. “Do you think he’s doing it on purpose, then? Is his voice naturally louder?”

Eiji hadn’t even thought of that. Now that he did, he had to wonder. Lord Antony’s voice had never risen when he was addled with blood. If anything, it had been lower and rougher than usual. But then, Lord Antony had never been clumsy. Certainly he wouldn’t have fallen on his face the way Lord Felix had done. 

How would Lord Antony have reacted if Eiji had disobeyed him? Eiji tried to picture Lord Antony furious with him, delivering wrath and punishments, and… couldn’t. He’d never incurred that kind of a reaction. 

His chest felt heavy as he imagined himself disobeying Lord Antony and pleading for mercy as he had done the night before, and his old master simply… stepping over him. Walking away. Maybe heaving an irritated sigh, if he was especially put out.

Was that what had happened earlier? Would he never receive any discipline? Was he simply not important enough for a punishment to be worth Lord Felix’s time?

But then, Lord Antony would not have thought him important enough to waste his time reassuring him, or writing him a letter, or kissing him.

 _Stop. Stop thinking about the kiss._

“That would make sense.” Eiji was grateful to have his thoughts interrupted by Norio’s musings. The smaller man’s brow was furrowed in thought. “If Lord Felix has a naturally loud voice, it probably used to scare people. Teaching himself to speak quietly seems like something he would do. Have you noticed the way he always stands up against the wall so he doesn’t take up too much of the room? And he never stands too close to the door or gets between it and you. He pays a lot of attention to those sorts of things.”

Eiji hadn’t noticed any of that. Damn. Norio’s list was probably a lot longer than his, and Norio didn’t even belong to Lord Felix.

“You’re a lucky man, not that you need me to tell you that!” Norio said cheerfully. “Now come on, Rokuro will have work for us.”

Rokuro did. The cooks had arranged a day of lavish meals for the offerings, most likely because of the fright those in the barracks had endured in the night. As for those in personal service, they probably needed the extra energy even more. Eiji didn’t like to think of Lord Marcus’ new attendant. Poor bastard.

Lord Antony would have somebody new as well. 

The thought stirred him in a sick, tight way he hadn’t expected. He didn’t like imagining the master he still thought of as his with some fresh, blooming boy who was likely doing everything better than he had managed. The new offering would be the first in his cadre, as Eiji had once been, graceful and well-trained and perfectly behaved. The only difference would be that he might have the observational skills that Eiji lacked, so that he would understand how to please Lord Antony and notice the way Lord Felix stood and not have to rely on ridiculous lists.

Eiji worked through breakfast cleanup and lunch delivery. He had just replaced his cart when there was a loud clanging from the doorway.

“Lord Cloelia!” Zenji cried. “I wasn’t expecting- you brought the catch yourself?”

Zenji was standing in front of a tall, broad god who had elaborate tattoos sheathing dark arms and heavy dreadlocks tumbling down a powerful back. Lord Cloelia, apparently. No wonder everyone had been so frightened when she tried to get to them last night.

She stood now with a massive barrel lifted easily on each shoulder. When Zenji made to bow, she set both barrels down with a resounding thud.

“Don’t bow. No one bow. Could I have everybody’s attention?” she called, her booming voice carrying easily to all corners of the kitchen.

Once every pair of eyes was fixed on her she dropped her own gaze to her hands, which were working nervously at one another. What in the world did a god have to be nervous about?

“I am so sorry for my behavior last night,” Lord Cloelia said, her head down but her voice still raised so that everyone could hear. “It was unacceptable. I know I frightened you, and I’m ashamed. My lovers should have kicked my ass instead of coaxing me away. If any of you would like them to rectify that mistake, just tell Julia. But in any case… I am so sorry for the fear I caused you. I promise that I will never, ever do it again.”

Then Eiji’s heart leaped into his throat as the god thudded heavily to her knees and made a quick, clumsy bow. Her forehead actually thumped audibly against the wood of the floor.

Eiji wasn’t alone in his shock. Norio gave a squeak from across the room, and even unflappable Zenji started chattering in obvious chagrin. 

“M-My lord, please, there is no need, we do not need, please-”

Lord Cloelia was already on her feet again. “I hope you can all forgive me someday. Now if you’ll excuse me, I still need to apologize in the laundry and barracks. Thank you for your time.”

When the door closed behind her, Eiji realized that his mouth was actually hanging open. He snapped it shut and shook his head a few times to clear it.

He had thought he understood the gods and their ways. He saw now what foolish hubris that had been, after six years of only having the chance to observe Lord Antony and Lord Marcus with any regularity. The gods could be as surprising in their kindnesses as their cruelties, he supposed.

Maybe it wasn't wrong to have a little hope. Maybe the kiss really did mean that Lord Felix saw something of interest in him.

He would know tonight. When they talked... well, the only thing for it was to be as beautiful and alluring as possible, and maybe even keep hold of this slender thread of hope. If he could be appealing and pleasing, then maybe-

“Eiji!” Zenji’s voice was still high and rattled, but no less authoritative for that. “Norio, come over here as well. You need to teach the new boy how to gut fish.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The new offering would be the first in his cadre, as Eiji had once been, graceful and well-trained and perfectly behaved. '
> 
> Narrator voice: **He was not.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cycle repeats: I binged Devilman Crybaby, got high out of my mind on Feelings, banged this out, and am posting immediately because E M O T I O N S
> 
> I need to stop bingeing shows that give me so many feelings. I will become known as the Disjointed Dialogue/Typo Monster of AO3.

Eiji had never stunk so badly in all his life. 

He hadn’t known the way the smell of fish could settle into clothes, hair, even skin. It was so deep in his nostrils that he couldn’t smell anything else. He could even taste it. By the time he and Norio had finished with the two great barrels of fish the penitent Lord Cloelia had delivered, he was sure that he’d never be able to smell anything else again.

As soon as the last fish was cleaned and the great reeking collection of their innards carted off for the handful of pigs kept down in the hold, Eiji went to Zenji.

“May I leave now?” he asked urgently. “I came early. Ask Rokuro.”

The older man narrowed his eyes. “You said you could stay for the supper delivery.”

“Who wants their food delivered by me when I smell like this?” Eiji pleaded. “I’ll put them all off their meals!”

“They’ll live. You can’t just come and go whenever you feel like it! Why would I even bother having a schedule if I were going to allow that?”

“Please, sir.” Eiji hated the desperation he was allowing into his voice. He’d been trained to beg and grovel for gods, not other humans. “I need to get cleaned up before Lord Felix returns. I don’t want to appear before him like this.”

“I’ve known your master for twenty years,” Zenji replied. “I can assure you that he won’t care.”

“Anyone would care. I _stink,_ sir!”

“It won’t be the last time. Work is dirty.”

“I know, but…” Eiji cast about for some way, _any_ way to explain without revealing the kiss. “Today is important. My lord left a note and he wants to speak with me. It’s bound to be important. I want to be ready when he returns. I want to be good!”

The last sentence slipped out before he could stop it. He knew he’d revealed too much when the lines around Zenji’s mouth and eyes softened.

“I’ve heard that you were Lord Antony’s,” the older man said, startling Eiji. What did that have to do with anything?

“Yes,” he said hesitantly. 

Zenji huffed out an aggrieved breath and turned to go back to his work, which at the moment consisted of loading the supper plates onto carts.

“Only this once,” he said. 

Eiji barely managed to stand still long enough to say, “Thank you!” before bolting out the door.

He didn’t quite run. That would have been disruptive and ill-mannered. But he walked as quickly as his long legs could carry him.

It would all be fine. He should have plenty of time to change his clothes and scrub the scent out of his hair and skin. There was no need to panic. His heart started to slow to a more rhythmic pace despite his scurrying. It was going to be all right.

He almost careened right past Lord Felix without noticing him.

“Oh! Eiji! Hello!” 

Eiji’s pulse started thrashing through his veins again. He dropped down in the hallway, so quickly that he didn’t quite get himself aimed correctly and ended up bowing to the wall next to Lord Felix.

“M-My lord!” he stammered. “I didn’t…”

“You’re done early.” Lord Felix’s voice was strange. Not the way it had been after the battle, but it was a little stuffy, a little rattled. 

“Yes, my lord.” It was a reliable response, and nothing felt reliable right now.

Eiji had known he would feel awkward and off-kilter when he saw Lord Felix after the kiss, but this was worse than he could have imagined. Between the public location and his own disgraceful state, he was having trouble taming the chaos of his mind into any kind of order.

“Well, I’m off early as well,” Lord Felix said with a small, hiccupping laugh. What was making his voice so strange? “I didn’t expect… Well! No matter. Let’s get back to our rooms, shall we?”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji got unwillingly to his feet and saw that Lord Felix was already several steps ahead of him and walking on the other side of the hall.

Shame swallowed Eiji whole. It was a world away from the way Lord Felix had walked with him before, arm in arm and chatting easily. The god was repulsed. Who wouldn’t be? He was reeking and slimed with fish guts. The priests would have fainted dead away if they could see him appearing before his master this way. He was a discredit to the temple and every teacher he’d ever had.

Eiji trailed after his master in silent misery. Like the first day, he wished he’d never asked to work in the kitchens.

There would certainly be no more kisses.

Lord Felix didn’t even hold the door for him as he had done on his first day. Eiji knew it was incredibly presumptuous of him- Lord Felix was his god, not his porter- but he felt a little squeeze of disappointment nonetheless. 

That feeling dissolved into confusion when he shut the door behind him, then turned to see Lord Felix scrubbing at his eyes.

“Forgive me,” the god said. Eiji had to work to keep his jaw from sagging open when he realized that Lord Felix was crying. “I had hoped to have some time to get myself together before you came back. I hope your day was pleasant?”

Eiji knelt where he was and dropped into his bow, half out of propriety and half to hide his astonishment.

“I’m well, my lord, thank you for your gracious concern.”

“I hope I didn’t frighten you with my behavior last night.” Lord Felix gave a sigh that seemed to turn into a quickly swallowed sob halfway through. “Sorry. That’s ridiculous. Of course I frightened you. I’m very sorry for that.”

The horrible idea of Lord Felix kneeling down in apology as Lord Cloelia had done set Eiji babbling, entirely forgetting his rehearsed speeches.

“If I was frightened, it was my own doing, my lord!” he said. “I was the one who disobeyed. Please don’t apologize. You were far more merciful than I deserved.”

“You didn’t mean to do it. Even in that awful state, I could see that you were half-asleep.”

Awful state? Lord Felix had seemed cheerful enough. Eiji remembered his giggling and singing, his pleased singsong cadences. What had been awful about it? Still, he plunged ahead. He might had botched the first part of his plan, but he could still finish well.

“My lord is too kind. Please punish me as you see fit.”

Eiji wondered if he would be allowed to clean himself up before his punishment.

“Eiji.” The raw agony in his master’s voice made it difficult to keep from breaking position to look at his face. Eiji had to work to stay down. “I understand that you are upset about disobeying me, but I would take it as a great personal favor if we could forgo any punishment, just this once. I don’t have the heart for it today.”

That set Eiji wondering about the god’s tears. What could have upset him so much?

“As my lord wishes, in all things.” 

He should leave it there. It wasn’t his place to go poking and prodding among his master’s feelings. He was a slave and a source of food, not a friend or confidant. 

But Lord Felix was taking long, slow breaths, and Eiji recognized the sound because it was the way he always tried to keep his crying quiet. 

“M-my lord?” Stammering again. Unacceptable. “Please forgive me if my intrusiveness offends, but… may your servant ask what has distressed you?”

He stayed still, his heart pounding wildly at his own boldness. It seemed like an eternity before Lord Felix’s quiet voice sounded again.

“You are so kind to ask. Thank you.” The god sighed. “I’m sure you noticed that I was in an excellent mood after all that… _slaughter._ I always am. It takes several hours for that elation to wear off, but it tends to leave me very suddenly. When it does, it’s quite overwhelming. It all hits me at once.”

He didn’t seem inclined to say more, but given his positive reaction to being asked, Eiji gathered his courage to speak again.

“What hits you, my lord?” he ventured.

“Myself, I suppose. I did so many terrible things last night. I killed a great number of people. And I enjoyed it. There’s nothing I can do to make any of it right. I’ll do it again, and enjoy it again, over and over, forever. Even after all these years, I don’t know that a person can get used to realizing that about themselves.”

Eiji remembered Norio’s comment about Lord Felix drinking tea and tutting at himself for killing people. The other man had been closer to guessing the god’s feelings than Eiji, but this wasn’t tutting. This was a deep, bleak misery and hastily swallowed sobs.

He thought of all the hymns to Lord Felix that praised his battle-prowess and told of the great heaps of enemy dead he would leave behind him. He thought of a thousand years’ worth of battles to defend the borders of Tacia in exchange for sacrifices- for Eiji himself. Was this how his master felt every single time? Eiji had heard the songs and stories, and it had never occurred to him that they might have left out the part where the mighty war god broke down crying.

“You were sweet to ask, but these aren’t your problems.” Lord Felix had forced a bright, dismissive note into his voice that made Eiji sadder than he would have expected. “I’m sorry to burden you. Please, tell me about your day!” 

‘Please’ notwithstanding, it was an order. Eiji had his orders. He needed to obey, as he had not done last night. He should-

“Please, my lord, you haven’t burdened me,” he whispered, terrified by his own daring. “It is a great honor to receive my lord’s confidence. Is there any way your servant could offer assistance?”

There was another long moment of quiet. Eiji was about to crack and start begging forgiveness when Lord Felix spoke.

“You’re kinder than I deserve, Eiji. Let’s have that talk we promised each other, shall we?” The god sniffed then, and added, “After some washing up. What a stench!”

Eiji cringed and felt hot, humiliated tears spring to his eyes. He’d been so fascinated by his master’s unhappiness that he’d forgotten his own disgraceful state. He had to work to keep his bow loose instead of curling into himself.

“Yes, my lord,” he managed. “Please forgive me for appearing before you in such a state, my lord. I am ashamed. I-”

“You?” Lord Felix’s uncharacteristic interruption came in a tone of such surprise that it caught Eiji off guard. “No, I- Eiji, would you please raise your head and look at me?”

Eiji lifted to his knees, face flaming. The god was standing, not sitting in his usual soft chair, and his clothes were… wet? Yes, and now that Eiji wasn’t bent over breathing only his own smell, he caught the strong, unmistakable scent of-

“One of the patients threw his bedpan at me,” Lord Felix explained. “That’s what triggered my breakdown, actually. Those are battlefield smells as much as blood. Poor Hayato found me like that, dripping and sobbing, and sent me off for the day.” He laughed shakily. “What must he be thinking!”

Eiji couldn’t help smiling a little as well at the image. There was something comical about the idea of a war god crying piteously because someone had-

“A patient, my lord?” he asked.

“Yes, I was in the elder rooms today.”

“May I ask… what are those, my lord?”

“It’s where I work, most days. Julia has several rooms that she keeps for those who get so old or sick that they need constant care. Some of them have minds that wander… hence the bedpan-tossing.” Lord Felix huffed out another shaky laugh. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I really need to stop malingering and get out of these clothes before you decide that you’d be better off living with the pigs.”

Eiji departed gratefully to do his own washing up, but his mind was abuzz. He’d never heard about these ‘elder rooms’ before. If he’d been pressed to say what he thought became of those offerings who outlived their usefulness… well, he’d never wanted to linger on the question before.

And Lord Felix worked there. It was bizarre, but a least it made for a few more entries on the list.

Twenty-One: Lord Felix did not like killing, though he was very good at it.

Twenty-Two: Lord Felix worked in the elder rooms. That was where he went all day. That was how Lord Marcus’ second chose to spend his time- getting bedpans thrown at him.

Twenty-Three: Lord Felix made no sense.

When Eiji was finally scrubbed to his own satisfaction and ventured past his curtain, he found Lord Felix already bathed and seated in his usual chair. The god looked up, smiling, at the sound of Eiji’s entry and gestured to the other chair.

“Bad news. I’m afraid I’m going to ask you to sit and look at me again. It’s just for this conversation, I promise.”

Eiji lowered himself carefully into the chair. “My lord’s will is never bad news. I am honored to obey.”

His pulse thrummed, fast and erratic, in his ears. He’d spent all day practicing his apology. He’d barely thought about _this_ conversation.

What would Lord Felix say? Would he explain that the kiss had been a mistake? Eiji felt that his master would be kind about it, but if anything, that would only make the rejection sting more. Would Lord Felix scold him for his forwardness? That would be more than justified. Eiji had had no business grasping after privileges he hadn’t earned. 

“Well.” Lord Felix cleared his throat. One of the god’s big hands was rubbing at the back of his neck. The other was mirroring those motions on his knee. “I made rather a fool of myself last night. I hope… when I kissed you, did it… ugh. Did I frighten you? Or disgust you?”

“No, not at all!” In his surprise, Eiji dared a glance up at his master’s face, which was pinched and pink enough that it showed through the darkness of his skin. “It was wonderful! My lord.”

“Oh, good.” Lord Felix’s face relaxed, but only a little. “I’ve been afraid that I bullied you into it. Took advantage of your fear.”

“My lord, I am entirely at your disposal.” Eiji tried to keep his voice steady, but he knew his bewilderment was bleeding through. “My body is yours to do with as you please.”

“Well, it pleases me not to do anything you don’t want. It would please me if you would… in fact, let’s make that a standing order. Look at me, please.” When Eiji lifted his eyes, they were snared immediately in the intensity of Lord Felix’s gaze. The god’s eyes were red-rimmed, but as dark and attentive as ever, and his voice was even softer than usual as he spoke. “If I ask to touch you and you don’t want it, you are under orders to say as much. I ask because I want to know the truth.”

Eiji nodded, though he couldn’t imagine a scenario in which he wouldn’t welcome his master’s touch. “Yes, my lord.”

“Good. Thank you.” Lord Felix sat back in his own chair, but he kept his eyes on Eiji’s. His face tensed a little as he spoke again. “Will you please tell me what you felt when I kissed you?”

“Surprise,” Eiji said. It was impossible to lie, pinned under that thoughtful gaze. “I had meant to offer my mouth for, um, other service.”

Lord Felix flushed. “Ah. Yes. I had realized as much- later. As I said, I made a fool of myself.”

“I… Please, my lord…” Damn, Eiji hated this. It was so much harder to gather his courage when he wasn’t allowed to kneel. “Please, you didn’t make a fool of yourself. You were very good to me last night. I deserved punishment for my disobedience, but you gave me mercy instead. And the kiss was… I liked it very much, my lord!”

He was faltering and stammering like a child. The priests would have despaired of him.

“It was very gentle!” he sputtered. “You are always very gentle, my lord. It’s better than I deserve. I don’t understand why my lord would wish to kiss me, but I am very grateful. And I understand if it won’t happen again, but-”

He stopped himself, finally. What was he _saying?_ ‘I understand?’ Why had he implied that his master should want or need his understanding? He was meant to obey, not understand. He was overstepping terribly. He was going to be punished after all. He was going to be sent away and he would never see Lord Felix again until he was old and addled and throwing bedpans at him, and-

“Eiji?” His master’s voice was gentle and soft and a little astonished. “Surely you know I’m absolutely smitten with you?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When last we left our heroes, Felix was about to... *gasp*... deal with and talk about his feelings directly, like a grownup? Someone escort Antony to the fainting couch.
> 
> Today's unhinged ramblings brought to you by: The Children of the Whale

“Eiji? Surely you know I’m absolutely smitten with you?”

Had Eiji misheard, or was he hallucinating? Maybe this was another dream? Any of those options made more sense than…

“… My lord?”

It wasn’t much of a response, and he knew he sounded as dazed as he felt, but perhaps the god would take pity and grant him a little clarity.

“I see. I suppose I haven’t been as clear as I thought. Forgive me for alarming you, Eiji. It can be difficult to woo without being… overpowering.”

Woo? What? Why on earth…

Suppose the god did want him. That was all very well. Lots of the gods used their attendants in that way. But why would he bother wooing him? All he had to do was order Eiji to his bed. Why talk about wooing, or being… smitten?

“Well, I’ll be a little clearer,” Lord Felix said. “I think you’re wonderful.”

That was even more confusing. What did it matter if he was wonderful? Did his master feel like bedding him or not? 

“Are you all right?” Lord Felix asked. 

“Yes, my lord.” The reply was automatic.

“Am I frightening you?” 

“No, my lord.”

“Eiji, I’d like the truth. Take a moment to think over your mind and body, please. Then tell me if you’re frightened.”

It was easier to search for one particular emotion than to deal with all his questions and confusions. Eiji gratefully pushed the chaos to the side and considered himself.  


He was tense. He was confused. He was hopeful, and he hated himself for it. But fear?

Yes. Always. Always a great sucking abyss of fear.

“I am frightened, my lord,” he whispered, unable to lie when those big dark eyes rested so thoughtfully on him. “But no more than usual.”

Lord Felix’s mouth turned down. _Now_ Eiji was more frightened than usual.

“I see,” the god said, low and soft, before Eiji could launch into his litany of apologies. “I’d like to put you at ease. Is there anything I can do that will help with that?”

There was one thing, very pressing, and though he hardly dared to ask, Lord Felix had said he wanted the truth.

“May I kneel, my lord?” Eiji begged.

Lord Felix didn’t look happy to hear the request, but he nodded. Eiji slipped gratefully to his knees.

“Thank you, my lord,” he breathed.

It was easier to think without half his brain screaming at him that he was being disrespectful. Unfortunately, thinking didn’t do much to clear away his bewilderment. What on earth did Lord Felix mean by ‘smitten?’ Why was he saying all these things?

“Is that better?” the god asked.

“Yes, my lord, thank you.” He dipped his head, but then forced himself to meet his master’s eyes again. Lord Felix had been clear about his desire for eye contact.

“Well, that’s good, then.” 

The god’s smile was so kind and, though Eiji hardly dared to think it, a little awkward. 

The softness of the smile, a quick consultation of the list - _Lord Felix wants me to think he’s nice_ \- and a great burst of courage allowed Eiji to pull in a breath and speak.

“My lord honors me far beyond my worth with such attentions,” he said. “Please use this body in any way you desire, my lord. It would be my pleasure to service you.”

Lord Felix blinked, frowned. Eiji cursed himself.

“That isn’t what I meant, dear,” the god said. “You’ve only been with me a few days. I don’t expect you to jump into bed with a stranger. That’s not what I want from you.”

Eiji’s heart plummeted and tears stung his eyes. How had he misunderstood this badly? What did all of this mean, if not that his master wanted to bed him? Why didn’t he understand? Why was it all happening again?

It wasn’t courage, but a wave of despair that had him speaking out of turn again.

_“Please,_ my lord, I beg you to tell me what you want from me,” he said in a miserable rush. “Forgive your stupid servant, I’m sorry I don’t know your will, but… I promise I will do whatever it is you wish of me, and joyfully, if you’ll only do me the favor of telling me what that is!”

He dropped down into his full bow just as the first tear leaked out. It dribbled, hot and accusing, onto the carpet under his face.

The list of things he knew about himself was much, much longer than twenty-three entries. _Twenty years of training couldn’t make me into a proper attendant. I can’t figure anything out without help. I am useless. I am stupid. I am boring. I am bad. I am not worth speaking to. I am not worth looking at. I am not worth anyth-_

“May I please touch you?”

The soft request came from so close that Lord Felix must have slipped from his chair and knelt in front of Eiji. How could he have been so oblivious to his master’s movements? He could revile himself when he was alone. Right now, he needed to stay focused.

“Yes, my lord,” he whispered.

Huge, cold hands settled on his shoulders and pulled him gently up to his knees. He kept his gaze focused on the god’s chest and tried to ignore the hot tears chasing each other down his cheeks.

Lord Felix made a soft sound of distress. “Oh, Eiji, forgive me. I didn’t mean to upset you. Let me be clear. I’ll tell you what I want from you.”

It had been a bold request. Eiji’s hopes had extended only to the desperate wish that he not be punished for voicing it. He hadn’t thought that it would actually be granted.

This was what he’d always needed and never earned the chance to have. This would make everything better, clear away the confusion and show him how he should serve. This would show him how to be a good attendant and earn his master’s favor at last. He would never have to be invisible again. He could finally, _finally_ be good.

The sudden stab of hope made Eiji reckless, and he lifted his eyes to Lord Felix’s face. His master only smiled at his boldness and continued speaking.

“What I want is to continue spending time together so that we can explore what kind of relationship we want to have. I’ve lived blissfully with men who were my lovers, men who wanted to be romantic without bedding me, men who wanted the opposite, and men who just wanted to be friends. All of them were wonderful. Nothing you decide will carry the risk of losing your place here.”

“But…” Eiji realized he was about to argue with the god and cut himself off, horrified. No amount of confusion could excuse behavior like that. “Please, my lord, what is it that _you_ want from _me?”_

Anything. He would give anything, do anything. It was what he was for. If he only knew what was required, he would do anything to please this kindly master. Another tear slipped from his eye.

Lord Felix lifted one great hand from Eiji’s shoulder and wiped the tear from his cheek. His master smiled at him so tenderly that Eiji’s fool heart skipped for reasons other than fear.

“I want your happiness, dear.”

This was too much. It was like the daydream of a callow, untested boy swooning to himself in his temple cot, imagining himself a character in a romance, clasped in his master’s arms like a treasure or a husband. A boy who had no idea of what it was to be an offering. A stupid boy. Eiji had been such a stupid boy…

“You see,” Lord Felix went on, “one of my many flaws is a tendency to fall in love fast and hard. I’m quite ridiculous that way. You’ve captivated me, Eiji. So please believe me when I say that what I want is to give you whatever it is _you_ want. If that’s me, you’ll have me. If it’s another lover, I’ll help you any way I can. If it’s no lovers, I’ll be happy to live with you as friends. As long as I get to see that smile again one day, I’ll be perfectly, foolishly happy.”

It was overwhelming. Terrifying, even. Eiji felt full to bursting with unknowable emotions and, simultaneously, scraped so hollow that he would echo if somebody rapped him.  


What did all of this mean? Why was Lord Felix saying these things? How could he be so cruel as to taunt Eiji like this? 

He didn’t mean it. He couldn’t. Because a week ago, Eiji would have been transported with joy at a half-distracted grunt of “Good morning” and now his master was staring into his face and talking like a hero from a song with his big dark eyes fixed on Eiji, his full attention on Eiji. It should have felt good, but it was like a file being scraped directly over his brain. Eiji felt both exposed and crowded into a corner. His head spun and his heart thudded frantically.

“My lord,” he said, but his voice was trembling and his vision was blurred and he didn’t know what he planned to say next.

One chilly hand traced lightly down his arm and took hold of his own shaking fingers. Eiji let his hand be lifted, then Lord Felix dropped his head to press a kiss to Eiji’s knuckles. 

His lips were just as soft as they had been last night. Also like last night, there was no demand in the gesture, no taking. Eiji felt simultaneously relieved as the pressure of his master’s gaze was broken and overwhelmed by confusion at Lord Felix’s actions.

“Please, my lord… why?” he asked before he could stop himself.

He regretted the words at once. In the first place, he had no right to question his master. In the second place, he had not worded his question well at all. How the hell was Lord Felix supposed to answer a plea like that?

The god didn’t get angry, though. He just lifted his head again to smile at Eiji.

“I was impressed by everything your cadre said about you. They said you were a dedicated worker, that you pushed yourself hard, that you were focused and driven. I admire people like that, so I was interested to meet you. But I didn’t plan to ask you to live with me until I saw your smile. If you remember, you didn’t know what I was at first, and you gave me this smile…” 

Lord Felix’s gaze had gone a little unfocused, and he gave a sigh that wouldn’t have seemed out of place coming from Eiji’s own lips as a dreamy teenager. It was so strange to hear that high, wistful sound coming from such a big man- big god- who probably still had some blood under his nails.

“I liked the way you stiffened up when Zenji underestimated you,” his master went on. “I like how a challenge makes you batter against it instead of cowering away. I like the way you think before you speak. I love watching your mind work. And of course you know you’re shockingly beautiful. You hardly need me to tell you so. But if I still needed to breathe… well, it would be a problem with you around.”

_Too much, too much, too much._ Eiji shouldn’t have asked for more when he couldn’t handle the attention he was already getting. But Lord Felix’s voice was so earnest and his face was a little bashful, and this had to be a cruel dream or a crueler joke because there was no other way to fit it into Eiji’s experience. Every word felt like a spark landing on exposed skin. _Too much. Stop, please._

He had to escape. He had to get up and run and find a safe, dark place with no eyes so he could breathe again. But he didn't have permission, he needed to stay, he needed to pretend for this conversation, if no other, that he could be good.

Lord Felix gave a self-conscious shrug. “I know it’s not much to know about a person before nattering on about love. Like I said, I’m a little ridiculous. But I think you’re fascinating, and I just want to talk with you every day and find out more about you. That’s all I’m asking.”

That was when Eiji’s mind ground to a halt. It was all overwhelming, but the idea of someone, anyone, let alone a god, wanting to learn about him and know him…

He put his hands over his face so that at least he wouldn't have to _see_ his master looking at him and he cried. He cried hard and silently and if Lord Felix said anything else to him, he didn’t hear it. He was only dimly aware of massive arms gathering him up and carrying him carefully to his bed.

The last thought he had was, _Why **now?**_

Then he fell into an exhausted sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovely readers! Thank you so much for your patience. <3 I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. Stuff with my family of origin was especially less-than-ideal this month, and unfortunately, Eiji isn't a character that's healthy for me to write when I'm emotionally unstable myself. He's way too convenient of an excuse to indulge in some very ugly self-talk under the guise of "But it's fiction! I'm just getting in the character's mind!" 
> 
> Luckily, things are better now, and I'm so happy to be back to writing these fools! After all, Eiji may be in a dark place, but we all know that he has a very sweet cheerleader and things are ultimately looking up for him, as they are for me and, I hope, all of you. <3 I love you guys!

Eiji’s first conscious thought was that his head hurt and his eyes were sore.

His second thought was that this was because he had been crying.

His third thought was less a thought than a mental scream of horror and embarrassment. What was _wrong_ with him? Lord Felix had been so kind and complimentary, and he had _cried_ about it? What must the god think of him after that humiliating display? 

He needed to apologize, or he didn’t have even the slimmest hope of being kept. What master would keep an attendant who received his tenderness with sobs?

Eiji forced himself out of bed and washed and dressed carefully. It was his day to deliver breakfast, and he wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep. Usually his master made sure he was up in time for his shift, but that was unlikely to happen anymore. Another privilege, another kindness that Eiji had spat on with his disrespectful actions last night.

When he dragged himself out past his curtain, he felt an almost painful shock at the sight of Lord Felix curled up in his favorite soft chair with a book.

The god looked up when Eiji emerged, but he managed to prostrate himself before there was any danger of meeting his eyes without permission.

“Good morning, Eiji.” His master’s voice was soft and cheerful, as if nothing were out of the ordinary. “You’re up early. How are you feeling? Any better?”

“I am well, my lord.” It was a struggle to respond to the greeting before launching into his apologies. “That is, I am well except for the memory of my behavior last night. Please punish me as you see fit.”

“I hardly think that will help you feel better, which is my goal here, sweetheart.”

Eiji was less sure of that. A punishment would put him on steady, familiar ground and help him make up for his transgressions. It would end this strange, soft limbo he found himself in. 

Still, contradicting Lord Felix was out of the question.

“As my lord wishes, of course,” he managed.

“Eiji…” The god sounded a little hesitant, which made Eiji’s stomach clench tight and scared. “I’m so sorry about last night. It wasn’t my intention to upset you.”

This was worse than anger. Already the panic was thudding dully against the inside of his head.

“Please, my lord, you owe me no apologies.” 

“All right. I won’t apologize. But I would like to know what I said that upset you.”

Dammit. That was the whole problem, wasn’t it?

“I truly don’t know, my lord,” Eiji whispered. He knew that he was being rude, that he shouldn’t make his master strain to hear him, but the whisper was all he could push out. “Your words were kind… far kinder than I deserve. I don’t understand my response and I beg you to punish me for any displeasure it caused.”

“There’s no displeasure, dear.” The god sounded a little sad. “As I said, I only want to get to know you. So how could your honest reaction displease me? You were giving me exactly what I wanted. I’m not going to punish you for that.”

The words should have soothed him. They made sense. But that mournful tone kept Eiji on edge, wondering where he had gone wrong. 

“May I walk you to the kitchens today?” Lord Felix asked after the silence had stretched a little too long. “I need to talk with Zenji.”

Oh no. 

Eiji worried over his master’s plans all the way to the kitchen. What did he want to talk to Zenji about? 

Did he plan to forbid Eiji from working in the kitchens anymore? It would make sense if he did. Twice now in less than a week, Eiji had appeared before his master in an inexcusably slovenly state. He had often been absent from these rooms when Lord Felix was present and might have required some service. And perhaps the god had attributed his recent lapses in proper behavior to the influence of the free-spirited kitchen workers. 

But if Lord Felix meant to end Eiji’s work, wouldn’t he have left him in the room? Perhaps he only wanted to reduce Eiji’s hours, or- Did he want a report from Zenji? That was an even more unnerving thought. 

What would Zenji say about his efforts? He was doing his best, but he’d just started, so there had been mistakes… and yesterday, he’d been demanding about leaving early… Was Lord Felix going to be disappointed in him when he learned all that? Was he going to stop thinking…

…Eiji couldn’t bring himself to think over what the god had said he thought of him. His mind flinched from the memory as if it were a heated brand, though it should have been the most treasured moment of his life. What the fuck was wrong with him?

When they arrived at the door to the kitchen, Lord Felix swung it open and gestured Eiji inside. 

“I’ll see you this afternoon,” the god said. A clear dismissal. 

The kitchen workers made their half-distracted bob in Lord Felix’s direction as he set off, no doubt in search of Zenji. Rokuro waved Eiji over.

“Hotcakes today,” the older man said, gesturing to the vat of batter he was stirring. “You can help Norio add the sugar and molasses- by which I mean, keep him from licking the spoon until he’s finished.”

“I wouldn’t!” Norio protested, but Eiji had already seen him dip a finger in the molasses jar.

“So.” Rokuro began ladling batter into the hissing oil, his face turned to his task and his voice all studied innocence. “How did the big talk go?”

Eiji’s head whipped around and he scanned the room. “What? He found him already?”

“Who found who?” Rokuro asked. 

“My lord and Zenji.” Eiji saw that Lord Felix was speaking with someone else and relaxed infinitesimally. Then his thoughts caught up with him and he turned back to the other man. “Wait, what did you mean?”

“I meant the talk with Lord Felix that you rushed off for yesterday,” Rokuro said, not even bothering to pretend at innocence anymore. “What was all that jerking around?”

“You…” Eiji’s face flamed, and he found himself scowling down at nothing the way his former master used to do. “Is there no privacy in this place?”

“Not much,” Norio put in. “Now come on, why are you so jumpy about Lord Felix?”

“I’m not,” Eiji snapped. “Come on, are we here to talk about my private life or make breakfast?”

“To talk about your private life,” Norio said immediately, but before Eiji could respond Zenji was bustling up to them.

“Eiji, there you are!” he said. “Naoki can’t make deliveries for a few days.”

“Is he all right?” Rokuro asked.

Zenji’s face hardened. “It seems his master was rougher than she meant to be after the battle. He will recover just fine, but Lord Julia doesn’t want him on his feet this week.”

A chill snaked down Eiji’s spine. Naoki belonged to Lord Porcia, if he recalled correctly, and he was a quiet, sweet-natured man who would never have done something as stupid as disobeying a direct order after a battle.

_By all rights… if I had any other master…_

“You’re going to have to cover his deliveries as well,” Zenji went on, not seeming to notice Eiji’s distress. “That includes the back quarter of rooms.”

That included Lord Antony’s room.

“Oh.” Eiji felt a strange lightness in his head. 

He should be upset at the prospect, but instead he felt… what? Nothing? It wasn’t nothing, but it wasn’t a feeling he had a name for. It was a little loose, a little floaty, a little… tickly? None of that made sense. He wasn’t making sense.

And it didn’t matter. Who cared what he felt? It was irrelevant. He had his orders. That was what mattered.

“All right,” he agreed. “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

“Good.” Zenji looked him over, and a strange expression flickered over the older man’s face. “Thank you, Eiji.”

“My lord wanted to speak with you.” Eiji wondered if his voice was coming out a little too even and peaceful, because Norio was looking at him far too closely. “I don’t know what about.”

“Hibiki got him,” Rokuro put in, pointing to where the god was still standing with the same man. “You’d better go rescue poor Lord Felix while he still has ears.”

“Oh gods,” Zenji groaned. He was already striding away and calling out. “My lord Felix! Would you please accompany me to my office? There’s something I need to discuss with you.”

Lord Felix looked apologetic as he detached himself from Hibiki and followed Zenji. Then he caught Eiji looking and flashed a grin on his way out. Eiji was still too light and strange to even feel embarrassed.

“I need to go,” Norio said suddenly. “I’ll be back soon. Hibiki! Come help with the hotcakes, will you?”

The next half hour passed in an endless wave of chatter. Hibiki had just read a new book, apparently, and he was full of thoughts about it. Eiji was only half aware of anything that was said, and before he knew it he was setting off down the hall with his cart piled high.

 _Best to start with Lord Antony’s rooms,_ he thought vaguely. _The lord of the ship comes first._

It was unspeakably strange to approach that door. Eiji felt as if the last handful of days had all been some kind of dream or spell. Here he was, on his way back from exercise, and there was his master’s door and he would open it and be returned to the undifferentiated days, the silence and sameness. Once again there would be no companion but his own mind- and an unpleasant companion that was, vicious and hateful and never quiet. Lord Felix felt like an impossible fantasy.

_Who would want me? Who would touch me and talk with me and speak about love? How could I have been stupid and arrogant enough even to imagine that a god, that anyone at all, would deign to-_

His hands tightened on the cart. The cart was here, and real. His fingers slipped easily over the metal, worn smooth by many hands. He had never had a cart on his way back from exercising.

Lord Felix might feel like an outrageous fantasy, but he had his work, and that was somehow easier to fix his mind on and steady himself. _I am delivering a meal because I work for Zenji now. This is my job._

He took a tray and stood before the door, heart thudding so hard that it felt like he had a frantic animal caged in his ribs. His ears buzzed with blood, and his hand shook a little as he reached out and knocked on the door.

He was about to see his replacement. He was going to meet the fresh, blooming boy who had taken his place. He needed to stay calm. The boy wouldn’t know him. If he could just stay calm and businesslike, then it would all be over in a moment and he could stop panicking and get on with his day.

Nothing. No one came.

Had his knock been too quiet? He rapped on the door again, but he could tell that this time he was even softer.

He couldn’t help it. His head was swimming. The old feeling of weightless unreality had taken him with such practiced ease that he barely felt its familiar grip.

_No one hears me. No one sees me. Am I even here? Am I real? What does it matter? I can’t change anything. I’m nothing. I’m a worthless, pointless vapor. I’m a ghost. I’m already dead. I-_

The door swung open, and instead of a new offering, Eiji found himself staring down at a familiar form.

Lord Antony himself.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! <3 It's a short one today, but I couldn't figure out how else to break 'er down. I hope you enjoy it regardless!

Eiji blinked down at Lord Antony in wordless, mindless astonishment.

As far as he knew, the god had never answered the door when he was there. Eiji had always rushed over at the sound of a knock, day or night. What was wrong with the new boy?

What was wrong with _him?_ He dropped to his knees, set the tray aside, and folded into his bow.

“M-my lord!” He mustn’t stammer, it made him sound stupid. “Please forgive me for disturbing you!”

“Not at all. I was awake.”

There was a strange note in the god’s voice. Eiji had thought he’d learned every tone and cadence of Lord Antony’s speech, but apparently he’d been wrong.

As he bowed at his former master’s feet, the last few days felt more and more insubstantial. Lord Felix and all his too-kind, incomprehensible words faded away. If Eiji had heard ‘May I touch you?” right now, he wouldn’t even have twitched in response. There was only this god and this endless moment in which he was, once again, beneath notice.

The silence stretched. Lord Antony had neither taken the tray himself nor ordered Eiji to hand it to him. What was happening? What was the god doing? Eiji itched to break position and peek, though he would never do such a thing.

“You are… settling well into general service, then?”

It took Eiji an embarrassing amount of time to realize that the question was meant for him. _Not at all. I was awake. You are settling well into general service, then?_ It might have been the most Lord Antony had said to him at a stretch in… a year? Two?

“Y-yes, my lord.” He was stammering again, but given the whirlpool of nerves and confusion that had replaced his brain, he couldn’t help it. 

He should leave it there. Anything further would be more information than the god had strictly asked for, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from opening again.

“Lord Felix has been kind enough to take me into his protection.”

The words felt like a lie in his mouth, even though the rational part of his brain knew them for the truth. He wanted them to be true so badly that it felt impossible that they were.  


_See? Someone wants me. Someone important._

What was wrong with him? In the moment, the master who had been so kind that he’d broken Eiji mattered only as a way to prove something to the master who had never asked him a question about himself until this one. Was he hoping that Lord Antony would be… impressed? Jealous? He hardly even knew. Gods, he was a mess.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Lord Antony sounded… sincere. “It’s good to see you again.”

There was a soft clinking sound as the god retrieved the tray, then the door shut and he was gone.

Eiji lay where he was for a long moment, utterly confounded.

What had just happened? That had been almost a conversation! Where had it come from? Why…

… Why _now?_

He scraped himself off the boards and got to his feet. He went to the next door, and the next, completing his rounds in a daze. If anybody else spoke with him, he didn’t remember a word that passed between them.

There was no reason for it, but his mind kept playing over the night of his choosing. 

He had thought his heart might explode with fear as the gods approached. It had taken him nearly eight years to beat Akito out for the top spot in their cadre, but he had clung to that position ever since. Things didn’t come easily to him. He had few real talents beyond a certain natural grace of movement. He didn’t enjoy academic work the way some of the others did, and he’d never understood the appeal of reading for pleasure. 

The only way he’d made it to the top and remained there was late nights, torturous repetition, and unceasing work. He hadn’t played or gossiped with the other boys. There had been too much work to do. 

And as the footsteps creaked over the dais and he bowed in the foremost place, he was paralyzed with fear that the gods would know immediately what a sham he was. He was no easy, natural attendant. He had to force it. He was a fraud.

But Lord Antony had chosen him. Lord Antony. One of the Three. Every temple boy’s wildest dream had become Eiji’s reality.

The first night had been almost unbearably wonderful. Lord Antony had looked him over with a hungry, possessive gaze that had made him shiver deliciously. And when his master had fed from him, he had felt himself a true offering for the first time: surrender and submission came easily after all, once he was under the hands of a god.

But over the next few days, Lord Antony’s glances and words had died away. After a month, they had settled into what Eiji had not yet realized was to be the pattern for the next six years. 

Where had he gone wrong? Had he somehow rectified that mistake now, once it was already too late? Where had that little conversation with Lord Antony come from? He couldn’t stop puzzling over it, again and again and again.

He was late getting back to the kitchen, but that was hardly surprising given the sudden doubling of his delivery route. Zenji greeted him with surprise.

“You were fast,” the older man noted. “Good work. Rokuro! Give the man his breakfast!”

Rokuro had saved out an enormous pile of hotcakes, drenched in much more molasses than the other offerings had been afforded. He presented it to Eiji with a concerned look and squeeze of the shoulder. Eiji knew he should be touched by this solicitousness, but he just felt tired.

Rokuro didn’t press him any further about his ‘big talk’ with Lord Felix as he ate. But then Norio sidled up, eyes fixed on Eiji, and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to avoid conversation.

“Hello, Eiji,” he said in the worst approximation of casualness that Eiji had ever heard.

Eiji barely restrained the urge to roll his eyes. “Yes? What do you want?”

“You wound me.” Norio flopped down beside him. “Hey Rokuro, where’s mine?”

“You live in a kitchen,” the bigger man grumbled. “Why are you relying on me to feed you?”

But he was already retrieving another prepared plate and handing it over.

“Why did you wait so long?” Rokuro grumbled. “It’s halfway to lunch.”

“I was busy cleaning Zenji’s office.” Norio speared an enormous forkful of hotcake.

“What? Why?” Judging by Rokuro’s tone, that wasn’t one of Norio’s usual duties.

Eiji looked down into his plate and smeared the molasses around with a bite of hotcake. _I’m an interloper here. I don’t live with them. I don’t really belong here._

He didn’t belong with Lord Antony anymore. And he was feeling some doubt as to whether he could ever belong with Lord Felix. A single glimpse of his old master was all it took to get him to treat his new master like a flashy new accessory. He flushed at the memory- what a fool he’d made of himself. 

“I was being punished,” Norio said carelessly. “Not much of a punishment, but that was because Lord Felix begged Zenji to go easy on me.”

Lord Felix. Lord Felix was going to change his mind about Eiji. If he could have seen the childish way Eiji had flaunted him just now, he would have changed his mind already. Any day now, he would understand what a mistake he’d made and then there would be no more talk about love.

There was a strange relief in the idea. Was that what Eiji wanted? After all these years of craving attention, why did the idea of being pushed away again feel so… comforting?

“Gods, Norio! What were you being punished for?”

Eiji was broken. That was the only explanation. He was bad and broken and he should never have been allowed to be an offering at all, let alone the temple’s choice. Everyone saw through his charade eventually. It was just taking Lord Felix a little longer than usual, but soon-

“Eavesdropping.” Norio popped another bite of hotcake into his mouth, chewed, and then, disgustingly, spoke around it. “So, Eiji. Do you want to hear what Zenji and Lord Felix said about you?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For one chapter only: The Norio Show!
> 
> I've removed the 'no beta we die like men' tag because the inestimable madrastic is now editing for me! You can find their work here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madrastic/pseuds/madrastic

Zenji’s office shared a wall with the pantry where dry goods were stored, so Norio hadn’t had to do anything but crawl onto a barrel of flour and press his ear to the thin wall to listen in on the conversation between Zenji and Lord Felix. By the time he’d wriggled into position, the god was already speaking. Norio had had to strain to catch his soft voice.

“- something you’d rather not talk about,” Lord Felix had said. “I won’t hold it against you if so.”

“I know that.” Zenji had sounded dismissive. “But I don’t mind discussing Eiji with you.”

“Really? I’m grateful.” A pause. “Does he seem… happy to you?”

“No.” Zenji was nothing if not blunt.

“I didn’t think so.” A sigh. “Zenji, I hate to ask you about your own time with Antony, but… Hayato…”

“There’s no talking with him.” Zenji had sounded strained.

“Not about that.” Another pause. “I should have come to you before.”

“Yes, you should,” Zenji had snapped. Then, more softly, “I suppose I could have raised the subject myself.”

There was a long silent moment before Lord Felix started speaking.

“I knew this time was going to be different. Usually, before I invite someone to live with me, they’ve been in the barracks for six years and we’ve gotten to know each other. I knew Eiji and I would be strangers to each other and it would be… awkward. But it’s been…”

“Worse than awkward?”

“I just want to help him,” Lord Felix said. There was a desperate note to his voice that Norio wouldn’t have expected from the usually calm god. “He’s so strong, but he’s clearly miserable and I don’t know how to make him feel safe enough to talk to me about it. My usual methods aren’t working at all.”

“Methods?”

“Oh, come on, you’ve known me how long? Usually, if I’m just calm and friendly and clear about what I expect, they relax eventually. But, with Eiji, I seem to be making things worse.”

“And what you expect is…?”

There was a rapid, nervous tapping, presumably from nails on the table. “For him to be himself! To do what he wants!”

“Do you really not see how that could be an unreachable expectation for him right now? Felix, you’re my friend and you know I’m saying this with love, but you’re setting the poor man up for failure.”

“That’s why I came to you. I understand that something is different this time, and the first factor that comes to mind is Antony.”

Another pause, this one drawing out long enough to be uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” Lord Felix had said finally. “I shouldn’t pressure you. This isn’t your problem.”

“Oh, shut up, will you?” Even Norio had been a little shocked at that. “He’s one of mine now, too. He’s a good man. Works hard.” Then, more softly, “Anyhow, you’re not asking frivolously. You wouldn’t do that.”

“No. I wouldn’t.”

“Of course.” Zenji had taken a breath so heavy that Norio heard it even through the wall. “Well, the first thing to understand is that you’re scaring him. I know you’ve had good results from acting like you’re just another one of us, but that won’t work anymore. He was raised to serve in a specific way and he hasn’t been allowed to do that. Let him serve you.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“Then find him another master. Or send him to live here. But if you won’t give him what he needs right now and you won’t let him go? Then learn to live with things as they are and stop wasting my time.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re right.” A pause. “Are you sure that’s what he needs?”

“Do you know what he said yesterday, when he was begging me to let him go early and get cleaned up? ‘I just want to be good for him.’ He was desperate. You have to let him do that, Felix.”

“He _is_ good for me.”

“Let him be what he means by ‘good’, then.”

“I let him kneel and bow when he wants to and I don’t make him call me Felix.”

“That’s good, but it’s only a start. I’m not saying you have to turn into Lord Marcus, but surely there’s something you could ask him to do for you. You need to let him know that he’s useful to you.”

“How can I explain to him that he doesn’t _have_ to be useful?”

“You can’t. Look, as long as you’re not letting him be your attendant, he’ll wonder why you’re keeping him and when you’ll decide to stop. He had friends before, but they were never a source of safety. Don’t be his friend. Or at least… don’t _just_ be his friend. He won’t feel safe unless you’re also his master.”

“Really?” A pause. “It’s never been like this before.”

“Your last attendant was before my time, so I don’t know anything about that. But he was from general service, wasn’t he? Someone you’d known for six years, who’d never served under another exclusive master before you?”

“Yes.”

“You said it yourself. Coming from Antony is different.”

“Is he…” A hesitation. “I know he’s not… what he once was. But is he really that bad?”

“He’s not violent or insulting or demanding. He doesn’t hurt you or say anything cruel.” Zenji’s voice had sounded fragile in a way that Norio had never heard before. “He just… ignores you. For six years.”

More silence.

“So for pity’s sake, Felix, let the poor man feel he’s doing something right. Meet him where he is. Don’t try to change him, at least not yet. Take what he offers and don’t ask for more right now. Once he knows he’s safe, you have the rest of his life to worry about helping him find himself and all that.”

“All right.” Lord Felix had sounded defeated. “Thank you. I appreciate-”

Exactly what Lord Felix appreciated, Norio hadn’t been able to find out, because just then Yudai had opened the door to the pantry and given a startled squawk at seeing him. The bowl he’d been holding had crashed to the floor and splintered loudly. Norio had jolted away from the wall so quickly that he’d fallen off the barrel with a thunderous impact. By the time he’d picked himself up, Lord Felix had been kneeling next to him, drawn by all the racket.

“Norio! Are you all right?” the god had demanded, peering anxiously at him.

“Yes sir,” Norio had grunted, though he’d already suspected that his tailbone would ache for a few days.

Zenji had puffed up to the doorway, where he looked between poor startled Yudai and Norio.

Yudai had started stammering. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t expect- What were you doing on the barrel?”

Norio had considered lying, but dismissed the idea quickly. Zenji would never have been fooled.

“I was listening in,” he had admitted. Then, in a whisper to Lord Felix, “Eiji was worried about your talk.”

Zenji had gaped at him, but Lord Felix had whirled around with his face so distressed that Norio had almost felt guilty for his eavesdropping. Almost. He loved Lord Felix and Eiji had been an unfriendly, stuck-up prick back at the temple, but humans had to stick together.

“He knew it was about him?” the god had faltered, whispering like Norio had done. “Norio… please don’t tell him Zenji’s advice. Please. I don’t want him to think I’m doing anything because I have to, or that he made me, or that-”

High on the sight of a god pleading with him, Norio had dared to interrupt.

“Get him to go easy on me-” here he had indicated Zenji’s growing storm cloud of a face “-and I’ll leave that part out.”

_____________________________________________________________________

Now Eiji was looking at Norio, his face slack with disbelief, and Norio had to wonder how much of what Zenji and Lord Felix had discussed had been true. Surely, being with Lord Antony couldn’t have been as bad as all that. Zenji had said himself: they didn’t get beaten or berated. What was so awful about being ignored now and then? You couldn’t expect to be the center of a god’s attention all the time. Being the temple’s choice really went to a man’s head.

Still. Norio had promised, and Lord Felix had held up his end of the deal. He was a good friend, strange as that might be to say about a god.

“W-What did they say?” Eiji was breathless and pale, his breakfast forgotten in his lap.

Rokuro was gaping at him, too. Was the baker overcome with his daring? Norio couldn’t help preening a little.

“Lord Felix asked if you seemed happy here,” he told Eiji. “Zenji said you liked your work and were good at it. He said you were a hard worker, and Lord Felix said he knew that. He sounded awfully proud of you. He said you were strong.”

Eiji gaped like a fish. His eyes were suspiciously bright and Norio was afraid that he might start crying.

He’d never seen Eiji cry, not once, in all the years they’d lived together at the temple. Whenever he got hurt or received a punishment or someone called him a nasty name, he would just press his lips tight and get a deep line down his brow like he was concentrating.

To his shame, Norio had been guilty of one or two of those nasty names. He hadn’t understood at the time why he wanted to torment Eiji, but he recognized the impulse now as his desire to get the beautiful boy to react and pay attention to him.

Eiji never reacted the way he wanted and he never paid attention to Norio for very long (which Norio survived just fine, so there was another reason to think Lord Antony hadn’t been so bad). He was terrifyingly, unflappably focused. For Eiji, it was always about the next goal, the next challenge.

It was strange to see him this fragile. Something had fundamentally changed in Eiji, something that had left him as open and needy and vulnerable as Norio had always wanted him to be when they were young.

He didn’t want it anymore. 

“Better eat up,” he said with a teasing nudge of his shoulder, making Eiji flush and Rokuro groan. “I think Lord Felix liiiikes you. I think you’re going to need _all_ your energy.”

That night, as Norio fantasized about Rokuro joining him in his cot and wrapping his strong baker’s arms around him, he would spare a thought for his old flame and wish him well.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could it be? A chapter in which Eiji does not suffer a mental collapse? :O

Eiji made it back to Lord Felix’s rooms ahead of the god, for once. It was good to get cleaned up before being seen. Finally, he could present himself at his best.

He dressed in a sleek blue robe that dipped just a little farther down the chest than most and applied his makeup with greater care than he’d used all week. He pulled most of his hair back into a loose braid, but he left several strands free to hang around his face. With any luck, that would be enough to tempt a quiet “May I touch you?” and a chilly hand pushing them behind his ears.

Eiji was ready and kneeling by Lord Felix’s preferred chair when the god finally entered. Before dropping into his bow, he managed a quick peek. Lord Felix wasn’t befouled and reeking today, but he did look disheveled, with some suspicious stains on his clothes. Eiji was beginning to understand why his master favored such plain, sturdy attire.

“Hello, Eiji.” Lord Felix’s voice was even warmer than usual. “Would you please do me a favor and fetch my pitcher from my washroom? If you’d be so good as to fill it at the barrel and then prepare my basin; I would love to have everything ready so I can wash as soon as I get out of these dirty clothes.”

Eiji’s heart sang. It was a struggle to rise gracefully when all he wanted was to scramble up and bolt for the washroom.

“Yes, my lord!” He couldn’t quite keep the grin off his face.

Eiji’s hands shook a little as he snatched the crude clay pitcher from its place on the edge of the washbasin.  _ Calm down, you stupid thing.  _ He was being ridiculous. It was the simplest errand in the world. A two-year-old could have done it. He’d done more complicated work as a scullion all morning.

Lord Felix was still removing his shoes when Eiji shot past to get to the barrel, clutching the pitcher and forgetting all his deportment lessons.  _ Walk gracefully. Swing your hips. Seem to float.  _ He would do better on his way back through the sitting room.

He did. He kept his strides smooth enough that the water barely sloshed in its clay prison. Painfully aware of Lord Felix’s eyes on him, he still didn’t dare glance in his master’s direction. He had a task to perform, and it wasn’t to stand around mooning at a handsome god.

When the basin was filled, he glanced around the washroom and tried to remember where Lord Felix had taken all his things from on the night of the ki- the battle. He opened a drawer, praying that it wouldn’t contain something he wasn’t meant to see, and found that he’d remembered correctly. Pulling out a clean-looking towel, he folded it quickly beside the basin. He also set out the little bottle of oil and laid the hairbrush and the fat cake of soap on top of the towel, trying to arrange it all in as visually pleasing a way as possible.

“Thank you, Eiji.” At the sound of his master’s voice at the doorway, Eiji whirled around and started to dip into his bow. He was halted by a gesture, and Lord Felix went on speaking. “It looks lovely. I might have known that you would go above and beyond. I’m fortunate to have such an accomplished attendant.”

The god dismissed him so he could change in privacy, and Eiji half-floated back to the room to kneel again by the chair and wait. His chest felt swollen tight with glee and he couldn’t stop smiling. Why did talk about love make him panic, but a compliment to his service made him feel like this?

In what felt like no time, Lord Felix returned, clean and freshly dressed, and settled into the chair next to Eiji.

“I feel much better, thank you,” the god said. “Shall we make a habit of that? Would you be willing to set those things out for me whenever you make it back to our rooms first?”

Was Eiji glowing? Was there light pouring out of his body? Lord Felix would probably say something if there were.

_ I was good. I did so well that he wants to receive the same service again, every day. There’s something I can do for him every day. _

“It is my pleasure to serve, my lord,” he breathed.

The god hummed in response, sounding as if he were on the verge of saying something else, then he stopped and shifted a little in his chair before asking, “How was your day?”

The question didn’t worry and itch at Eiji like it usually did. In fact, he had to work to avoid leaning against the chair, the leg, the god. How long had it been since he’d been relaxed like this?

“It was wonderful, my lord. Rokuro taught me how to shape the loaves.” Then, caught by an unexpected twinge of shyness, “But that is hardly worth… I don’t know why I said ‘wonderful.’ It’s a small thing.”

It was small, but it wasn’t just the bread. It was the way Lord Felix and Zenji had complimented him, the way Norio had risked punishment to bring those compliments to him, and, yes, it was also the bread. 

It had been good to do work that took a little care, to learn how to get it just right (roll the dough flat, make it into a log, tuck the ends, slice little diagonal lines into the top layer- he’d been practicing in his mind all day), to hear Rokuro’s enthusiastic praise. Better than good. Wonderful. Still, he flushed a little at the idea of making so much out of so little in conversation with a war god.

“Not at all,” his master replied. Did he sound this warm and sincere when he spoke with the other gods? “One doesn’t get to learn a new skill every day, it’s something I would be excited about, too.”

“I’m sure Rokuro would teach you as well, my lord, if you wished it.” The words had tumbled out before Eiji realized that, of course, Lord Felix had meant a new skill generally, not breadmaking.  _ Stupid. _

He opened his mouth to apologize, only to be interrupted by his master’s voice, which had turned thoughtful. “I would like that. But I would rather learn from you. Do you think Rokuro would teach you how to make bread, beginning to end, so that you could teach me how to do it like he does?”

“I-I am sure he would, if my lord willed it.” Why in the world should Lord Felix will it? He couldn’t eat mortal food. Why should he waste his time learning to make it?

“That sounds wonderful. It’s been some time since I baked bread,” the god enthused. Then, his tone turning teasing, “You’ll be a patient teacher, won’t you?”

“Of course, my lord.” Eiji’s mind was stuck on another part of his master’s statement. It took some effort not to blurt  _ “You made bread? When? Why?” _

Of course, breadmaking was hardly a stranger activity for a war god than elder care.

“Oh good.” There was a moment of hesitation, then, “I’m sure Norio told you about his little misadventure?”

It wasn’t a question, but he said it like one. Eiji’s smile stole back onto his face at the memory of the risk his old acquaintance had taken on his behalf.

“He did, my lord. He was very grateful for your kind intervention.”

Lord Felix snorted at that. “Right, I’m sure he’s overcome with gratitude.”

Eiji had to swallow a snicker. His master seemed to have a fairly solid understanding of Norio’s personality.

“Did he say anything that worried- ah, I’m sorry. I won’t ask you to carry tales about your friends.” Lord Felix was quiet for a moment, then, “May I please touch you?”

Eiji hadn’t realized that he’d been hoping for those words until he heard them. “Of course, my lord.”

Lord Felix’s fingers went right for the loose strands of hair.  _ Yes!  _ The god tucked them back, tilted up Eiji’s chin, then beamed down at him, opening his mouth to speak. Still caught up in pleasure, Eiji couldn’t help smiling back. Lord Felix seemed to abandon whatever he had been about to say as his smile stretched even wider and the skin around his soft, dark eyes fanned into dozens of delicate lines. His usually steady gaze altered, pupils dilating until the god looked half-dazzled.

It felt right in a way the other touches hadn’t. Eiji had been good, and he was being rewarded with his master’s attention. Relaxing into the contact, Eiji waited obediently until the god remembered, some moments later, what he’d been meaning to say.

“I’m looking forward to tomorrow,” Lord Felix said. “What would you like to do with our day off?”

“Whatever pleases you, my lord,” Eiji replied easily, unable to suppress another smile.

Well, and why should he suppress it? Lord Felix had said that he enjoyed Eiji’s smile. Why hide his pleasure at the thought of a day with no lesser obligations to distract from his service to his master?

A strange expression flickered over the god’s face so quickly that Eiji wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it.

“I thought I might give you a tour of the ship,” Lord Felix said with no hint of anything unusual in his voice. He must have imagined the look after all. “The belowdecks portions, at least. And I can introduce you to some of my friends that you haven’t met yet. Does that sound all right?”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji nodded.

He wondered who these ‘friends’ might be. It would be strange for the god to refer to humans as his friends, but it would be just as strange for him to bother introducing Eiji to gods. He supposed he would just have to see where the day took him.

For once, that didn’t seem like such a dreadful prospect.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I always feel sheepish about posting two days in a row... I don't want to annoy y'all with excessive posting... but here I am, doing it anyway. 😂

Eiji was awakened by a sickening lurch.

After all these years of living on a ship, he was no longer alarmed by this. Envying the hammocks used in the general service barracks, he rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, his bladder had other ideas, so Eiji dragged himself out of bed with a cavernous yawn.

As he began shuffling back from his little washroom, grateful for the straps that kept his chamber pot in its place and the lid that kept its contents secured, the ship rocked again. He stumbled and fell heavily to his knees.  _ Ouch.  _ He wasn’t a teenager anymore, and he spent a fair amount of time on his knees. They couldn’t handle-

There was a scraping sound, and then Eiji was knocked sprawling by a sudden blow to his left shoulder. He caught himself on his right elbow, barely saving his head from striking the floor, but the lightning shot of pain from the abused joint combined with the pain in his knees to tear an agonized howl from his mouth.

Even through the haze of pain, Eiji knew what had hit him. It was his chest of belongings.  _ Dammit.  _ He’d known it was dangerous to leave the heavy, sharp-edged thing sitting unsecured, but he’d had nowhere to put his clothes, and now half his body was on  _ fire  _ and he was letting out another moan despite his best efforts, and-

“Eiji?” Lord Felix’s voice cut anxiously into his thoughts. “Are you all right?”

“Y-Yes, my lord!” Eiji whimpered.

_ Wonderful, Eiji.  _ **_That’s_ ** _ sure to convince him. _

Sure enough, Lord Felix tried again.

“May I come in?” he asked, and what could Eiji say to that?

“My lord may do as he ple- _ fuck!”  _ Eiji’s arm finally registered the blow it had sustained and pain lanced all the way from his shoulder to his fingertips, choking his courtesies off into a curse.

The word wasn’t even all the way out of his mouth when Lord Felix was there, dropping heedlessly to his knees in front of Eiji. Even in the dark, Eiji could see the worried knotting of the god’s brow.

“Where are you injured?” Lord Felix asked.

“Shoulder,” Eiji grunted.

He was blind with pain and couldn’t force out a single word beyond that. He started to lift his other arm to cradle the shoulder, but moving his elbow sent a fresh jolt of pain up  _ that  _ arm. He moaned again.

“May I help you up?” Lord Felix’s voice was calm, which for some suicidal reason made Eiji want to swear and snap at him but that was unthinkable so  _ why was he thinking about it? _

“Yes sir,” he wheezed instead.

Eiji’s master touched his sore elbow but pulled his hand back at the hiss of pain Eiji couldn’t quite swallow. Instead of trying his elbow again, Lord Felix put his hands lightly on either side of Eiji’s ribcage and just… hoisted him. Eiji’s squeak was less pain than surprise. He’d seen the strength of the gods on display plenty of times before, of course, but there was something so shocking about being plucked up as easily as a fallen pillow. The ship tilted again, but Lord Felix kept his feet without even seeming to notice. Two or three steps, and the god was setting Eiji carefully on the edge of his bed.

“There,” his master said. “Do you think you can stay upright if I leave now to get Julia?”

“I d-don’t know,” Eiji faltered. The rough seas showed no signs of gentling, and both his arms were throbbing. The idea of catching himself on either-

“All right,” Lord Felix said, calm as ever. “That’s fine. We can wait. Just breathe for a little, all right, sweetheart?”

Eiji shut his eyes and obeyed. The rocking continued, but the big hands gripping him didn’t allow him to lean too far in one direction or the other. He let himself relax into his master’s firm hold.

_ He’s got me. It’s all right. _

It seemed like ages before the pain started to subside, but slowly Eiji’s thoughts cleared. He felt the sharp speed of his own breath and the juddering of his pulse. He felt droplets of sweat trickling down his forehead, his sides, the backs of his legs. He felt the throbbing of his shoulder, his elbow, even his knees.

He felt Lord Felix’s hands.

Eiji knew at once that he needed to apologize for disturbing the god, for his rudeness, for- he would think of the rest once he started, he decided hazily. He opened his eyes.

Lord Felix was gazing intently up at him, his hands still planted securely on either side of Eiji’s middle. He was looking  _ up  _ at Eiji because he was kneeling on the floor at Eiji’s feet.

The image was so viscerally  _ wrong  _ that Eiji swayed not from any movement of the ship, but from a sudden burst of vertigo.  _ This can’t be happening. No no no no- _

“Easy,” the god soothed. “Are you feeling any better?”

“M-My lord!” Why couldn’t Eiji muster more words than that? He wanted to grab the god and tug him to his feet, but of course that would only make things worse.

“Can you try something for me, dear?” his master went on in the same steady tone. “I want you to try to move your shoulder. Can you do that?”

“Yes, my lord.” His voice had never sounded more pathetic, Eiji thought with vague disgust.

He lifted his arm and circled it gingerly in the air. The movement sent hot needles of pain digging into his shoulder joint, but at least his body was responding to his commands.

“Good.” The god sounded so relieved that Eiji dared a glance down at him and found him beaming. “It’s not broken or dislocated. That’s wonderful! We were lucky!”

“Forgive me for making such a fuss, my lord,” Eiji managed. “I’m ashamed of my behavior.”

“Not at all, dear.” Lord Felix shook his head and gave Eiji’s middle a little squeeze where he still held him. “I’m just grateful. It was the chest, wasn’t it? This could have been so much worse.”

The chest. Where was it now? Eiji cast his gaze around the room, then down. He saw that Lord Felix had pinned the chest between his own knee and the bedframe, keeping it from sliding anywhere.

“Eiji…” The god’s voice was hesitant, and Eiji thought he could guess what he was about to ask. “This really ought to be secured.”

Eiji had been right.

And Lord Felix had been right to reprimand him. As his mind cleared, Eiji was slowly realizing the magnitude of his negligence. How could even he have been so foolish?

“I’m so sorry, my lord. I didn’t know where else to put my clothes, and- I’m sorry for damaging my lord’s property! Please punish me for my oversight!”

“Sweetheart, no!” The god sounded horrified. “That isn’t what I meant. I wasn’t scolding you, I’m just glad you’re safe. That’s all that matters.”

As if the sight of his master on his knees at Eiji’s feet weren’t sick and wrong enough already, the god bent his head to drop a tender kiss on the back of Eiji’s hand. Eiji flinched, though the cool lips felt wonderful on his heated skin. His whole body was screaming that this was not right, that it was unnatural, that some kind of punishment was sure to follow.

At his involuntary recoil, Lord Felix pulled back so quickly that it almost seemed like he was flinching as well.

“Forgive me, Eiji,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done that without asking.”

_ Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.  _ The thought battered at Eiji’s brain along with his rising pulse.

“I only wanted you to know that you aren’t in any trouble,” the god continued. “If you don’t want to put your clothes in the wardrobe, I’d be happy to bolt the chest down for you. I’ll do it as soon as we steady.”

Eiji rushed to explain himself. “It isn’t that, my lord! I’m very grateful that you would allow me the use of the wardrobe! But… it’s already full, my lord.”

“Oh.”

Silence fell and stretched. Eiji kept his eyes fixed on his hands where they rested on his thighs. His hands, his fool traitor body that had flinched away from its master’s kind touch. What was wrong with him? Yesterday had been so wonderful and now he was ruining everything.

“I should have removed those things as soon as you arrived,” Lord Felix said, his voice low and rough as he cut into Eiji’s thoughts. “They belonged to Hiroya, the last man to live with me. He died… goodness, it must have been sixty years ago now. I’m ridiculous to have held on to his things for so long.”

The room tilted again. The movement set Eiji’s shoulder throbbing, but he was grateful for the way the pain cut through his confusion. It wasn’t his place to figure out  _ why _ his master sounded close to tears at the thought of a long-dead slave. He just needed to react to the information he was being given.

“My lord seems to have cared for him very much,” he murmured. “No doubt he was a remarkable attendant to warrant such attentions.”

“He was a remarkable friend,” the god said softly. “We used to talk for hours about poetry. He wrote it, too. It was so incredibly lovely. And he would always demand that I write him poems as presents, even though I’m a terrible poet. He never made fun of me for it, though he certainly wasn’t so restrained about other things. He and his lover used to pretend they couldn’t hear me because I was talking so quietly. They’d just sit there and ask, ‘Did you hear something?’ ‘Perhaps. I think it was a fly, or a delicate ocean breeze.’ They thought they were hilarious.”

Lord Felix was definitely crying now, but Eiji could also see the glint of his smile in the dark. For his part, Eiji was still stuck in surprise.

“His… lover, my lord?” he asked cautiously.

“Oh yes. Kazue. She lived with Cloelia.”

This was even more confusing. “…  _ She,  _ my lord?”

“Yes.” Lord Felix nodded. “She was a woman, whatever your priests said, and they were so happy together it made  _ me _ happy just to see them. I was very blessed to be granted those years.”

Eiji had assumed that this sainted Hiroya had been Lord Felix’s lover, but apparently not. Apparently the god had been telling the truth when he said that some of his past attendants had lived with him chastely as friends. Between his pain and his master’s presence, Eiji didn’t have the mental space to parse through the swell of complicated emotions this possibility for his own future stirred up in him.

“But that’s no excuse to make you live among his old things,” the god said briskly. “I’ll get them cleaned out so you can move in. I should have done that right from the beginning- or, if I’m being honest, years ago. I’m so fortunate to have you here to help me realize that. Thank you, Eiji.”

“… I am grateful if my lord finds my service acceptable,” Eiji whispered, bewildered all over again.

The god simply hummed acknowledgement, and Eiji retreated into the safety of his list.

Forty-Two: Lord Felix loved his former attendant.

Forty-Three: Lord Felix did not require sexual services from his attendants.

(Was that a good fact or a bad one? Never mind, he would figure it out later.)

Forty-Four: Lord Felix did not consider himself an able poet.

Forty-Five: Lord Felix enjoyed discussing poetry. Eiji had studied plenty of poets, despite never really enjoying the art form himself, so hopefully he wouldn’t disgrace himself too badly in conversation.

Forty-Six: Lord Felix thought Eiji wouldn’t welcome his lips. How he was going to rectify  _ that  _ mistake, Eiji didn’t have the faintest idea.

Forty-Seven: Lord Felix’s hands anchoring him made Eiji feel safer than anything else had ever done in his life.

No, he would strike out that last one. That wasn’t a fact, that was his fool mind loopy with pain and starved for touch. He was being ridiculous.

Still, when the rocking stopped and his master left to fetch Lord Julia- “Just in case! There’s no sense in being careless.”- Eiji immediately missed him. Even at arms’ length and from a deeply improper position, he had enjoyed being held.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having suggested that y'all might be annoyed by updates and received possibly the kindest mass scolding anyone ever got, I offer another chapter in penance. You are all so incredibly sweet, and I am so lucky in my readership. <3 Thank you!
> 
> Be warned, this one is a little dark since it includes references to Marcus existing.

Chapter 15

Eiji had been afraid that Lord Julia would be angry after being called away in the middle of the night, when most of the gods were busy and socializing with each other. Instead, she seemed drily amused by the whole situation.

“I never thought I’d see the day,” she said as she prodded Eiji’s shoulders with cold, careful fingers. “I’ve been called to repair Felix’s attendant after a ferocious beating. How he must have battered you, poor fellow.”

“I did  _ not.”  _ Lord Felix, standing just barely far enough away to avoid hovering, sounded the farthest thing from amused. “Don’t even joke about that, Julia.”

“It’s a joke because I know you wouldn’t,” the god replied. “How  _ did  _ this happen?”

Eiji faltered through his explanation, blushing at his own foolishness, but Lord Julia’s expression didn’t change. She just hummed her understanding, peered once more at his shoulder, and pulled back.

“It appears to just be some bruising,” she told him. “If you stop being able to move it, you have difficulty moving your elbow or fingers, you develop a lump, or the pain gets worse instead of better after a few days, fetch me right away.”

“Yes, my lord.”

“I’m going to wrap it. Felix, you’re in charge of the wrappings after this time, assuming you remember how?”

Lord Felix nodded. “I do. Thank you, Julia.”

“I’ll give you a sling as well,” she said briskly, not pausing to acknowledge Lord Felix’s gratitude. “I suspect you won’t need it, but it’ll be good to have it if you consistently forget and try to use the arm as usual. You’re right-handed?”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji nodded.

“Good. That’ll make it easier to leave the left arm alone. I’ll leave you some medicine to help with the pain, but I’m giving it to Felix. He is allowed to give you three drops in the morning and three at night, but no more than that, and you need to stop taking it as soon as you can get through your day well enough without it. It can be addictive.”

That was a terrifying thought. Eiji hated the idea of losing control of himself and his behavior so much that even back at the temple, where each offering was permitted a single glass of wine on holidays, he’d never tasted it. He wanted to refuse the medicine entirely, but the throbbing in his shoulder was crowding his brain and driving tears to his eyes, and he couldn’t bring himself to turn down anything that might help.

“We’ll be careful.” Lord Felix’s voice was so level and certain that Eiji’s fears quieted, just a little.

“Otherwise, my instructions are all quite standard,” Lord Julia said. “Keep it elevated, use it sparingly, and keep an eye on the bruise. You’ll have to avoid prostrating yourself for a few days at least, so you might want to wear the sling when you’re out in the hallways even if you don’t need it. Most of us aren’t overly prickly about protocol, but if someone gets their knickers in a twist you can point out that you’re injured and I told you to stay on your feet.”

“Yes, my lord.”

Eiji didn’t care for that instruction. He might not be the best anymore, but at least he’d always been able to take pride in his ability to move gracefully and behave appropriately. Still, the loss of his few skills was no more than he deserved for his stupidity in leaving the damn chest out unsecured.

Lord Julia wrapped the wounded shoulder, gave him three bitter drops of medicine mixed in a cup of water (after rattling off a truly terrifying list of possible side effects to watch out for) and handed Lord Felix several neatly rolled bandages, a sling, and a tiny bottle. Even once she finally left, Eiji kept his gaze on his lap. For once, it wasn’t just manners that kept him from meeting his master’s eyes.

“I’m sorry for her sense of humor,” the god said after a moment. “She shouldn’t have joked about me beating you. I hope you know I would never do that.”

_ Judging by the sling and bandages, I seem to be quite capable of beating myself.  _ Sleep-deprived and still drunk on pain, Eiji couldn’t keep himself from smiling at the thought.

“What is it?” Lord Felix asked anxiously, coming to kneel down in front of Eiji again. His big dark worried eyes coaxed the truth right to Eiji’s lips, as always.

“Forgive me, my lord, I just-” gesturing helplessly to his shoulder “-don’t appear to need anybody’s help in that regard.”

Felix’s laugh sounded more startled than amused, but it shook something loose in Eiji and he laughed, too. As soon as he did, he clapped his hand over his mouth (his right hand, luckily, though that elbow was still sore). Heat rushed to his face. He’d always been embarrassed by his laugh. The priests had taught him a light, melodious chuckle that he used freely, but his real laugh was piercing and wheezing and not at all fit for the ears of a god. He lowered his hand to apologize, but Lord Felix interrupted him.

“You have such a beautiful laugh,” the god whispered, gazing up at Eiji with a smile that he would have called dazed and foolish on the face of a human. “I’d never heard it before. I’ll have to try to be more amusing.”

Now Eiji wanted to cover his whole face instead of just his mouth. “My lord does his unworthy servant too much honor.”

Lord Felix sighed and crawled back a little before standing. Was he worried about crowding Eiji or looming over him at too close a range? Ever since Norio pointed out how careful the god was about his movements, Eiji had been noticing it himself.

“Do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep?” Lord Felix asked. “It’s still a few hours until dawn.”

Could he? Eiji was exhausted, but also totally alert. His mind practically whirred over everything that had happened, everything that was going to happen because of it, and everything he had learned about his master and Hiroya. He knew if he tried to lie down in the dark and fall asleep, his mind would devour itself.

“I don’t believe so, my lord,” he said.

“All right then.” Lord Felix took a deep breath and seemed to gather himself. “I would like you to come out to our sitting room with me.”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji felt a great rush of gratitude as his body relaxed into the safety and certainty of having his orders.

The god seemed much less relaxed, words torrenting out of him as if he couldn’t stop them. “Unless you need some time to yourself, of course! Julia and I have been all over you for the last hour and it would be understandable if you did.”

“Not at all, my lord.” Eiji lowered his gaze and then, wondering if boldness had been one of the side effects of Lord Julia’s medicine, he blurted, “It would be a true pleasure to attend my lord. I would be grateful for my lord’s presence.”

He flushed at his own daring, but Lord Felix beamed down at him so happily that it was hard to feel any regret. Instead, he offered a cautious smile of his own in return.

“Wonderful,” the god said. “Do you need any help getting up?”

Once Eiji was settled in one of the soft chairs, his master sat opposite him.

“Do you think you’ll be able to work this next week?” he asked. “I could speak with Zenji if you need some time off.”

“I’m not sure, my lord.” Eiji worked the shoulder and bit back a curse.

He doubted he’d be able to push his cart for a few days, at least. But even so, the thought of losing his work sent panic clawing up his spine. Rokuro was beginning to trust him with more interesting work, Zenji had praised him to Lord Felix, Norio had incurred punishment by eavesdropping on his behalf… how could he let them all down? And what if after a few days, they no longer welcomed him back? Would he lose all these fragile new bonds?

Eiji wasn’t really sure how these things worked. He’d never had many friends. He and his cadre had all grown up together, of course, playing indiscriminately, but by the time he was five or six he was already focused on beating the effortlessly perfect Akito for top spot in all their classes. That hadn’t left much time for playing or gossiping with the others.

He wondered now whether that had been the right choice. He would never have been so determined to push Akito down to second place if he had known what that would mean for the graceful, vibrant boy. 

He remembered Akito as the smiling flower of the temple, always surrounded by friends and admirers. Eiji had hated him for how easily everything came to him. Eiji would practice a dance step until his feet were blistered and swollen just to keep up with Akito, who would invariably pick it up on his first try. Eiji would study night after night, fretting over the possibility of developing dark circles under his eyes and reducing his standing still further, while Akito had a magical-seeming ability to recall every word of a hymn or history after reading it only once.

Eiji used to glance up from his books to glower at Akito where he lounged and laughed in the sun with his friends, caught between envy and self-loathing as he glimpsed what his life could have been if he had been a natural attendant instead of a fraud. He had lived in fear that at any time, Akito would choose to exert himself just a little bit and effortlessly reclaim the top spot that Eiji had fought and clawed to wrest away from his unresisting fingers.

It had never happened. Akito had been perfectly content with second place. After all, the second-best offering always went to Lord Marcus, and was personal service to one god really all that different from another?

Eiji remembered the way Akito had been at the end. It had been about two years ago now that Lord Marcus had finally killed him, and by then the news had almost come as a relief. Akito had barely come to their exercise sessions anymore, and when he did, he rarely spoke to anybody. He had been pale and bruised all the time, almost too weak for even the gentlest exertions. His eyes had turned hollow and haunted. When Eiji had heard Lord Antony berating Lord Marcus for his carelessness in snapping Akito’s neck during a feeding, he had just been grateful that the other man’s end had been quick.

_ I did that.  _

Eiji had known it the whole time, but for some reason it hit him in a new way as he sat in Lord Felix’s cozy chair under his master’s warm, concerned gaze. If he hadn’t pushed- if he hadn’t had that horrible selfish drive to be the best- then Akito would have gone to Lord Antony and probably fared much better than he had. Akito would have been claimed by Lord Felix at the end of the cycle, and he would have known how to repay the god’s kindness and affections as he deserved. Most importantly, he would still be alive.

Eiji’s vanity had killed a sweet, gentle man who had never done him any harm, and what good had it done? He had crushed Akito underfoot in his quest to be Lord Antony’s chosen, and then he had failed abjectly in that role. Nobody had received the slightest benefit from all his relentless striving- not the gods, not Akito, not even himself.

Eiji had pushed and pushed until the world had been remade, the proper order of things disrupted. If he ever stopped pushing, it would all be over. If he didn’t go back to work after the rest day, all his tender, tenuous new ties would crumble away to nothing because they would see that he was an imposter and a murderer who didn’t deserve any of the good things this week had brought him.

Zenji’s praise, Norio’s consideration, and all of Lord Felix’s gentle touches and sweet words belonged rightfully to Akito, just like the top spot had. And like the top spot, he couldn’t keep hold of them if he didn’t work for them every single day.

“I hope they will let me do… something,” he said, horrified to hear his voice wobble dangerously.

“I’m sure Zenji will find something,” Lord Felix said.

Eiji would have expected him to respond to his tearfulness with soothing tones, but instead he just sounded confident, as if there was no question what Zenji would do. It was far more comforting than excessive tenderness would have been.

“There’s always a hundred things to do in that place,” the god went on. “Even if he just puts you in charge of watching Norio and making sure he behaves, that would be one less task.”

Eiji let out a fragile laugh at that, astonished that he could laugh at all when his heart was still so choked with fear and regret.

Lord Felix grinned. “I  _ knew  _ I could be amusing and win more of your lovely laughs if I put my mind to it.”

His master was so proud he was preening, and it was so ridiculous for a mighty war god to be smug over his ability to make Eiji laugh that Eiji couldn’t help laughing more. Closing his eyes against the onslaught of laughter, he leaned his head back to rest on the soft chair. His shoulder was feeling much better, he reflected hazily. When his laughter died away he couldn’t quite bring himself to open his eyes again, and before he even had time to realize that it was going to happen, he fell asleep.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia used: pain meds! Was it super effective?

Eiji was awakened by a deep, throbbing pain in his shoulder. It took him a moment to realize that he was also sitting up, which sent his mind into a very slow sort of panic. He blinked around the sitting room in shock for what felt like quite a long stretch of time as he tried to collect himself and remember where he was and what had happened.

He was just beginning to get his bearings when there was a flurry of motion and Lord Felix appeared in front of him, his huge body blocking out the rest of the room. Eiji stared up at his face stupidly, his master registering just a little surprise at Eiji’s bleary eye contact.

“Hello,” the god said, staring down intently at him. “How are you feeling? That drug seems to have hit you hard.”

“‘m all right,” Eiji croaked.

His tongue felt heavy and huge in his mouth, crowding his teeth and making it difficult to speak. And his mouth was so  _ dry… _

“What can I get you?” Lord Felix asked. Then, perhaps noticing the rasp in Eiji’s voice, “Could you drink some water?”

Eiji nodded eagerly, and the god was gone before he’d even finished the first head bob. The sight of that supernatural speed was dizzying, so Eiji closed his eyes and tried to order his thoughts. However, it was difficult to do much ordering in the scant seconds before Lord Felix was standing next to his chair and offering him a cup.

Eiji’s hands were numb and clumsy, but he managed the cup all right. The water felt wonderful in his mouth and even better in his parched throat, and he guzzled it all eagerly.

“I’ll get you more!” Lord Felix said, grabbing the cup back and disappearing once more.

It wasn’t until Eiji had finished his third cupful that he remembered that he was supposed to have manners.

“Thank you, my lord,” he said. “You are kinder than your servant deserves.”

The words sounded rote and dead. Fuzzily, Eiji sensed that he ought to have more feelings about the situation, but he couldn’t quite muster them. He just felt tired and happy to have the water.

“Do you think you could eat anything?” the god asked.

Eiji was a little dizzy, but his stomach felt fine. He wasn’t exactly hungry, but maybe food would help him feel a little more normal.

“All right,” he agreed.

Eiji stood to cross to the table and wavered a little on his feet, which had Lord Felix flickering over to his side and putting steadying hands on his waist.

Eiji’s head spun. He leaned into that firm, reassuring grip, and before he even had time to register that he felt nauseated, he threw up all over Lord Felix’s broad chest.

It was mostly water and bile. He kept retching once his stomach was empty, and the crushing pain of those dry heaves was worse than the acid burn when he actually had something to disgorge. Still, his stomach wrung itself over and over as it tried to reject something that wasn’t even there. The convulsions sent white-hot agony needling through his shoulder, and all the different sources of pain overwhelmed him until he couldn’t even form thoughts.

Lord Felix’s voice was soft and calm and right in his ear. “Easy, sweetheart. Let’s get you sitting down again. Can you sit for me? Good. Good work.”

A breeze pushed gently against Eiji’s face, and then chilly fingers were pressing a cup into his hands.

“If you don’t think you can keep the water down yet, just swish it around and spit it back in the cup,” Lord Felix said. “It’ll help with the taste.”

Eiji realized that for the first time the god didn’t sound uncomfortable as he gave him his orders. He obeyed easily and raised the cup to his lips. Once he had his mouthful, he decided that he could swallow the water without too much danger now that he was sitting. It stung a little as it slid down his raw throat, but it cleared the acrid flavor from his mouth.

His master soothed him as he drank. “Good, sweetheart. Wonderful. I’ll be right back.”

Despite those words, Eiji barely had time to open his eyes before the god was crouching in front of him again with a cloth in his hand.

“I’m going to clean your face now, all right?” Lord Felix leaned forward, then hesitated. “Ah, sorry. Let me get this off.”

He stripped off his shirt, the shirt that was spattered with Eiji’s sick, and set it aside before leaning in again to wipe Eiji’s face.

Eiji submitted to his gentle ministrations. His mind was still clouded, but he could register clearly enough that he had  _ thrown up on a god  _ and he didn’t even have it in him to apologize right. Was there an appropriate apology for such a situation? They’d certainly never mentioned in his lessons that this was a possibility for how his life might turn out.

He didn’t realize he was crying until Lord Felix folded the cloth in his hand, turned it to a clean side, and started wiping his cheeks instead of his chin.

“I’m sorry,” Eiji managed at last. “P-Please punish me, my lord. This was inexcusable.”

Lord Felix gestured to his crumpled shirt. “What, that? You know what I do all day, dear. You’ll have to work much harder than that if you want to disgust me. Remember the bedpan? And have you ever cleaned someone up after a bowel movement so explosive that you have to wash their hair? Because I did that last week. This isn’t even worth mentioning.”

“My lord…” 

How would he even finish that appeal? If his master were to punish him right now, the movement would probably just result in Eiji throwing up on him again.

“It’s fine, Eiji,” the god soothed, “I promise. I would never be angry with anyone for something like this, least of all you.”

Eiji didn’t feel any better, but it was clearly no use to argue. He just sat there and loathed himself as his master dabbed away his endless supply of tears.

“Well, I’d say we can safely add ‘nausea’ and ‘depression’ to ‘drowsiness,’” the god said finally, calm and pleasant as if they were just chatting about Eiji’s day. “Do you want to keep using this painkiller, or do you want to try another? Julia has a few. Maybe another would cause you fewer side effects.”

“I don’t want to be any trouble,” Eiji whispered.

The words caused a fresh flow of miserable tears, because how did he think he could be more trouble than he already was? He’d allowed his carelessness to damage the body that didn’t even belong to him, ruined Lord Felix’s rest day, spattered vomit all over the god… At this point, what was left?

“It’s no trouble, sweetheart,” his master said, predictably. “If you’re all right with this medicine, so am I. It would be a privilege to take care of you for a few days. But if you want to try something else, it will be no trouble for me to go find Julia and swap bottles. It’s up to you.”

How Eiji was coming to hate those words! “I beg you, my lord, let your servant know how to please you in this.”

“Eiji.” Lord Felix said his name with unusual firmness, and Eiji let his gaze flick up to see the god’s serious expression. “I am willing to command you in most things, but this is a line I won’t cross. I will not force medication on you. You need to make a decision.”

Eiji’s stomach started weaving itself into complicated knots. His skin felt too tight, and his breath came short and sharp.  _ No, please. Just give me a hint. Anything! _

He was pathetic. A good attendant would know what his master desired.

Lord Felix’s voice turned coaxing. “Just one choice, sweetheart, and then I swear I’ll look after you all day.”

_ Look after you.  _ Lord Felix had said that taking care of him would be a privilege, while he’d only said that getting a new painkiller would be no trouble. That was a clear preference, wasn’t it? Eiji should choose to keep the current medicine and weather the side effects.

He opened his mouth to say as much… then closed it.

He couldn’t bear any more of this. It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to throw up on his master again, though he very much did not. It was the uncontrollable sleep and the slow, soupy nature of his thoughts. It was the tears he couldn’t stop. It was the knowledge that those stupid medicine drops were making him think and feel and do things he wouldn’t otherwise do. It was the loss of control.

“Please may I try something else?” he whispered, and knew himself to be a failure.

The god, however, betrayed no disappointment. Instead, he beamed at Eiji, dropped the towel, and swiped away the fresh flow of tears with his own broad, cold thumbs.

“Thank you, Eiji,” Lord Felix said. “Good job. That was perfect.”

They were kind words, but they felt like lies. At the very least, they were confusing, and Eiji squirmed miserably under them.

Then, quickly, as though the words tasted bad and he wanted them out of his mouth, the god said, “You are so obedient. That was exactly what I asked you to do. Thank you.”

_ Those _ were the words that let Eiji relax. He hadn’t made the wrong choice after all. It had been a giveaway. He’d been obeying as long as he made any decision.

However, relaxing sent another jolt of pain through his shoulder. The whimper escaped his lips before he could even try to suppress it.

Lord Felix gave him a sympathetic wince. “Is it bad? I’ll go find her right now. Just a moment.”

He was out the door before Eiji could even call out to remind him that he still wasn’t wearing a shirt.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I return! Sorry for the long delay, I had to move to a new state. As an apology, have some tooth-rotting fluff!

Chapter 17

So far, the new medicine didn’t cause nausea or muddy Eiji’s thoughts too terribly, so he decided it was best to leave it alone. Unfortunately, leaving things alone was exactly what Lord Felix did not want to do.

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” the god was saying as Eiji stared at him, horrorstruck. “Hayato has others he can call. Julia, Theodora, Iovita, Thaddeus… there are plenty of them who are always willing to pitch in as needed. It’s not the first time someone has stepped away for a few days.”

It was bad enough that, after bringing his medicine, his master had also taken the time to go to the kitchens and fetch a bowl of broth, which now sat steaming in Eiji’s lap. It was worse that he brought word that Zenji was ordering Eiji away for a few days to recover. Worst of all was the prospect of Lord Felix taking a few days off from his own work for no other reason than to coddle his useless offering.

“But my lord, please, your servant is not worthy of such trouble,” Eiji implored.

Lord Felix gave him a look that he would almost have dared to call tender. “Of course you are. Now drink your broth.”

Eiji obeyed, but, for once, he wasn’t happy about it. Oh, well. At least filling his mouth with the broth kept him from arguing with his master any further.

“This will please Hayato,” the god said as if he hadn’t noticed Eiji’s gloom. “He’s always after me to take more breaks, though I hardly know why.”

Lord Felix leaned forward in his chair and tilted his head so that he was looking into Eiji’s downturned face. Eiji hastily lowered his bowl and forced himself to meet his master’s gaze. As soon as he did, the god smiled warmly at him.

“I have nothing but time, dear. Why shouldn’t I spend some of it on you?”

Eiji dithered a moment longer than he should have, trapped in the sweetness of that gaze, before he managed to string together an appropriate response. “My lord is free to do as he wishes, of course. I would never presume to dictate my lord’s actions.”

“I know you wouldn’t,” the god soothed. “Although perhaps I need somebody sensible like you to dictate that I shouldn’t run off half-dressed.”

Eiji hid his smile in the bowl as he swallowed more broth. Lord Felix had been so flustered and chagrined when he returned with the medicine that it had been a struggle not to laugh.

Of course, his urge to giggle had disappeared when the god had set to work cleaning up the traces of Eiji’s sickness. Lord Felix had cheerfully brushed off Eiji’s protests and offers to help, assuring him that he did this all the time and there was no need to be embarrassed.

“How does your stomach feel?” his master asked now, pulling Eiji back to the present moment. “Do you think you’ll be able to keep the broth down?”

“Yes, my lord.” Eiji was grateful to find that his stomach had settled.

The god beamed. “Wonderful! Maybe later we can try something a little more solid.”

Eiji opened his mouth to make some polite reply, but what escaped was a yawn. He quickly stifled it behind his hand, mortified with himself, but Lord Felix was speaking before he could begin an apology.

“The new medicine still makes you drowsy, I see. I don’t think you should sleep in the chair anymore. You’re too likely to lean on your bad shoulder. I could take you to your room if you don’t mind me hovering around in your space. Or, if you’d be more comfortable without me coming in and out of your room, we-”

Eiji’s heart rate spiked at the words, and a panicky thrumming started in his ears. Lord Felix must have caught the look, because he stopped himself.

“Ah. Of course. I promised I wouldn’t force you to make any more decisions today, didn’t I? All right. May I touch you?”

That was such an easy decision, it hardly counted. Eiji was still nodding his assent when the god leaned down and picked him up, right out of the chair.

This wasn’t like the way Lord Felix had picked him up last night, ginger and arm’s-length, though his touch was still careful. Now Eiji’s good shoulder was pressed into the god’s broad chest and one strong arm was tucked under his knees while the other was wrapped gently around his ribs.

Had Eiji ever been carried like this, even when he was a child? Not just held, but cradled? He couldn’t remember it, if he had. 

He wasn’t a small man, but in this moment he felt small in the best possible way, supported and protected and almost… treasured. It was foolish and improper and he wouldn’t have dared to even think the word if he hadn’t been so tired, but there it was. He felt treasured.

He was so lost in the feeling that he noticed neither the tears that had started to trickle slowly down his cheeks, nor the direction in which he was being carried. It was only when he felt an unfamiliar mattress under his back, far firmer than his own, that he realized he was being laid in Lord Felix’s bed.

“Is it soft enough?” the god asked anxiously. “I never could get the hang of soft beds. Are you comfortable?”

Eiji’s head spun and another tear slipped down his cheek. “I… please, my lord, I don’t deserve-”

“That’s not what I wanted to know, sweetheart,” Lord Felix interrupted. “I asked if you’re comfortable.”

“… Yes, my lord.”

“Wonderful! May I go into your room to get your things?”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Thank you. I’ll be right back!”

Back home in the temple, ‘I’ll be right back’ had always meant that the person would return in a few minutes. With Lord Felix, it meant that he would return in a few blinks of Eiji’s eye. Which he did now, his arms full of pillows and blankets.

“I’m sorry my bed isn’t very welcoming,” the god said, setting his armload down on the foot of the bed and plucking out the pillows. “It was a long time before I had a cot of my own, and then it was just a cot, not a bed. I never had an actual bed until we came to live on the ship, and even though I’ve had so long to get used to soft mattresses and pillows I just never have.”

Eiji mulled over the words as his master slid half a dozen pillows around him and under his back. 

Didn’t they use beds in heaven? Surely if there were cots, there were also beds. Why hadn’t Lord Felix had one? If Eiji understood correctly, he hadn’t even had a cot to himself… what did that mean?

It was true that even here, the god’s accommodations were spare. His mattress was covered with only two thin sheets, between which Eiji assumed he slept, and, until Lord Felix had come in with his feathery bounty, the bed had boasted only one rather dispirited-looking pillow. It was so thin and lumpy that it seemed somehow sickly, an impression which was reinforced when Lord Felix pulled it away and it shed two battered feathers.

Eiji watched the feathers drift down to the floor. Lord Felix must have been following his gaze because he gave a slightly embarrassed laugh.

“I know it’s seen better days, but it’s still too good to throw out,” the god said. He sounded a little defensive, though Eiji hadn’t said a word against the pillow. “No sense being wasteful! It’s got a few years left in it.”

Eiji didn’t think the pillow had a few  _ minutes  _ left in it, but he bit back the observation and merely bowed his head submissively.

Lord Felix placed a few of the pillows under Eiji’s shoulder to keep it raised, then moved onto his pile of blankets. He wrapped Eiji up in them with his brow furrowed in concentration, as if it were of vital importance that every loose bit of blanket be tucked under his offering’s legs.

At last, the god straightened and smiled in satisfaction. “There!”

Eiji felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon. He was wrapped so tightly that his legs looked like one long tube. But the constraint was strangely nice. Bound in his wrappings, Eiji felt as if, in a way, he was still being held.

“How do you feel?” the god asked, and Eiji smiled up into his face before he could think better of the bold move.

“It feels nice, my lord,” he said, and Lord Felix grinned so wide that it looked like his face might break.

“I’m going to get you some more food,” the god said. “After that, would you mind if I brought my book in here with you?”

Eiji blinked in surprise. “My lord, this is your room.”

_ And your offering.  _ Why did his master persist in his strange requests for Eiji’s permission? 

Eiji was still puzzling through this when the god returned with not just a bowl, but an entire tray. It was piled high with two pots, some bowls and cups, and a loaf of bread.

“Do you feel like eating some soup?” Lord Felix asked. “These medicines can take some time to work their way out of your system, so it’s probably best to keep to lighter foods for today.”

Eiji wished he could do something to drive the guilt from his master’s voice. The god didn’t need to explain anything to him. If Lord Felix wanted him to eat soup, he would eat soup. If Lord Felix wanted him to eat nothing, he would eat nothing, and he would question it no more than he questioned this.

“I would like some soup very much,” he assured the god. “Thank you for getting it. My lord is kinder than his servant deserves.”

“I disagree.” Lord Felix looked up from the tray and gazed into his face. “You deserve every kindness and every good thing, Eiji.”

Blood rushed to Eiji’s face. He squirmed a little and dropped his eyes to his blanket-wrapped lap, not daring to raise them until the god handed him the tray. The pots had been cleared away, and now it held the bread and a bowl of soup, both of which were so warm they steamed. The wonderful smells rising from the food made Eiji’s mouth water, and it took only the slightest gesture of permission from his master for him to begin eating with gusto.

It was hard to pace himself, but Eiji kept hold of his manners and didn’t gobble the food like he wanted to do. Still, he didn’t look up from his tray until he heard the clink of pottery.

Lord Felix had set one of the pots on his bedside table. Eiji watched as the god opened a drawer under the same table and drew out a battered leather pouch. He carefully shook some of the contents into his palm… was that dirt? Eiji squinted to get a better look. As Lord Felix took the lid off the pot, allowing a surprising amount of steam to escape, and dropped his strange substance into it, Eiji saw that it wasn’t dirt after all, but some kind of dried plant. Some sort of tea, then?

Lord Felix hastily replaced the pot’s lid and turned to look at Eiji.

“Tea,” he confirmed, apparently noticing his offering’s inquisitiveness. “A favorite blend of mine. It will be unfamiliar to you, but I hope you like it. I’ve been told it’s wonderful for an unsettled stomach.”

He’d been told. Of course, the god couldn’t drink tea himself. So why would he keep a pouch of it next to his bed? Eiji swallowed the insolent question along with another bite of soup, but once again Lord Felix seemed to be able to read his offering’s mind.

He smiled at Eiji. “I can still smell it, even if I can’t taste it. And I like to be able to offer tea to my human friends when they visit me. Rokuro and Zenji both love this blend, you know.”

Eiji did not know. Moreover, the thought of the kitchens and the men who would work there for the next few days without him made his stomach clench and his throat tighten, so he shoveled in another bite of soup and tried to drive the feeling from his body.

Lord Felix chatted easily as Eiji finished his meal, talking about the strange plants from which this tea was made and the stranger country where they could be found. Finally, the leaves had been steeped to the god’s satisfaction. He removed Eiji’s empty dishes and handed him a steaming cup of tea.

The cup was pleasingly smooth and hard between Eiji’s palms, and he simply held it for a moment and breathed in the rich scent. It was sweet and a little sharp. Eiji liked the smell, and he didn’t seem to be alone in that. Lord Felix hovered next to the bed and inhaled deeply as well, his eyes closed in what appeared to be rapture.

Eiji liked to see that expression on his master’s face. In his simple happiness, Lord Felix looked young and almost… innocent. The lines of concentration that usually furrowed his brow were smoothed away, and his lips tilted up in a smile that didn’t seem calculated to ingratiate or reassure. Had Eiji ever seen the god smile for no one’s benefit but his own before?

Eiji had noticed that Lord Felix was handsome the first moment he laid eyes on him, but he’d forgotten that as soon as he’d realized what he was. For the gods, beauty was beside the point. Appearances only mattered for the likes of Eiji, who needed to be pleasing and had so little else to offer. Beauty was simply one more thing he owed his master, and he would certainly never have dared to assess Lord Felix the way he assessed himself in the mirror. But surely it wasn’t disrespectful if he didn’t assess, only admired?

Disrespectful or not, he couldn’t help it. Lord Felix was startlingly beautiful in his unselfconscious enjoyment, and Eiji took advantage of his closed eyes to drink in every one of the god’s features in a way he wouldn’t ordinarily dare to do.

His enormous hands, beautiful because Eiji knew how gently they touched and held. His broad shoulders, for once relaxed and unhunched. His surprisingly long, thick lashes resting so softly on his cheek. His generous lips, which had pressed so tenderly against Eiji’s own.

The arousal that swept Eiji’s body was different from anything he had ever experienced before. From the first day, he had imagined how it would feel to serve Lord Felix sexually. He had imagined clinging to powerful shoulders and submitting himself to the overwhelming might that his master held so carefully in check.

Now, for the first time, he imagined lying in the god’s arms afterwards and seeing him smile like this. He imagined some bolder version of himself who would dare to press kisses to that suddenly bewitching bit of softness at the corner of Lord Felix’s jaw and play with the god’s always-neat hair. He imagined the dazzled look Lord Felix got when Eiji smiled at him and wondered how it would look close-up if he was pressed against his master’s chest.

The desire that these images evoked was strange. It sent a pang through him, tenderness so deep it was painful. It made his throat squeeze and his eyes burn, and Eiji tore his gaze away from Lord Felix’s face and tried to force his confusion down along with a first experimental swallow of the tea.

The faint sound of his sipping must have pulled Lord Felix out of whatever reverie he’d been in, because he was speaking almost as soon as Eiji swallowed.

“Well? What do you think?”

Though excited, his voice was as soft and controlled as usual. Eiji realized that he’d expected (and perhaps hoped?) to hear his natural loud tones after seeing him so relaxed.

Eiji kept his gaze shyly fixed on the cup in his hands. “It’s good, my lord.”

In truth, he was so shaken by all the strange thoughts and feelings rioting through him that he had barely tasted the tea.

Eiji drank again and found that the tea was indeed good. He was about to take a third sip when the mattress shifted next to him.

Lord Felix had perched himself on the other side of the bed with a thick book in his hands. He watched Eiji’s face closely as he shifted his legs onto the mattress.

“There’s nowhere else to sit in here,” the god said. “Do you mind?”

Eiji stumbled over his words, though he’d recited these exact ones so many times that his master must be getting sick of hearing them. “M-My lord may do as he wishes, of course.”

“All right.” Lord Felix settled into the bed, leaving several inches of space between them. “But I’ll warn you that you may come to regret that kind offer. What I wish is to fuss over you in the most ridiculous way. You’ll be sick of me and begging to go back to the kitchens within a day.”

“I won’t.” The words tore out of Eiji’s mouth without his conscious permission, and he didn’t know whether it was due to the lingering drugs or the strange madness that the god’s face and voice had awakened in him. “You… my lord’s presence is very comforting, and I’m grateful that you would waste your time with me like this!”

Eiji clamped his teeth shut to stop any more surprise statements from popping out of his traitorous mouth. His face burned in embarrassment. After only an instant’s hesitation, Lord Felix shifted closer to him, until only a sliver of mattress separated them.

Eiji was expecting the soft “May I touch you?” but he could not have anticipated how good the gentle fingers would feel as they tilted his chin up from where he’d tucked it against his chest.

“Oh, my sweet Eiji.” The words were kind and the tone was kinder, but neither could compare to the tenderness Eiji found in the soft brown eyes fixed so wholeheartedly on his own. “I’ve lived a long life and I’ve wasted heartbreaking amounts of time. Being with you is the opposite of that. Every moment I’ve spent with you has been a privilege and a joy. You’re wonderful, and I’m lucky to be sitting here beside you.”

Eiji was too tired and achy and confused to argue. He didn’t even have the energy to resist or overthink the words in his own mind. His tears were silent, and, when Lord Felix gently drew Eiji’s head down to rest against his shoulder, all he could feel was safety and gratitude and a strange relief.

He slipped into sleep that way, and it was the deepest, sweetest sleep he could remember.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does everybody love? Game nights! And music! What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter 18

Lord Felix was going to send him away. Eiji was sure of it.

Oh, the god was as attentive as ever. He’d spent the whole prior evening, that night, and most of this day fetching and carrying things for Eiji and adjusting his bedding. Eiji had only prevented his master from helping him to the chamber pot by pointing out as humbly as he could that he’d injured his shoulder, not his legs. When he wasn’t fussing or bustling, Lord Felix nestled next to Eiji on the bed with his book and they sat quietly.

But now, the god was uncomfortable. He kept opening his mouth to speak, then closing it again, and he darted nervous looks in Eiji’s direction. Clearly, he had something to say that Eiji wouldn’t like hearing, and the most obvious possibility was that he was tired of trying to make his useless offering into whatever it was he wanted him to be.

Eiji wanted to scream and cry and throw himself at his master’s feet and plead for another chance, but instead he found himself frozen, waiting for Lord Felix to speak.

“Eiji,” the god said at last, hesitantly, “there’s something I want to ask you, but I need you to promise me that if you don’t want to do it, you’ll tell me.”

Eiji’s head pounded, and when he managed to push his voice out through his trembling lips it sounded like it was coming from a hundred leagues away. “Yes, my lord.”

“Good.” Another endless hesitation, then, “I usually have some friends over on the second evening of the week. We play games, mostly, but there’s also a lot of talk and I know you’re not feeling well, so if you don’t feel like dealing with all that activity I can just cancel. It wouldn’t be any trouble.”

_ Oh gods.  _ Eiji went limp with relief. Not only was this far preferable to being banished, it even offered him a chance to redeem himself for his two days of uselessness. He could wait on the gods and perhaps, if he was lucky, he’d be called upon for entertainment. His shoulder would make dancing impossible, or at least unimpressive, but he could still sing and recite. This was a wonderful opportunity.

“I would love that, my lord,” he told his master. “Please don’t cancel your plans.”

Lord Felix beamed, no doubt hearing the sincerity in his voice. “All right. Thank you, sweetheart.”

Eiji bent his head and smiled as the god fetched him another cup of tea. The coddling was easier to bear when he knew that this evening, he would finally be allowed to serve as he’d been trained.

He planned for the rest of the afternoon. Perhaps one of the gods would simply require a particular song or poem and he would have to hope that his memory would serve. However, it seemed likely that Lord Felix would allow him to entertain them as he pleased, so he should have his own selections ready.

He settled on some of Masaya’s most popular love poems and a hymn to Lord Felix that had always sounded good in his register. He went over them in his mind to make sure he recalled all the words as his master scattered cushions over the floor and retrieved strange boards and cards from his wardrobe.

“Is there any way your servant could be of assistance, my lord?” Eiji asked.

Lord Felix looked up at him with a little smile, which brightened when he saw that Eiji was looking back. Somehow, over the long, lazy hours of his recovery, he’d stopped feeling the need to avoid his master’s gaze. Lord Felix’s obvious pleasure in this development made him feel a little shy, but not in an unpleasant way.

“There’s not much to do in the first place, dear. I-” The god was interrupted by a knock at the door. “Ah! Would you mind answering that?”

Eiji tried to steel himself as he headed for the door. He hadn’t dared to ask whether Lord Antony would be attending, but he needed to accept that it was a possibility. He took in a deep breath, then let it out as he opened the door, knees already bending to make what semblance of a bow his shoulder would permit.

“Eiji!” The cheerful cry was accompanied by a slender little body barreling into his chest.

_ Norio? _

Zenji’s calm, “Stop that, Norio,” mingled with an anxious cry of “Careful! You’ll hurt him!” from Rokuro.

Eiji’s head spun. What were they doing here? Had they come to provide blood for the gods? Or…?

“Norio and Rokuro! You’re finally joining us?” Lord Felix called cheerfully from the sitting room. “I thought I’d never convince you!”

“You didn’t,” Zenji replied. “They wanted to come visit Eiji. Come on, everyone, out of the doorway.”

Eiji stepped back automatically, mind still rushing to catch up with the situation. His confusion was interrupted by Lord Felix’s laugh.

“I knew you’d all end up liking Eiji better than you like me, but I didn’t think it would happen that fast! Thank you for luring them here, dear.”

Eiji wasn’t sure how to respond to that. His instinct was to apologize, but Norio was already talking.

“Did I jostle you?” he demanded. “I’m so sorry! I just got excited.”

“N-No,” Eiji managed. “I’m fine.”

“Good.” Rokuro gave his good shoulder a cautious pat. “We were all sorry to hear about your injury. We’ve missed you.”

Eiji started to apologize, but Lord Felix said, “He would have been back at work today if it weren’t for my begging and Zenji’s orders.”

“That’s no surprise.” Norio socked Rokuro lightly on his arm. “Spend enough time with Eiji and you’ll see. He’s tough as sharkskin.”

The words caught Eiji off guard. Was Norio mocking him? But no, the other man’s smile was totally sincere as the three kitchen workers trailed into the sitting room to sprawl on the cushions with Lord Felix.

Eiji didn’t feel tough. He felt so fragile all the time, like he was always just a word or a movement or, worse yet, a thought from his own head away from fracturing into hundreds of pieces. He felt desperately, abjectly submissive towards Lord Felix. He felt weak, needy, useless. He felt soft and exposed in a thousand ways.

But Lord Felix was nodding. “I agree. Eiji is amazingly tough.”

“Eiji’s standing right there,” Zenji observed.

The god smiled. “Of course. Forgive me, Eiji, I didn’t mean to be rude.”

Eiji was saved from coming up with a response to  _ that  _ by another knock at the door.

In all, they ended up cramming nine guests into the little sitting room. Only one other person came from the kitchens- Yudai, a quiet man who immediately offered Eiji sympathy for his injury despite the fact that they’d never exchanged even a single word before. The rest came from the laundry and Lord Cloelia’s fishing operation, except for a man named Bunta who said he belonged to Lord Theodora and greeted Zenji with a kiss.

Eiji stayed standing. He knew he was staring, but his head was spinning too dizzily for him to muster the strength to stop. When Lord Felix had said he hosted his friends every week, he’d meant…  _ humans? _

There could be no other explanation. The men had all filed in with the ease of long practice. They’d greeted Lord Felix with quick shallow bows, if they’d bothered bowing at all, which most did not. Lord Felix had distributed steaming cups of tea. And now everyone was chatting the way Eiji’s cadre had done in the gardens after their lessons. It felt unreal.

“I don’t think anyone else is coming,” Lord Felix said at last. “For those who don’t know, this is Rokuro, this is Norio, and this is Eiji.”

“Which one’s the new attendant?” That was a burly man who Eiji thought worked in the fishery, though he couldn’t remember his name.

Lord Felix beamed. “Eiji was kind enough to accept my offer. Sweetheart, why don’t you sit with us?”

Eiji obeyed numbly, kneeling between Rokuro and Yudai. Grins sprouted all around the little circle, and the burly man gave a whoop.

“Congratulations, Eiji!” he rumbled. “You’re a lucky bastard.”

Flustered by the man’s crude speech, Eiji nevertheless lowered his head in acknowledgement. “Yes, I am.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” Lord Felix put in.

“You won’t be once we start playing!” The man cracked his knuckles like he was in some kind of  _ tavern…  _ or what Eiji imagined a tavern would be, anyhow. “I feel hot tonight! What are we playing?”

“We could play Reef Shark,” Yudai offered quietly, and several men groaned, including Lord Felix.

“Hell no!” Bunta said, nestling even tighter against Zenji’s shoulder. “You cheat!”

“Every time,” Lord Felix agreed.

Yudai crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back into his cushion, smiling. “You can’t prove it.”

How were they all so relaxed in the presence of a god? They were using coarse language, sprawling on their asses with no attention to proper form and positions, and bantering as if he were just another human. They were being unspeakably rude.

And Lord Felix seemed to love it.

He was laughing and chattering along with them, more relaxed than Eiji had ever seen him. When Zenji swatted playfully at him, he practically glowed. The sight of his pleasure sent a pang through Eiji’s chest.

_ Is this what he wants from me? _

Did his master hope that Eiji would throw away a lifetime’s training to chatter and lounge like this? Did he want him to tease with this kind of reckless abandon? Did he expect Eiji to treat him like a human friend?

If that was what Lord Felix wanted, Eiji was doomed to fail. He couldn’t even relax like this among his human… not even friends, he didn’t have friends, he had acquaintances at best. How could he ever behave this way to a god, any god, let alone his own master? Impossible.

The thought was appalling. He might have consistently fallen short of being the ideal offering, but he’d at least been in sight of his goal. This breezy, unafraid demeanor was so far out of his reach it was laughable.

To think, he’d felt so bold and proud because he’d finally managed to meet his master’s gaze without permission…

“Eiji?” Rokuro’s soft voice broke through his haze of despair. “Are you all right?”

Most of the others were still arguing about what game to play, but Zenji, Rokuro, and Lord Felix were all looking worriedly at him. The blood rushed to Eiji’s face and he barely kept himself from ducking into his full bow.

“Of course,” he told Rokuro with the best smile he could squeeze up. “Forgive me. The medicine drops make me a little drowsy.”

He kept up his smile as the group settled on a game to start with. Luckily, it was one he knew, Kings and Camels. Bunta dealt the cards and Eiji gazed down at his hand, only half seeing it.

“Bunta, why?” Zenji moaned theatrically as he glowered at his own cards. “I thought you loved me!”

This prompted a general outcry as everybody moaned about his supposedly terrible cards. Eiji gawked around in mounting confusion. Surely not  _ everybody _ could have such a bad hand?

“We should declare a misdeal,” Lord Felix said.

Eiji was obediently folding his cards to give them back when Bunta replied, “Oh, stop whining, Felix.”

He said it so matter-of-factly that it took Eiji a moment to process what he’d just heard, but, when he did, he froze. Rokuro and Norio stiffened as well, all three of them waiting helplessly for the explosion.

When Lord Felix spoke, however, his voice was gentle. “I should have told you three. Our game nights are sacred. Everyone’s free to disregard all the formalities here. I’m sorry if you were startled.”

“Zenji mentioned as much,” Norio said after a moment. “Hearing it in person is different, though.”

Lord Felix looked right at Eiji. “Zenji was more considerate than I was. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I should have warned you.”

Oh, gods. Did Lord Felix expect him to do that, too? With a sickening twist of his gut, Eiji remembered what his master had said after kissing him:  _ If I’d been fantasizing, you would have said my name.  _

He’d never manage it. Never in a hundred years. He was mortified to feel tears threatening and blinked them back fiercely.  _ Not in front of all these people! _

“My lord owes his servant no apologies.” The words might have been correct, but they felt out of place in this casual gathering, and Eiji flushed anew.

“All right, I’m going first,” Zenji said loudly.

Eiji could have wept in gratitude for the change of subject.

The game was simple enough that conversation was able to flow freely as they played. The others were obviously going out of their way to include the three newcomers in the conversation. In particular, they peppered Eiji and Norio, who were the youngest men present, with questions about what the temple had been like when they left it.

Which priests had retired or died? Which had been promoted? Had there been changes in the curriculum? Had they been taught any trendy new dances or given any cutting-edge poetry to memorize? On and on it went.

“I don’t know why you’re all so nostalgic all of a sudden,” Bunta groused after this had been going on for several turns. “If I never think of that place again, it’ll be too soon.”

“It wasn’t all bad,” the burly man from before, Hanzo, said wistfully. “Those gardens! And the food was better than what we get here.”

“Hey!” Rokuro sounded genuinely stung.

“I liked all the reading,” another man put in. “I still have time, and goodness knows Felix won’t stop pestering me with recommendations, but somehow I just don’t get around to it without someone forcing me.”

Yudai sighed. “I miss listening to the singing. I never liked singing myself all that much, but there were a few boys in my cadre who sang like birds. I loved listening to them practice.”

“Eiji was the best in our cadre!” Norio boasted. “We all used to crowd around to hear him.”

“I was  _ not,”  _ Eiji argued.

True, he’d been the best baritone. But the finest singing voice had of course belonged to Akito. His soaring tenor had been unmatchable.

“Oh, don’t be so modest,” Hanzo coaxed. “Sing something for us! Just one song so Yudai will stop pining for the old days.”

Yudai rolled his eyes and drew a card. “I’m not pining. I would love to hear it, though.”

“Come on, Eiji!” Norio urged. “Show them!”

Eiji darted a look at Lord Felix. The god didn’t press him like the others, but he peered at Eiji with avid interest. Since Eiji was reduced to guessing at his master’s will, he guessed that Lord Felix wanted to hear him sing as well.

Well, he  _ did _ have that hymn prepared. Now that it came down to it, he felt a little shy about singing a psalm to Lord Felix with Lord Felix right there in the room, but perhaps it would be a good thing. Maybe this was a way he could please his master, even if he couldn’t relax like the others. At least it would show the god that Eiji wanted to do something for him.

“All right.” His face was already heating as he gave an experimental hum. “It won’t be very impressive, though.”

“We’ll be the judges of that!” Bunta said warmly.

There was only one judge present who Eiji cared about. He stole another glance at his master, then fixed his gaze on his cards so he wouldn’t have to look anyone in the eyes as he sang.

_ “I sing to honor the battle-lord Felix, fearful in his wrath and inexorable in his vengeance. _

_ I sing to honor the war god Felix, maker of orphans and scourge of the barbarian. _

_ His enemies have no recourse- _

_ Though they fight, his might overpowers them _

_ Though they hide, his eye perceives them _

_ Though they flee, his hand stretches out to seize them _

_ Though they plead, his heart is not stirred by mercy for them. _

_ In the days of King Hifumi he stood alone before the barbarian horde- _

_ A hundred heads he cleaved from strong shoulders _

_ A hundred swords he tore from mighty hands _

_ A hundred hearts he drained of all their ruddy tribute _

_ A hundred souls he cast down to the underworld. _

_ His blade drinks deep but is not sated _

_ No slaughter can appease-” _

“Eiji, that’s enough.”

Zenji’s voice was calm, but sharp enough to stop Eiji mid-verse. He looked up from his cards, startled.

He was surrounded by a circle of stricken faces. Instead of looking at him, though, most were turned towards Lord Felix.

Eiji turned that way as well, his stomach knotting into a tight ball. The sight that met him was worse even than he had expected.

The god was looking at him as if Eiji had slapped him across the face. His eyes were wide, wounded, haunted… and worst of all, shimmering with tears.

Eiji froze. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong, but clearly he had erred in an appalling way. What should he do? If the others weren’t there, he would just press down into his bow, Lord Julia’s instructions be damned, and supplicate at his master’s feet. He could still plead forgiveness for displeasing the god, but that seemed likely to ruin the casual atmosphere of the gathering- as if it weren’t already obviously ruined. So what-

Worse even than the sight of Lord Felix’s stricken tears was the sight of him blinking them back and giving everyone a forced smile.

“I’m fine,” he assured the group, and Eiji had told that lie himself often enough to recognize its falsehood. “Norio was right, Eiji. You have a lovely voice. Please excuse me a moment, we need some more hot water for the tea. I’ll be right back.”

With that, Lord Felix snatched up the half-full pot and strode out of the room. His steps were controlled, he didn’t rush, and he closed the door softly behind himself.

Still, Eiji couldn’t shake the feeling that the god was running away.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt guilty leaving everybody so sad, so here is the rest of the less-than-ideal game night! My beta Madrastic is a god for editing so much over the weekend. Give them love!

Chapter 19

There was a long, terrible moment of silence after the door shut softly behind Lord Felix. Eiji sat petrified. What was a person supposed to do if he made a god cry? The lists were shattering to pieces in his mind, but through his daze, he felt safe in adding Fifty-Seven: Lord Felix did not like that song.

“What the fuck, boy?” That came from Hanzo, the big fisherman, who was glowering at him. “That was cruel! Why would you do that?”

Eiji hung his head even lower to escape the look. “I’m s-sorry-”

“It was partly my fault,” Norio interrupted. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to sing. But why in the world did you pick  _ that  _ song?”

“It’s the only hymn to Lord Felix in my register.” It sounded like such a stupid reason now.

“What were you trying to do, crush him?” demanded another man whose name Eiji hadn’t caught yet. “Congratulations, it worked. Does he really strike you as someone who wants to be called merciless and all that?”

“All right, leave him alone.” Zenji’s casual authority left no room for argument, and Eiji was pitifully grateful for his defense despite knowing how little he deserved it. “What, not one of you has ever put his foot in his mouth? Amazing. I’m in a room full of paragons.”

Hanzo’s scowl deepened. “But-”

“He wasn’t trying to be unkind and you know it,” Zenji interrupted. “Anyhow, Felix would only feel worse if he came back and you were all picking on Eiji.”

Eiji wished his shoulder weren’t bandaged so he could wrap his arms around himself. He wished he had somewhere to run to. He wished he could sink right through the floor. He wished- 

Rokuro’s big, warm hand settled on Eiji’s knee, interrupting his thoughts.

“It’s going to be okay,” the baker soothed. “Lord Felix knows what the songs say. He’ll be fine.”

_ I made a mistake. I was displeasing. I made my master cry. I’m not fit to serve, not fit for anything. _

“We’re all going to go.” Once again, Zenji spoke with a tone Eiji had only heard from the priests back home or Lord Antony- as if it were unthinkable that he would not be obeyed. “Everyone, clear out. I’ll have a word with Eiji and then I’ll follow you.”

The jocular players of a quarter hour ago were subdued as they filed out of the room, several of them offering parting glares. Eiji’s guilt battered at him.  _ I ruined the evening. _

Yudai hesitated at the door. “Eiji… I know this sounds strange to say, but go easy on Felix, all right? He’s doing his best. Be gentle with him.”

It did sound strange, far too strange to try to process when his mind was already a buzzing hive of panic, so Eiji just nodded as the other man left.

Bunta was the last to go, murmuring something to Zenji that Eiji didn’t quite hear, and then the two of them were alone. Eiji couldn’t bring himself to meet the older man’s eyes, but that stopped mattering once Zenji dropped down next to him.

“It really is going to be all right, you know,” Zenji said after a quiet moment. “Felix will be fine, and so will you. He’s not going to be angry with you.”

“He should be.” Now that the god was gone, Eiji shifted from his knees to sit on his ass and draw his legs up tight against his chest so he could hide his face in them. “I was displeasing.”

“You didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, and he knows that. He’d forgive you much worse offenses than this.”

_ “Why?”  _ Now that Eiji’s face was pressed into his hard kneecaps, he let a few hot tears escape. “I’m not what he wants.”

Zenji chuffed. “That’s obviously not true. He thinks you’re wonderful. He can hardly shut up about you. I swear, all I hear from him lately is Eiji, Eiji, Eiji. ‘Eiji said he’d teach me how to make bread.’ ‘Eiji let me sit on the bed with him.’ Every damn day. If I didn’t like you so much myself, I’d be sick of hearing your name by now.”

Fresh from one of the biggest mistakes of his life, Eiji should not have felt comforted when another mere human like himself said that he liked him. Still… he couldn’t help leaning in Zenji’s direction, just a hair, as he tried to explain himself further.

“Lord Felix loves talking with you casually like that,” Eiji said through the traitorous wobbling of his voice. “He was really enjoying himself tonight, with all of you acting like his friends.”

“We  _ are _ his friends.”

“I know.” After watching the banter and Lord Felix’s pleasure in it, Eiji couldn’t deny the fact, strange as it seemed. “It made him so happy. I’ve never been able to make him that happy.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Zenji replied firmly. “He’s consistently thrilled about you. The fact that you exist sends him into regular histrionics of joy.”

“But… I can’t be his friend like you are. I can’t give him that.”

Zenji snorted. “I don’t think he wants to be  _ friends  _ with you, Eiji. You don’t need to talk yourself into falling in love with him, but you have to know he’s at least half in love with you.”

Eiji’s cheeks heated at the memory of the kiss. He was just glad that his knees concealed his blush from the older man.

Fifty-Eight: Lord Felix liked games.

Fifty-Nine: Lord Felix considered the humans his friends.

Sixty: Lord Felix liked to be treated like one of them, even if that meant rudeness or contradicting him.

“Why would he honor me with his attentions if I can’t manage to be what he wants?” he whispered. “I can never get it right. I’m never what they want.”

There was a long moment of silence. Eiji shed a few more quiet tears and wondered whether Zenji had heard him. Perhaps he’d spoken too quietly. Perhaps the formidable man was tired of trying to console him. Perhaps-

“Eiji,” Zenji said at last, “I used to belong to Lord Antony, too.”

Eiji jerked his face up, heedless of the tear tracks and red-rimmed eyes this would reveal. The older man looked perfectly serious and very solemn. It was entirely too easy to trust that he wasn’t making some kind of joke at Eiji’s expense.

“Several cycles ago,” Zenji went on, patting his generous belly. “I may be old and bald now, but at the time I was the temple’s choice. I lived with him for six years, and in all that time I don’t think he even learned my name.”

It seemed impossible. Zenji was so… powerful. He commanded attention and respect as naturally as any god. How could he be overlooked in the same way as Eiji?

Zenji was still speaking. “Bunta met his new boy, and he says that he’s cheerful and loud and a little foolish, and I doubt he’ll fare any better than we did. It has nothing to do with anything we did or were. Lord Antony was always going to treat you that way. There’s nothing you could have done to change it. You never failed, Eiji.”

Eiji opened his mouth to say something- he wasn’t quite sure what- and was mortified when what emerged was a sob. He moved to clap his hands over his mouth, then flinched when the motion tugged at his shoulder.

This couldn’t be true. It felt too much like a reprieve. Surely after all these years of guilt and misery, it wasn’t permissible for someone to just say that it wasn’t his fault. Hope and anger and misery tangled in Eiji’s gut until he couldn’t begin to decipher what he was feeling. He just dropped his face back down on his knees to hide his confused tears from Zenji.

The older man put a hand on his head and patted it awkwardly. He didn’t seem much used to offering comfort, but Eiji was pathetically grateful for the clumsy gesture anyway.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Zenji said. “And that’s why Felix adores you whether you sit or kneel. I’ve known him for twenty years and I’ve never seen him enjoy anything as much as he enjoys getting to know every bit of yourself you’ve been willing to share with him. He doesn’t want you to turn into Hanzo- if that were what he wanted, he’d just invite Hanzo to live with him. Sure, he’d probably like it if you stopped being so afraid of him, but he knows that’ll come with time. He’ll be patient with you, so try to be patient with yourself, all right?”

“I’m not patient.” The words, the first Eiji had spoken for several minutes, came out as a tearful croak.

Zenji shook with laughter. “I knew  _ that _ as soon as I met you!”

They sat quietly for another moment. Eiji’s head was still spinning. He didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling. Too much had happened for him to begin to make sense of it. But he did feel a little bit better.

Or at least, he did until Zenji called out, “All right, Felix, you can stop listening at the door and come back in. It doesn’t take that long to get water.”

Eiji’s head jolted up as the door opened and his master came in, shamefaced. Before Eiji had time to adjust his stance, Lord Felix had already flown across the room and knelt in front of him, grasping his hands.

_ He didn’t ask first,  _ Eiji thought dazedly as the god opened his mouth and started vomiting words.

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. But Eiji, I need you to know that I just wanted to introduce you to my friends. I never meant to make you feel inadequate. You’re just fine exactly as you are and I don’t want you to change a single thing about yourself to suit me. I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.”

“Easy, Felix,” Zenji rumbled. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve kept Bunta waiting in the hall long enough. Take care of yourself, Eiji. I’ll see you as soon as Lord Julia says you’re safe to work.”

Eiji nodded dumbly as Lord Felix said, “Thank you, Zenji. I owe you… I don’t even know what.”

“I’ll add it to your tab,” the older man said. “Good night.”

Eiji and Lord Felix stared at each other for a long moment. The god’s face showed only the faintest signs of tears and he looked at Eiji with so much focus and concern that the tight knot in Eiji’s belly loosened, just a little.

“P-please forgive me for offending you, my lord,” he whispered at last. “Your servant meant only to please you.”

“I know,” the god replied, squeezing his hands. Eiji had never known before this moment how comforting roughness and calluses could feel against his own smooth skin. “It was sweet of you to think of choosing a song about me. I’m sorry I reacted like that.”

“My lord owes me no apologies,” Eiji demurred uneasily. “Please punish me as you see fit.”

“I will never punish you for reminding me of my sins.” Lord Felix’s voice turned firm and his eyes hardened in a way Eiji had never seen before. “I did everything that song says I did, and I deserve to be reminded of that until the end of time. If I didn’t want to feel guilty about it, I shouldn’t have done it.”

The harsh tone of his voice should have scared Eiji, but he was too tired for fear. Instead, he felt sad. Tears rose in his eyes again, and he wished he were brave enough to contradict the god and offer some comfort.

He wasn’t. But he was brave enough to stoop forward and press a tentative kiss to the knuckles of the hand that still cradled his own so carefully.

When he looked up again, dazed with his own daring, he found Lord Felix staring at him slack-jawed. The god’s eyes seemed to be in danger of popping right out of his face and rolling over the slats of the floor. He moved his lips, but no sound emerged.

_ “Eiji,”  _ Lord Felix said at last, and his voice was half sigh and half- blasphemous as the thought might have been- prayer.

“My lord?”

His face didn’t dim when Eiji used his title rather than his name, and Eiji took comfort in that. Maybe Zenji was right. Maybe there was time.

“Yes?” the god prompted after a moment.

“May I please pay Lord Julia a visit tomorrow?” Eiji asked. “I want to get back to work soon.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *deep breath*
> 
> EIJI YOU FOOL THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT YOU DISPLEASED HIM, THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU CRUSHED HIS LIL SOUL
> 
> I just needed to get that out of my system, sorry. 😂


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I'm so sorry for the delay on this chapter... a month?! What?! Wild. My only excuse is that my job has been really hectic due to COVID spikes and, ya know, involving children. :P I love them, but they're chaos demons. 
> 
> Eiji finally meets the new blood!

On Eiji’s first day back in the kitchens, he had a goal in mind. As soon as it was time to deliver dinner, he tracked Zenji down to ask his permission for this deviation from the routine.

Zenji looked at him with his hands on his hips and one eyebrow raised. “You want to deliver to Lord Antony’s room again?”

“Yes.”

Zenji nodded a few times, ran his hand over his bald head, then finally demanded, “Why?”

“I want to meet the new offering.”

Eiji had been thinking about it ever since his talk with Zenji after the disastrous party. He couldn’t stop picturing the poor young man- first of his cadre, full of daydreams and expectations, used to outshining everyone, so easily crushed by indifference after a lifetime of excellence.

As for himself, Eiji still had trouble believing that he hadn’t done something to earn Lord Antony’s disinterest. After six years, the thought was so deeply rooted that no one moment of revelation could pull it free. But what if he’d been told as much in his first weeks on the ship? What if he’d been given a chance to avoid all the worry and strategizing and disappointment?

Maybe he couldn’t do anything to help this new man, but shouldn’t he at least try?

Zenji was characteristically blunt. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Yes.” Eiji nodded. “I need to do this.”

Zenji’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he said nothing. Eiji straightened his shoulders and met that sharp gaze, praying that his resolve showed on his face, until the older man threw up his hands. 

“Fine,” Zenji sighed. “I’ll allow it. And take his laundry if you insist on going. It’s in that bag. But… well, come find me if you need to talk afterwards, all right?”

Zenji was handling him with much more care than he had at the beginning. It was almost enough to make Eiji regret breaking down in front of the older man, but he didn’t know how he would have pulled himself together in the wake of his terrible mistake if Zenji hadn’t been there to ground him.

Eiji glimpsed Norio and Rokuro at their usual baking station, but set out with his cart before they could see him. He was also avoiding Yudai today. His gut twisted at the idea of facing anyone who’d been there the night of the gathering. 

It was a long time since he’d been the jewel of the temple, but he still wasn’t used to people knowing about his mistakes. How was he supposed to greet men who had watched as he reduced his master to tears?

Once he was in the hallway, he relaxed a little. He managed to distract himself with thoughts of how to face the others until he realized that he was standing in front of Lord Antony’s door.

His stomach churned, but he forced his hand up and knocked.

Eiji only had to wait a moment before the door swung open and he was faced with the new offering.

The first thing he noticed was the boy’s golden hair. He’d never seen hair that color, except… yes, this new offering must have been the one that used to run amongst the pack of temple children with only his hair to distinguish him from the rest of the little ankle biters.

He wasn’t an ankle biter anymore. He was tall, though not quite as tall as Eiji himself. His face was pleasant enough, but unremarkable except for his large, bright eyes. Unremarkable, at least, until he smiled.

That smile was so broad and bright and  _ delighted  _ that Eiji had to blink a few times as though he were clearing sunspots from his eyes.

“H-Hello?” the young man stammered.

Of course. Eiji was behaving strangely, standing in the hallway and staring rather than handing over his burdens. He glanced behind the boy, to what he could see of the empty sitting room. Was Lord Antony away?

He returned his gaze to the new offering. “May I come in? I’ve brought your dinner and your clean laundry.”

“Oh! Of course!” The young man blushed a little and stepped back so quickly that he nearly slammed into the doorframe.

Once he’d cleared the doorway, Eiji walked in with his burdens.

It was so strange to step into that sitting room.

The place had been his whole world for six years. It looked the same as it always had. His absence hadn’t altered the room even the tiniest bit. It gave him an unsteady feeling, like vertigo. It felt unreal, and at the same time, it made everything else feel unreal, as if the last two weeks had been a dream. Just like last time.

Eiji managed to press the laundry bag onto the staring boy and take the few steps into the room to set the tray down on the table. It felt as if he were moving through water. Still, there was one important thing he had to be sure about.

“Lord Antony isn’t here?” he asked.

“No, he isn’t.” The new offering scrambled to stow the bag, then stood a little too close to Eiji and stared.

Maybe his proximity wouldn’t have felt so intrusive if it hadn’t been for that stare. Those big brown eyes were fixed on him with an uncomfortable level of intensity. Eiji had already received more direct attention over the last two weeks than he had in his entire previous life, and this additional scrutiny made him feel terribly exposed.

Just as he realized they’d lapsed into an uncomfortable silence, the young man broke it. “What’s your name?”

“Eiji.” Damn, he was bad at this.

He’d come here with a mission, a  _ plan,  _ and all it took to rattle him was a familiar room and a too-frank stare. Why was he so awkward? He couldn’t loosen up with Lord Felix, he couldn’t face Norio and Rokuro, and he couldn’t keep his brain focused long enough to speak to this man.

Eiji was opening his mouth to ask the young man his name, but he was cut off by a nervous, stammering voice.

“Y-you were…”

The boy’s eyes had gone even wider, which Eiji wouldn’t have thought was possible. Distress poured from every line of his face and body. It took Eiji a moment, but he finally understood.

The new offering knew his name. The only explanation was that he knew who he had replaced.

For just a second, Eiji’s heart leaped with the thought that Lord Antony had been the one to tell him. He was carried off with dizzy, self-indulgent fantasies of how it might have come about- “No, I want you to wait in  _ that  _ corner, like Eiji used to do.” “You’re getting better at making the bed properly, but not as good as Eiji.” “Why can’t you be more like Eiji?”- but then reality crashed back down on him.

It hadn’t been Lord Antony. Lord Antony didn’t even know his name.

The young man must have heard it back at the temple. Or perhaps Bunta had mentioned him- Zenji had said that Bunta had met the new offering, after all. Eiji’s silly daydreams curdled.

“Yes,” he said, a little more coldly than he had intended. “I was Lord Antony’s personal attendant before you.”

The young man darted a glance at the dinner tray. “I thought you served Lord Felix now?”

Eiji would have thought that it would anger him to hear his lord’s name on his replacement’s lips. He would have expected a flash of possessiveness or defensiveness. Instead, he felt himself relaxing.

He was more than Lord Antony’s castoffs. He belonged to Lord Felix. He’d been chosen and kept despite all his failings. He… though he hadn’t dared even to think it before this moment… was prized. He had no reason to feel inferior before this fresh young man.

“Yes,” he said, suffused with sudden pride, “I do. But I wanted a work detail as well. My master doesn’t mind.”

The new offering looked down. “Th-that’s good.”

“It  _ is  _ good,” Eiji agreed. “Lord Felix has been very good to me.”

_He held me. He kissed me. He said so many kind things that it broke my mind. After I_ _made him_ _cry,_ ** _he_** _comforted_ ** _me_** _._

Really, ‘very good to me’ hardly even began to describe it.

“I’m glad,” the young man said earnestly, and then another uncomfortable silence descended.

How was Eiji supposed to pivot from ‘my master is wonderful’ to ‘your master is going to ignore you for six years?’ It would sound like gloating. Hell, it might even  _ be  _ gloating, as mixed-up as his feelings had become. He tried to think of some way to broach the topic and failed repeatedly.

Eiji’s plans had all fallen to pieces. He decided that it would be best to try again tomorrow. Maybe by then he would have a little more control over his emotions, a little more ability to focus.

“I’ll be going,” he managed at last. “Good luck to you.”

The new offering’s eyes widened and he held out a hand. “Wait!”

Eiji halted and stared at the young man, who stared back as helplessly as if he were the one who was stuck waiting. His face flushed bright red- not just his face, either, but his ears and neck as well. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.

“I just… well… I don’t… that is…”

The stammering went on for an excruciatingly long time. Eiji felt nervous sweat prickling his own skin as he tried to decipher the best response. Should he interrupt? Offer guesses? Wait it out?

Finally, the young man screwed his eyes shut and said, “Is it true that Lord Antony never… never grants humans the honor of his bed?”

If only everyone responded to Eiji’s awkwardness by giving him a perfect opening to say exactly what he wanted. He seized on the miracle.

“It’s true.”

The new offering’s face fell, and Eiji realized that in order for him to even ask the question… oh dear. It must have started already. The poor boy must have bored Lord Antony even sooner than Eiji had done. Only two weeks, and already he was kneeling in painful silence, those huge, expressive eyes fixed on his master in an agony of confusion.

Pity filled Eiji, pushing away all his nerves and pride. He tried to look at the young man as tenderly as Lord Felix would have done, to wrap him up in gentle concern as Eiji had so often been.

“I know you had grand ideas when he chose you,” he told the new offering. “It was the same for me. But you need to let go of those. In six years, he barely said more to me than ‘Raise your head’ or ‘Play some music, would you?’ and he never once touched me except to feed.”

The young man’s brow furrowed, and Eiji cut himself off. He wanted to keep going, to tell the boy everything he would have needed to hear, to explain that it wasn’t his fault and that he just needed to keep his spirits up because afterwards, everything would get better… but he couldn’t promise that. He’d been so unbelievably fortunate to be claimed by Lord Felix. He couldn’t pretend that his successor would have anything like that kind of luck himself.

When the boy spoke again, his voice was polite and remote. “Thank you for your advice.”

Eiji understood. It wasn’t what the young man had wanted to hear. He would leave him to his thoughts and, perhaps, try again another day. For now, he simply nodded and left.

His chest felt strangely light and buoyant as he completed his rounds. True, he hadn’t brought welcome news, but by resetting his expectations, he really believed he’d helped that poor young man. How long had it been since he’d truly helped someone? Had he ever?

Beyond how gratifying it was for him, Eiji thought that, if he knew, his master would also be proud of him. Lord Felix overflowed with compassion and helped people all the time. Surely he would be pleased if he knew that his always-erring attendant had found a way to help someone, too.

Eiji’s mood deflated a little as he finished his work and turned back towards the kitchens, where he would have to go to Rokuro to ask for his own meal. He still didn’t know what he would say to Lord Felix when he got back to their rooms that night, let alone what he would say to the baker or Norio.

Oh, well. If they were angry, he could survive it. As for Lord Felix…

His conviction from earlier still held. Perhaps it was foolish and hubristic to believe it, but he believed it nonetheless. He was valued. He was one of the god’s most prized possessions. He might feel awkward when he saw his master again, but it would be all right. He was wanted.

Norio was standing behind Rokuro as he worked. The two of them were chatting, but Eiji saw Norio’s gaze fixed on the baker’s shoulders, watching the muscles move as he kneaded the trough of dough.

He tore his eyes away at Eiji’s approach and smiled, waving.

The expression loosened something clenched in Eiji’s chest, and he felt his own shoulders slumping in relief as he hurried to join them.

“There you are!” Norio greeted. “You were off in such a rush earlier, I didn’t even see you. Zenji’s such a slave driver!”

“Well, technically, we  _ are  _ slaves, so…” Rokuro turned and smiled, too, tilting his head towards a plate. “Hello, Eiji. Your food is over there.”

“Thank you,” Eiji whispered.

That whisper was all he could manage. He didn’t trust his voice not to shake if he used it.

“Eat fast,” the baker advised. “Once you’re done, I’m going to teach you how to make bread. I believe someone else wanted you to teach him once you’ve got the hang of it?”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this to be the bread date chapter, but other things happened. Ah well. Bread date next time!

Chapter 21

Eiji knew that Lord Felix would be finished with his own work first that day, but he was still surprised when he entered the god’s rooms and found his master clearly waiting for him.

Lord Felix was perched (as silly a word as that seemed for such a large person) on the arm of one of the big chairs so that he was facing the door. As soon as Eiji entered, the god was on his feet and beaming at him. There was so much warmth and genuine pleasure in that smile that it, as much as habit, sent Eiji  to his knees, wishing for what felt like the hundredth time that he could make his full bow. 

"Welcome back!" the god cried.

Something in Eiji loosened, something that he hadn't even realized had been clenched since his visit to his old master's rooms until it relaxed. 

_ I wasn't wrong. I am wanted. This is my place now. _

His voice was warmer than usual when he replied, "Thank you, my lord."

"Please, rise... is that flour, or am I turning your hair white with my antics?"

Eiji's nerves crackled as he tried to think of a respectful way to address the second part of the question, and finally gave up. "It's flour, my lord. Please forgive me for appearing before you in such a state."

"Sweetheart, may I remind you that  _ I _ appeared before  _ you _ wearing the contents of a bedpan?"

Even if arguing were permitted, Eiji didn't feel like contesting how very different that was, so he kept silent.

"What did you do today?" The god settled properly in his chair and gestured to Eiji, who crossed the room to kneel at his feet.

Immediately, he relaxed further. Gods, if only it could always be like this... unwinding with his kindly master, ready to spring into action if any service was required.

"I made my deliveries, and... Rokuro instructed me in breadmaking, my lord."

Eiji didn't dare ask whether the god still held his inexplicable desires. Luckily, asking proved unnecessary.

"Wonderful!" Lord Felix cried, and he truly sounded like he meant it. "Does that mean you'll be ready to teach me soon?"

Eiji ducked his head. "If such is my lord's desire, it would be my honor to obey."

"Thank you." Then, softly, "May I touch you?"

“I welcome my lord’s touch, as always.”

The god hummed acknowledgement and reached to run his fingers through Eiji’s hair, brushing away the flour. Eiji’s face heated, but he bit down his protests and tried to enjoy the sensation of his master’s gentle hand.

_ Remember the list. Thirty-seven: Lord Felix doesn’t mind if I’m a little messy. He isn’t angry about the flour. Don’t panic. _

They were quiet for a moment, then the god spoke up. “I thought we could get your room cleaned out this evening, if you’ll let me join you in there. Theo says the weather is likely to be rough tomorrow and I’d hate for you to get hurt again.”

“M-my lord, you needn’t trouble yourself. I can manage.”

“Don’t be so cruel, Eiji.” The god’s voice was soft and teasing enough to mostly (but not entirely) quell the spike of alarm that shot through Eiji at his words. “If you hurt your shoulder while it’s still healing, Julia will knit my intestines into a scarf and force me to wear it. You can’t wish that on me. Have a heart.”

Eiji faltered, unsure how to respond to his master's playfulness. He remembered the way everybody had teased each other at the gathering a few nights ago, and how Lord Felix had enjoyed the banter. It was clear that he wouldn’t be punished if he were to play along with this joke- on the contrary, his master would no doubt be delighted. But his throat closed and his pulse raced at the very idea.

Could he do it if he pretended he was just speaking with another human?

… no. He’d never been able to manage this kind of friendly teasing with other humans, either. His jokes weren’t funny, his teasing tended to be clumsy and hurtful, and he could never get his facial expressions right.

_ For so many years, all I wanted was to be prized. Now I am, or at least I dare to think I am, but not for my manners or submission. What does that leave? That’s all I have to offer. If I can’t figure out why he wants me, how can I ensure that it continues? _

He stewed in his silence for an agonizing moment before finally spitting out, “I’m so sorry, my lord, I’m no good at teasing! Please forgive my stupidity, I-”

“Dear, the last thing you are is stupid.” Lord Felix rose from his chair. “Come on, let’s go to your room. If I may?”

“Of course, my lord.”

Eiji felt vaguely that he had failed and ought to crawl after his master, but his shoulder gave a phantom twinge at the very thought. Anyhow, Lord Felix didn’t seem angry, and it was the god’s prerogative to decide any punishments Eiji received. He walked to the bedroom instead.

“Sit down, please.” The god patted the bed and gave him another of those meltingly warm smiles.

Eiji settled obediently on the spot he’d pointed out, though he couldn’t resist the urge to fold his knees under himself instead of sitting on his ass. Making eye contact was one thing, but the idea of sloppy positioning in his master’s presence offended his pride in ways he couldn’t quite articulate even to himself.

Fortunately, Lord Felix didn’t seem to mind Eiji’s creative interpretation of the word ‘sit.’ He had already turned to the wardrobe and begun unloading its contents into a large basket he must have brought in with him.

“I’m sorry my teasing upset you,” the god said, with his back to Eiji. “Please don’t worry about trying to banter with me. I don’t want you to do anything that will make you uncomfortable.”

_ Everything makes me uncomfortable. _

“My lord is far kinder than his unworthy servant deserves,” Eiji whispered.

“Never,” Lord Felix replied, giving a blue robe a brisk shake that Eiji thought might be intended to hide the tender way he touched the garment. “There isn’t a kindness in the world that would be more than you deserved, Eiji. I only hope I can persuade you of that one day.”

The god sounded a little sad, and Eiji spent a frantic moment trying to figure out where he’d gone wrong before realizing that, most likely, Lord Felix was simply saddened by packing away Hiroya’s things. His belly squirmed with guilt at the idea- this wouldn’t be necessary if it weren’t for him- but he tried to squash the feeling down. Lord Felix himself had said that he ought to have gotten rid of these things before.

“How are our friends in the kitchen?” the god asked, interrupting Eiji’s frantic thoughts. “Has Norio managed to tell Rokuro that he wants him yet?”

That idea was surprising enough to break the spiral entirely. “Norio  _ what?” _

“Haven’t you noticed?” Lord Felix tossed a smile over his shoulder, not seeming to mind Eiji’s graceless (and honorific-less) statement. “He can’t keep his eyes off the man. He always wants to sit next to him.”

Was that true? Eiji cast his mind back over all his interactions with the two of them. True, Norio  _ did  _ seem to hover around Rokuro’s baking station even when there was no real reason for him to be there, but Eiji couldn’t recall any lingering looks. He hadn’t thought to notice.

Lord Felix was still talking…  _ gossiping,  _ Eiji would have called it if he were a human, but surely a god was above such things. “He has excellent taste, I must say. Rokuro’s wonderful. And I think they’d be good together. Norio could do with a steadying influence, don’t you think?”

“Y-yes, my lord.”

It was so strange to think of someone from his cadre with a  _ lover.  _ Not a friend, but still an equal. Not a master, but still a bedmate. 

He was used to thinking of that sort of relationship as something reserved for other people, the mysterious masses teeming outside the temple walls. Zenji and Bunta were older, and he’d just met them, so it was easy enough to accept the way their lives looked. But Norio? Someone he’d grown up with? Someone who’d been trained and dedicated to service, just like him?

Of course it was possible. Norio and Rokuro were kitchen workers, not bound to any one master. If they wanted, they could choose each other.

_ Choose. _

What would that be like? Eiji tried to imagine thinking over all the people he knew and just… picking one. How would you even find out whether the other person wanted you back? What were the odds that, out of everybody, two people would mutually choose  _ each other? _

In the light of those dismal odds, asking the question sounded terrifying. What if they said no? What if they laughed at you? And then you still had to see them every day and try to pretend nothing had happened…

But what if a miracle happened and they agreed? What would it feel like to realize that, out of everybody, someone wanted you for no other reason than because they thought so highly of you? How wonderful would it be if someone loved you the way Zenji and Bunta doted on each other? If they talked about you, looked after you, admired you, sought out silly excuses to spend time with you or touch you, did small things just to please you?

These were foolish thoughts. Even if he had the chance to seek out a lover, Eiji would never be brave enough to ask. If he couldn’t manage to keep himself together long enough to give a warning to a new offering, he’d never be able to ask somebody to love him.

Still, he couldn’t help hoping that things worked out for Norio and Rokuro.

“Do you think you could teach me about breadmaking tomorrow, once everyone’s done cleaning up after dinner?” Lord Felix asked, interrupting his thoughts again.

“Of course, if that is my lord’s wish.” Rokuro had warned that the god would want to begin as soon as possible, so Eiji had been careful to memorize all the baker’s instructions today.

“Wonderful!” Lord Felix turned, beaming.

The wardrobe was empty behind him. All of Hiroya’s clothes lay piled in the basket, folded neatly enough to satisfy the most exacting priests. Eiji barely even had time to admire his master’s neatness before Lord Felix had dragged the trunk over and begun unpacking his clothes.

Eiji couldn’t resist offering up a weak protest. “My lord, I’m sure I could manage this. These tasks are beneath you.”

Lord Felix paused, then set the robe he’d been holding carefully back in the chest. For a dizzy moment, Eiji actually dared to hope that he’d persuaded his master to see his point of view.

Then the god crossed the room and knelt before him, taking his hands gently in his own. Eiji’s gut roiled in protest at the impropriety, just as it had done the night of his accident. Before he had a chance to voice his discomfort, however, Lord Felix spoke.

“It pleases me to do this for you, sweetheart. I teased you about Julia wreaking vengeance on me, but the true and honest reason is that I want to do something to make your life better and try to help you feel welcome in our rooms. Please, allow me this.”

It made no sense, as usual. Lord Felix’s words and actions were always so incomprehensible. Still, Eiji had his orders.

“Of course, my lord,” he murmured, trapped in the softness of that gaze. “Anything your servant can do to please you is a privilege and a joy.”

“Thank you.”

Lord Felix dipped his face towards their clasped hands, and for a heady moment Eiji thought he was going to kiss his knuckles, as he’d done before. At the last moment, however, the god stopped himself and drew back, releasing Eiji’s hands with a gentle parting squeeze.

_ Of course. I flinched away the last time he kissed my hand. _

“Tomorrow, I’ll come find you once I’ve washed up from the elder rooms,” Lord Felix said, resuming his work in the wardrobe as if nothing had happened. “Zenji wouldn’t appreciate me entering his kitchens straight from my shift. I hope you’ll have some patience left after your workday. You must prepare yourself for a terribly inept pupil.”

“I will await you eagerly, my lord.”

Preparing himself was another thing. Somehow, Eiji was never quite prepared for Lord Felix and his mystifying ways.

Tomorrow was sure to be interesting.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited bread date: part 1

When Eiji returned from making his dinner deliveries, he found the kitchens in a very strange state.

Everyone was sitting and eating their own meals in a little cluster, and all around the rest of the room, a shape was moving so quickly his eyes couldn’t quite follow it.

“I told you it wouldn’t all be done in time, my lord,” Zenji drawled when he saw Eiji. “This man is quick! Young legs are a wonder.”

Young as they might have been, Eiji’s legs felt awfully slow in comparison with the blur. He realized that the speeding figure was Lord Felix only as the god rushed up to him and reached for his cart.

“Hello, Eiji,” his master said.

Eiji had never heard Lord Felix’s voice quite like this. He sounded… disheveled? Could someone  _ sound  _ disheveled? He certainly looked the part. His hair was a mess and his sleeves were pushed carelessly up over his elbows. It was all so strange and unexpected that when the god reached for his cart, Eiji relinquished it without even remembering to return his greeting or make a bow.

“Thank you.” Lord Felix beamed as he took the cart. “I’ll only be a moment.”

He zoomed away again, not as quickly as before, but still fast enough to make the cart’s wheels squeal in protest and some of the dirty lunch dishes Eiji had collected rattle dangerously. The god sped to a sink and began… his hands were moving so quickly it was hard to follow the motions, but he seemed to be washing the dishes.

“Eiji?” It didn’t sound like this was the first time Rokuro had called his name. “I’ve got your supper here.”

Eiji joined the little cluster and knelt beside Norio, half-convinced he was in a dream. The baker reached across Norio to give Eiji his plate, which made Norio blush a little even as he turned his head to speak to Eiji.

“You’d better stay with us,” Norio advised. “He’s liable to run over anybody who gets in his way.”

“I will  _ not,”  _ the god hollered from the sink, where a third of the dishes were already gleaming in their stack. “You can all sit anywhere you want! You don’t have to huddle up like that!”

Norio snorted. “I’m not taking the chance, my lord. I  _ like  _ having all my limbs!”

Eiji took a few bites of his food in dazed silence before he decided that this was not, in fact, a dream. The food tasted too real for that.

“Why is my lord doing the dishes?” he asked at last, his voice perfectly calm and even.

“Not just the dishes.” Zenji popped a cube of yam into his mouth, chewed, swallowed, and resumed. “He’s doing everyone’s chores so he can get us all out of here early. He seems very set on having a  _ private  _ lesson.”

The last sentence was accompanied by a smirk. Norio hooted and elbowed Eiji in the ribs, and Eiji, for his part, wished he could sink through the floor. There was no way Lord Felix’s supernatural hearing had missed any of that, though the only sign that he’d heard was an even more frenetic pace in his dishwashing.

“Good thing, too,” Rokuro said with a glower he pointed first at Norio, then at Zenji. “I taught Eiji all my tricks and I agreed that he could show Lord Felix, but I don’t want the rest of you rabble knowing my secrets. You’ll use the knowledge to topple me and take my place as head baker.”

Norio pouted. “And Eiji won’t?”

“I am grooming Eiji to be my successor.” Rokuro gestured at Eiji with his fork. “When he betrays me, I will know that his training is complete.”

The men wandered off one by one as they finished their meals. Yudai gave Eiji a significant look that reminded him of what he’d said the night of the disastrous party about ‘being gentle’ with Lord Felix, whatever that meant. Rokuro’s look was much warmer and more encouraging, and Norio just waggled his eyebrows suggestively before rushing to catch up with the baker. 

Each of them handed over their plates to Lord Felix, who accepted each with a cheery “Thank you!” and kept right on washing. In a gesture of true mercy, Rokuro had taken Eiji’s dishes along with his own. Eiji didn’t think he was physically capable of handing his plate to a god for washing.

The kitchens emptied until only Zenji remained. Eiji was grateful for that- he couldn’t imagine being the only person left to sit and stare while his master worked at these menial tasks.

Zenji seemed much less troubled by the situation. When the last of the others was gone, he leaned against the wall with his arms folded over his ample middle and stared at Lord Felix, who had moved on to drying by this time.

“You’re making me nervous!” the god whined after a minute of this. “I feel like you’re just waiting for me to make a mistake so you can swoop down on me!”

Zenji smirked. “That’s exactly what I’m doing. I agreed to this as long as you did the job  _ right.” _

“I am!” Lord Felix protested. “I may not know how to cook very well, but I’m fantastic at cleaning. You know that.”

The older man shook his head and tutted. “That’s why I have to watch you. When you get cocky like that, that’s when you make mistakes.”

There it was again. Teasing, friendly banter. Gods, they were all so good at it. Eiji was so dazed by everything going on that he couldn’t even muster up any envy of the skill. Instead, he just listened and admired them- so quick and clever, so comfortable with each other.

It took an eternity for Lord Felix to finish putting the dishes away and mopping up all the water his high-speed washing had splashed over the tables and floor, though Eiji knew that realistically it couldn’t have been more than a quarter hour. Finally, the god stood in front of Zenji, trying (and mostly failing) to manhandle his collar into its usual crisp fold.

“Well?” Lord Felix asked hopefully. “Do I pass muster?”

Zenji smiled. “Of course. You’re fantastic at cleaning. Now remember, I expect it to look just as good when I come back tomorrow. No stray flour!”

“Not a single particle,” Lord Felix swore, hand on his heart.

“Good.” The older man nodded. “Well, then, I’m off. You two have fun.”

Eiji was ridiculous. He’d spent most of the last few days, as he recovered from his injury, alone with Lord Felix. He  _ lived  _ with Lord Felix. They spent time alone together every day. And yet, as Zenji left, Eiji had a sudden urge to beg the man to stay.

This was all so strange. He had no reason to think that anything bad would happen, but some part of his mind couldn’t stop screaming that anyone who would go to such efforts just to spend time with him was dangerous.

His discomfort must have been obvious, because when he turned his head back to face Lord Felix, the god looked a little abashed.

“It’s perfectly all right if you don’t feel like doing this anymore,” he said, patting a little more frantically at his clothes and hair. “I’m sure I look a mess, and you’ve had a full day. I won’t be disappointed if you’d rather just go home.”

That had to be a lie. Lord Felix had been charging around like a sandstorm, and he’d practically vibrated with enthusiasm when he saw Eiji. Still, his gaze and voice were perfectly level, as if he would truly be content with any decision his attendant made.

Eiji scolded himself for his foolishness. There was nothing dangerous about this. In fact, it was an unprecedented opportunity to please a master who asked so little of him. He needed to stop panicking over nothing and try to enjoy this.

“Not at all, my lord,” he said, and his smile was genuine.

Lord Felix, for his part, beamed back at him. “If you’re sure.”

“Yes, my lord. It would be your servant’s honor to…”  _ Teach you  _ sounded terribly presumptuous, but how else could he word it?

“To reveal all of Rokuro’s precious secrets?” the god supplied, coming to his rescue. “Come on, then. You can’t commit baking espionage if you’re kneeling here.”

After two weeks with Lord Felix, Eiji wasn’t startled when his master extended a hand to help him up. In fact, he rather enjoyed the contact. Lord Felix’s hands were rough and callused, and the faint scraping made a thrilling contrast with Eiji’s own soft palms.

His master led him to Rokuro’s station, which the baker had considerately left ready for them. Lord Felix stopped, and Eiji darted a glance up to find the god’s eyes wide as he stared down at all the ingredients, laid out in a neat row.

“Goodness,” Lord Felix breathed. “No wonder the bread here always looks so fine.”

“M-my lord?” Eiji didn’t quite dare to ask  _ What in the world do you mean,  _ but his stammering seemed to be clear enough for Lord Felix.

“I never knew bread could have so many ingredients,” the god explained. “What do we do first?”

Eiji gave up on getting any further answers at the moment. “We warm some water, my lord.”

Lord Felix perked up even more. “Oh good! I’ll get the kettle and we can make tea with the water that’s left.”

The god stoked the embers of Rokuro’s big oven and filled a kettle. Eiji had never seen Rokuro do it this way… but then, he’d only made such small portions of bread when he was teaching Eiji. Why wouldn’t water from a kettle work just as well?

“We can’t let it boil,” he said as Lord Felix settled the pot. “It just needs to be warm.”

“All right.” The god smiled at him. “What do we do in the meantime?”

Eiji smiled back and felt his shoulders relax, just a little bit. “We’ll mix up the sugar and yeast in the trencher. Rokuro said he would leave us a little one.”

“Oh, right here!” Plucking up the shallow dish, Lord Felix cast a glance at the baker’s usual trencher. “That thing is huge! No wonder Rokuro’s built like a boulder.”

Lord Felix’s build was not much different from Rokuro’s. Eiji could easily imagine his master handling the great trencher of dough the way the baker did, his shoulders rolling and biceps straining with the rhythmic motion of kneading, his strong, capable fingers working the dough with every movement… Yes, he could imagine that all too easily.

“Here’s the sugar,” the god continued, breaking Eiji out of his thoughts. “And you said we need… yeast? What’s that?”

“Here…” Eiji reached for the jar and, realizing suddenly how long it had been since he’d used an honorific, added a hasty “… my lord.”

Lord Felix peered into the jar. “That looks so strange. What is it?”

“I don’t quite know,” Eiji admitted. “Please forgive your servant’s ignorance.”

“Sweetheart, you know what it’s called, so you’re already less ignorant than me. How much do we add?”

It was surprisingly easy to work with his master like this. Eiji didn’t have to worry about whether he was making good conversation, because talk flowed easily from what they were doing and Lord Felix’s questions about it. He didn’t have to worry about his position, because they were both busy and moving. He didn’t have to worry about being pleasing or finding a way to be of service, because the entire endeavor was happening at Lord Felix’s request. He didn’t have to worry about… anything.

It was also a pleasant surprise to find how compatible their styles of work were. Eiji had always been single-minded about tasks, and he was grateful, if a little confused, to find that the god also approached the humble work seriously. He didn’t joke or get distracted, though his demeanor stayed friendly and smiling. He treated each step of making bread he couldn’t eat as though it deserved his whole focus.

“This is so fine!” Lord Felix marveled as they measured the flour out of a huge barrel. “Look at that! And so white! It must have been ground half a dozen times.”

Eiji couldn’t help smiling a little at his wide eyes. He ought to be surprised that a legendary war god would be so awestruck at the quality of some flour, but… honestly, it seemed like the sort of thing Lord Felix would get excited about. Something soft and warm filled him as he watched the god take a pinch of flour and rub it between his fingers with further exclamations of delight, and it was a little difficult to return his attention to the task at hand.

“We’ll add the salt and herbs to it, then put it in the trencher with the yeast mixture,” he said, at which Lord Felix’s eyes widened even more.

“May I knead it?” he asked, sounding like a child at the temple begging to be allowed to pull the rope and ring the evening bell.

“My lord may do as he wishes,” Eiji replied, wrestling down another surge of that warm feeling.

The god’s enthusiasm didn’t flag when they poured the bowl of dry ingredients into the trencher, but he did hesitate, ducking his head, and peering at Eiji through his lashes.

“It’s been a long time since I kneaded dough,” he said. “I’d be terribly grateful if you would remind me how to do it. You could just put your hands over mine and I would mimic your movements.”

Eiji froze. As soon as he heard his master’s suggestion, he found himself paralyzed with a sudden realization.

He wanted to do that. Gods, he wanted so badly to stand that close to Lord Felix, to press those big, powerful, gentle hands under his own, to lean into his body and savor every tiniest point of contact. He wanted it in a great, overpowering rush that rooted him to his spot.

Surely, he wasn’t allowed to want something this much. There had to be something wrong with it, with him for wanting it, with  _ something.  _ It couldn’t be safe to just do a thing that he wanted so badly to do. There must be impropriety somewhere in the desire, arrogance or presumption or-

The god’s eyes widened just a little as Eiji hesitated. He straightened and held his hands out placatingly.

“Sorry, Eiji. That wasn’t an order. You don’t have to. I’m sure I’ll do just fine. It’s only kneading, after all.”

Lists and rules all battered at Eiji’s mind, but he forced them down and, with a sudden, desperate resolution he hadn’t known he possessed, he marched forward.

“It would be my pleasure, my lord,” he said firmly.

Lord Felix shot him a look of surprise, but he didn’t protest as Eiji moved into place. That was good. At the slightest bit of resistance, Eiji was fairly sure that his bravado would dissolve and he’d start hyperventilating.

He squeezed next to the god, so close that he could feel the faint chill of his skin through his clothes, and reached across his chest to press both their hands into the dough.

“Like this,” Eiji said, and if his voice cracked a little, his master didn’t comment on it.

_ I am not doing anything wrong,  _ he told himself fiercely.  _ This is what my master wants. It doesn’t somehow become the wrong thing just because I want it, too. Why shouldn’t I be excited to obey? It’s what I’m for. _

Eiji might have known what he was for, but he still wasn’t entirely sure what all  _ this _ was for. It felt like flirtation, but surely the god knew he didn’t have to flirt with Eiji. If he wanted him, all he had to do was take him. No matter how many insinuations Zenji or Norio made, that remained the reality of the situation. So, since Lord Felix hadn’t taken him yet, it meant he didn’t want him.

Still… they were pressed so close together, and oh  _ gods  _ the feeling of Lord Felix’s hip pressing into his and his hands under Eiji’s in all this ridiculous dough, and really, there was no way the god had forgotten how to knead, it wasn’t exactly an elaborate process…

“Amazing,” Lord Felix breathed. “It feels even finer like this. Eating this bread must be like biting into clouds.”

Then he laughed, and the always-shocking volume of his laughter did not entirely explain the thrill that ran down Eiji’s spine. The sensation of being close enough to  _ feel  _ as well as hear it might have had more to do with his excitement.

“Oh dear, talking about biting clouds,” Lord Felix chuckled. “You must think I’m fixated. That I wander about all day just surveying the world to find things I’d like to bite.”

“Not at all, my lord.” But now Eiji was thinking about the last time  _ he’d  _ been something Lord Felix liked to bite, about the feeling of his arm around Eiji’s shoulders and his lips against Eiji’s throat, and it wasn’t a very good idea to think about those sorts of things when Eiji was standing this close and certain… reactions might be more noticeable than usual.

“How do we know when it’s been kneaded enough?” Lord Felix asked, and Eiji was overwhelmed with gratitude to be talking about the bread again.

Gods, he was a wreck. And if he didn’t know better, he’d think he was enjoying it.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bread date: part the second

Once they had their loaves formed and rising, Lord Felix slid down to sit on the floor and rest his back against the wall. Eiji blinked at him in astonishment.

“Feel free to sit in a chair,” the god said, gesturing to all the seats he was ignoring. “I just like being able to sprawl a bit sometimes.”

Eiji couldn’t quite bring himself to ‘sprawl,’ but he knelt delicately beside his master and tried not to feel as if even this was too daring. His boldness was rewarded when Lord Felix turned his head to smile at him. The god had a smudge of flour on his cheek, but he couldn’t think of a polite way to mention it before Lord Felix started speaking.

“You’re an excellent teacher, Eiji. I’m sorry I got so confused with all the ingredients. You were good to be so patient with me.”

Eiji inclined his head. “Not at all, my lord. I’m sure Rokuro would be gratified to learn that you were so impressed with his recipe.”

“There was just so  _ much.”  _ That same awe was back in the god’s voice. “When my parents and I made it, we just used flour, a little ale, and some salt. When the harvest was bad, we would grind up peas or beans as well so we didn’t have to use as much flour. Or sometimes, we sent my little brothers and sisters hunting for acorns to add… but I’m sorry, you’re not here to listen to me reminisce.”

Eiji was too astonished by his master’s words to come up with any kind of polite response. The god had eaten human food? He’d had brothers and sisters? They had feared poor harvests? It was all too strange for him to even begin summoning words.

Lord Felix went on anyway. “It really is a grand recipe, though. You, Rokuro, Zenji… all of you are so well-educated and refined, it never quite stops astonishing me. If you and I had met as children, I would have thought you were a prince and gone down on my knees.”

That horrifying image was enough to snap Eiji out of his confusion. He stared helplessly at his master.

“M-My lord!” he sputtered.

Lord Felix shrugged and smiled at him. “It’s true. You’re so handsome, graceful, polished… Doesn’t that sound like a prince?”

Alarm bubbled in Eiji’s gut. “I am your humble slave, my lord, and honored to be so! I wouldn’t presume to seek any other station!”

“I didn’t mean to imply anything, sweetheart.” Lord Felix scrubbed his hand over his head, getting flour in his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you. I’m just trying to flirt with you, and I’m afraid I’m doing a very bad job of it.”

Oh.

_ Oh. _

Eiji was grateful for his master’s explanation, but it did so little to address his own confusion. He glanced up and found Lord Felix looking at him, messy and apologetic, and the earnestness of the god’s gaze helped him muster the courage to ask his question.

“… flirting with me, my lord?”

It was Lord Felix’s turn to look confused. “Yes? Of course I’m flirting with you. Haven’t I been clear? What did you think all this-” The god gestured to the oven, “-was about? I’m trying to court you, Eiji.”

“Oh.” Eiji swallowed, tried to think how he was supposed to respond, and gave up. “Why?”

“I don’t want to upset you the way I did last time,” Lord Felix said carefully, his eyes fixed on Eiji’s face as though it was of vital importance that he monitor every little expression of his attendant. “But I’ll say that I think you’re incredible. I admire your strength and resilience, and I can’t imagine anything more wonderful than one day being able to earn your trust.”

Eiji knew he was flushing, and he had to fight down the urge to drop his gaze and squirm, but at least he didn’t feel that he was in danger of crying this time. The key was not to think too hard about the compliments. If he didn’t think about them, he couldn’t get stuck reasoning through how untrue they were and worrying about what would happen when his master realized his mistake.

“My lord is kinder than his servant deserves,” he murmured, and tried not to wince at the way Lord Felix’s hopeful smile dimmed. “But… courting?”

“Yes.” The god nodded, seeming to rally. “I’m sorry, have I been confusing on that point? I’m trying to woo you, though of course I’ll stop if you’d prefer I didn’t.”

“It’s not that, my lord.” Eiji wanted to please his master, and being romanced… well, he might not entirely understand what that would look like, but if this was what it meant, there were far less pleasant ways to be of service. “I just… may I ask why my lord would take the trouble? My body is yours. It would be my honor to serve you in any way-”

“May I interrupt?” Lord Felix looked pained, and Eiji wondered whether he was growing uncomfortable on the floor. “I don’t want to order anyone to my bed. If you didn’t enjoy our time together, neither would I. Anyhow, when I say I’m trying to woo you, that doesn’t mean that my goal is sex.”

Eiji was carefully keeping his feelings distant at the moment. He couldn’t let his confusion swallow him up. Still, he was fairly sure that this was disappointing news.

“I don’t even know if you  _ like  _ sex,” the god went on. “And I don’t know if you like being wooed. Some people don’t care for romantic attention of any kind. If that’s how you feel, that’s more than all right and I promise I won’t bring it up again.”

“Please, my lord, I just want to know how to please you.” Eiji felt teary and desperate, though he hardly knew for what.

Lord Felix always did this. He was always asking what Eiji wanted. But how was Eiji supposed to  _ know?  _ He had no practice wanting things. It wasn’t his place. That had been made abundantly clear from the beginning. He remembered one dour priest who used to swat at the boys anytime they used the words, no matter the context-  _ I want more bread, I want that ball, I want to be a soldier this time.  _ How was a person supposed to go from not being allowed to want a turn on the big swing to making demands of a god?

“Sweetheart.” Lord Felix’s gentle tone brought Eiji’s attention back to the present, and he scolded himself fiercely for allowing his mind to wander during such an important conversation. “Would you like it if I ordered Norio and Rokuro to be your friends?”

That idea was so appalling that Eiji lost all sense of propriety and let his mouth sag open as his chest contracted painfully. “I… you ordered them?”

It made a horrible kind of sense. It solved the mystery of why they always sought him out. Why would anyone put up with so much of his company unless they were being forced?

“No!” Lord Felix held up his hands, palms out, like he was pleading with Eiji. “I would never do that! But… do you see what I mean? I don’t want any kind of relationship with you that you don’t also freely choose.”

Eiji was still reeling from the awful thought of Norio and Rokuro’s inexplicable kindness having such a simple, terrible explanation. It made so much sense… Lord Felix said he hadn’t commanded them, and he had no reason to lie to Eiji, but still…

“I’m sorry.” Once more, his master’s voice drew Eiji’s gaze and attention back to where he sat, looking penitent. “I shouldn’t have even used that as a hypothetical example. I swear it’s not true. Anyhow, even if I tried to order something like that, you and I both know that Norio would tell me to take a walk off the side of the boat.”

Eiji wasn’t sure that even Norio would be so daring, but the idea was still shocking… and funny. He didn’t realize his lips had twitched up until Lord Felix was beaming back at him. His smallest smiles always pulled such a grin from the god… he really ought to smile more often.

After a moment, Lord Felix dropped his gaze to his hands. Eiji’s eyes followed, and he saw that his master’s hands were still floury.

It had been a while since he’d dared to really imagine Lord Felix’s hands on him… oh gods, that was a lie. He imagined it all the time. It was just usually bound up so tightly in anxiety and self-reproach that it was hard to indulge the fantasy. Now, though, with the god right there, after the way he’d pressed against Eiji and talked about wooing him, he couldn’t seem to stop the rush of heat through his body.

Did this mean he wanted what Lord Felix had offered? What  _ had  _ even been offered? It was all so confusing, but at least for the moment, Eiji found that he didn’t mind the confusion.

Lord Felix sighed and lifted his face so that he was meeting Eiji’s eyes again. “You’re such a special person, and I don’t think anyone’s ever made the effort to appreciate you. If all you want is my friendship and admiration, you’ll have it. But if you’re willing to- Oh! Our hour is up!”

He sprang to his feet, and Eiji was left to kneel, blinking in confusion. It took his mind a long moment to catch up with the situation.  _ Oh, right. The bread. _

Eiji rushed to stand behind Lord Felix as he lifted the cloth and stared down at their creation. It had risen just fine, but one end of the loaf had come untucked. That had left the bread with a bulbous protuberance, which looked for all the world like…

“Eiji.” The god’s tone was low and mournful. “Our bread looks like a dick.”

The ridiculous loaf and his master’s plaintive tone were simply too much, especially after all the tension of their previous conversation. Eiji had no way to stop the laughter that filled his throat and tumbled from his lips.

At his first giggle, Lord Felix looked up from the misshapen loaf, and before Eiji knew it, the god was laughing along. His loud, deep peals of laughter rattled Eiji’s chest in a way he wasn’t used to, but he was fairly certain he enjoyed.

_ I hope I get to hear your real voice again one day,  _ he thought suddenly.

He felt pierced through by that strange, aching softness as he watched Lord Felix wipe tears of laughter from his eyes, smearing the flour on his face still further. He couldn’t tear his gaze from his master as the god stoked the flames and put the misshapen bread in the oven, still chuckling to himself. And when Lord Felix turned back to him, eyes bright with mirth, Eiji gathered every bit of courage he had ever possessed.

“My lord?” His voice was a squeak, but he pressed on nonetheless. “May your servant be permitted… um… kiss you? Can I?”

It wasn’t a coherent sentence. Hell, it was hardly  _ words.  _ But Eiji knew his master had understood when the god went still, his eyes widening and his throat bobbing with a sudden swallow.

Eiji prayed that Lord Felix wouldn’t make him ask again. He didn’t think he  _ could.  _ But before he could truly begin to panic, his master stepped towards him.

Lord Felix rested one hand on Eiji’s ribs and raised the other to cup his face. The god gazed down at him, pupils blown wide, and Eiji thought that even the gentlest touch could never be as soft as that gaze. His heart hammered wildly as he parted his lips, dizzy with anticipation.

“Oh, Eiji.” Lord Felix sounded dizzy too, his voice hushed and reverent. “You’re a miracle.”

Then the god’s soft, cold lips were on his, and Eiji couldn’t think of anything else.

Lord Felix kissed his lower lip, then his upper lip. Each kiss was light and chaste, but they lingered tantalizingly. Eiji was startled by the heat that roared through his body at those gentle touches. He had to fight to keep from arching against his master’s hands and capturing the god’s lips with his own.

His control faltered when Lord Felix paused and seemed about to draw away. Eiji surged forward desperately, though with his eyes closed, he only managed to press his lips to the corner of Lord Felix’s mouth.

The clumsiness of the gesture didn’t seem to bother the god. In fact, he gave a ragged little moan and tightened his hold on Eiji’s side, just a little. Carried away by his own daring, Eiji rested his own hand on his master’s hip, moth-wing light, as their lips met again.

They almost burned the penis bread.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuletide fluff for y'all! Thank you very much for reading. <3

When he woke, Eiji lay on his bed and feverishly updated his list.

Eighty-seven: Lord Felix didn’t mind performing menial chores like cleaning or baking.

Eighty-eight: Lord Felix had parents and siblings, or did once.

Eighty-nine: Lord Felix had the nicest laugh in the world.

Ninety: Lord Felix’s hands were amazingly tender, despite being so big and callused.

Ninety-one: Lord Felix was an  _ excellent _ kisser.

Well… perhaps it was too soon to form an opinion on the god’s kissing. Lord Felix had been disappointingly chaste in his affections. His hands had only strayed from Eiji’s waist to stroke his hair and cradle his face, and though Eiji had opened his lips in invitation, his master had not deepened their kisses.

No one would have guessed that from the way the god had beamed when he bid Eiji good night at the curtain of his room. He’d seemed more glowing and replete than Lord Antony had ever been after making love with Lord Marcus, and all from a few chaste kisses. What a strange god Eiji served.

He wasn’t sure why the thought made his lips curve irrepressibly upwards, but it did.

When Eiji pushed through his curtain, he was a little disappointed to find that Lord Felix had already left for his day’s labors in the elder rooms, though of course he’d known that would be the case. More unexpected was the note on the little table, tucked under the carefully wrapped remnants of the loaf they’d made last night.

As Eiji reached for it, he remembered the eager way his master had watched as he took the first warm bite of their bread. He’d seemed to revel in the sight of Eiji’s pleasure, even cheering softly when Eiji pronounced it ‘good.’

Eiji smiled at the memory as he unfolded the note and began reading the tiny, careful script.

_ Dear Eiji, _

_ Thank you again for a wonderful time last night. Perhaps we could do it again sometime soon? Next time, though, I’ll leave the business of shaping the loaf to your superior expertise. _

_ Is it strange to thank you for kissing me? Probably, but I feel so grateful I have to say it anyway. Thank you for standing so close to me, thank you for pressing your beautiful soft lips to mine, thank you for letting your breath warm my face. It was a moment I’ll treasure forever. Thank you for sharing it with me. _

_ I can’t imagine the courage it must have taken for you to make that request. But I shouldn’t have been surprised; your bravery astonishes me and humbles me all the time. It’s terrifying to give something new your all- myself, I’m always tempted to give a halfhearted effort because I’m afraid to learn that my best isn’t good enough- but you do it every day, and then you come back to the rooms you share with a stranger and you still have the courage to talk with me. It makes me weak in the knees just to think about how brave you are. _

_ I hope these sorts of sentiments might be easier for you to handle in a letter than with me right there, making you feel like you have to respond. You  _ **_don’t_ ** _ have to respond, just for the record. I only want you to know how wonderful I think you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life. _

_ I hope you have a good day. I know that I will, because I can look forward to seeing you this evening. _

_ Yours, _

_ Felix _

Eiji stared down at the little scrap of paper for an embarrassingly long time. He was liable to make himself late, but he couldn’t stop rereading the words. His vision blurred, and he realized he was in danger of crying. A hasty step back ensured that none of his tears would damage the paper.

He refolded the note carefully and suppressed a ridiculous urge to clutch it to his chest. That would crumple the paper, and he had no intention of letting even the slightest hint of a tear or wrinkle damage it.

As such, Eiji disregarded his next impulse, which was to tuck the note into the pocket of his robe and carry it with him all day. No, he needed to preserve this fragile little thing so that he could keep it forever. He took it back to his room, undid the straps on the bookshelf, and tucked the note between the pages of a chunky volume of poetry. Only once it was secured did he set off for the kitchen.

He was hardly aware of where his feet were taking him. His head was too full of words to make any note of his surroundings.

The bit that stayed stuck in his mind most powerfully was the line about how Eiji made his master ‘weak in the knees.’ Every time he ran over the words, he felt the response echoed in his own knees.

He caused a reaction in a god. He caused Lord Felix to have…  _ feelings, _ and strong ones. It was unthinkable, but that didn’t erase the full-body thrills of pleasure that chased one another through him as he thought about it.

Before he knew it, Eiji was opening the door to the kitchens. He tried to tame his expression into something neutral, but as soon as he walked through the door, everyone was looking at him.

“Eiji!” Norio nearly bowled him over in his rush to reach Eiji’s side. “How did it go?”

Eiji was too startled to reply, but he felt traitorous heat creeping over his face at the memory.  _ Cold, soft lips, unfathomably powerful hands gentle in his hair, his name whispered like a prayer between kisses… _

Norio hooted loudly, and Eiji fought down an impulse to turn and run from the kitchens. That would hardly be an indicator of the courage his master had lauded in his note.

“Lay off, Norio,” Zenji scolded.

Eiji hadn’t noticed the older man coming to join them, but his hand clamped down on Eiji’s shoulder in a gesture that reassured him more than he would have guessed possible from a simple touch. He straightened under it and tried to will the flush from his cheeks.

“All right, all right, sorry.” Norio hardly looked chastened, scooting even closer to Eiji. “But what happened?”

Yudai shook his head reprovingly, but he moved closer as well. “He doesn’t have to tell you, Norio.”

Other men were also drifting in their direction, eager for the gossip. Eiji cast his eyes around until he saw Rokuro, working at his station and not even glancing in his direction. He was well within earshot and had to know what was going on, but he pretended that it was of no interest whatsoever.

The gentleness of the gesture made Eiji smile as he lifted his head to look at Norio.

“If my lord wishes to discuss this with you, I’m sure he’ll find a chance to do so,” he told his nosy cadre-mate. “It isn’t my place until he does.”

Norio groaned as if he were being killed, but Zenji patted Eiji’s shoulder approvingly.

“You heard the man,” he said to the gathered workers. “Now go on, I know you all have better things to do than stand around drooling for gossip!”

Eiji headed gratefully for Rokuro’s station, where the baker finally looked up from his work and smiled.

“Your food is over there,” he said, gesturing with a jerk of his head.

Eiji scooped up the plate and settled on a barrel to eat. Norio, who had followed him back to Rokuro’s station, lost no time in resuming his wheedling.

“Come on,” he pleaded. “At least tell me if you’re together now. You are, right? You’re a couple?”

A couple? That was absurd. The word implied any number of things that would never be true of his relationship with Lord Felix.

Still, something had definitely shifted. The kisses, the note, the talk of flirting- there was something new and breathless in their relationship, and Eiji was astonished to discover that despite his usual dislike of change, he was thrilled to find out what would come next. Yes, things were not what they had been yesterday afternoon.

“Norio.” Rokuro’s voice, as close to stern as Eiji had ever heard it, sliced into his dizzy whirl of thoughts. “Eiji already told you he doesn’t want to talk about this. If you can’t leave him alone, I’ll have to banish you from my space until lunchtime, and you know I really don’t want to do that.”

Norio pouted theatrically, but Eiji thought he saw a little genuine hurt on the smaller man’s face. “Fine, sorry! I was just curious.”

“There’s plenty of other gossip anyway,” Rokuro said firmly. “Eiji, you’ll never guess what you missed this morning!”

The prompt was all it took for Norio to brighten and resume his chatter. Eiji only realized how tense he’d gotten when he relaxed. He would have hated to be the cause of a fight between Rokuro and Norio, especially now that Lord Felix had him wondering whether the two of them might become lovers.

“Lord Antony himself!” Norio said breathlessly, and Eiji nearly choked on his bite of fish. “His new offering hadn’t answered the door when Naoki brought his tray, and the silly thing didn’t even leave it outside the door! Zenji told him off for  _ that, _ you’d better believe me! But he only found out because Lord Antony brought his offering down here to ask for some food a little later!”

That didn’t make any sense. Why would Lord Antony take so much trouble for an attendant who was already boring him? Then again, the god had always been insistent that Eiji eat and rest well to ensure that he was ready to be fed from whenever Lord Antony required.

“I took up the food myself,” Norio went on. “I mentioned that it was all a little unusual, but the offering said Lord Antony wasn’t using him or anything.”

Rokuro chuckled, not seeming to notice Eiji’s continued silence. “That’s hardly surprising. He’s terribly loud and clumsy, just from what little I saw.”

“Aw, he seemed like a sweet kid,” Norio said defensively. “I thought he might cry or hug me, he was so happy to see the eggs.”

“All right, but that kind of stance from the temple’s choice?” The baker’s voice was incredulous as he added flour to his trench.

“Oh, hadn’t you heard?” Norio grinned with the pleasure of relaying new gossip. “He wasn’t the temple’s choice. In fact, from what I hear, he was in the back row.”

Eiji resumed eating mechanically, though he couldn’t taste his food.

It did make sense that the young man he’d met wasn’t the temple’s choice. As Rokuro had observed, he was a little clumsier and much more talkative than the priests would have condoned. What on earth had motivated Lord Antony to choose him?

More than that, why had the god taken the trouble to escort this subpar offering to the kitchens himself?

It was so strange to think of Lord Antony in the kitchens. The idea made Eiji’s skin prickle uncomfortably. He felt claustrophobic and exposed all at once at the idea of this cozy sanctuary being viewed by the unimpressed silver eyes of his master.

His  _ former  _ master, he reminded himself. He belonged to Lord Felix now. He’d been chosen and found worthy.

It felt like a lie. He wished he’d brought the note after all, something real and tangible that he could grab to assure himself that he was wanted.

Still, even without the talisman… there was the oven in which they’d baked their penis loaf last night. There was the trench where their hands had moved and kneaded together. And that spot, that exact bit of the counter that Norio was sitting on, that was where Eiji had leaned as they…

“We kissed,” he blurted, and flushed when the other two turned to gawk at him.

He was being ridiculous, he knew. But if he told Rokuro and Norio, that would make it all more real. It would give his memories enough weight and heft that he’d be able to cling to them instead of falling into useless speculation about gods who no longer concerned him.

“I don’t know if we’re… together, or anything,” he faltered after the silence dragged too long, “but we kissed. It was only kissing. I wouldn’t have… I mean, of course I offered, not that my lord needs my permission, but…”

“Of course he’s taking it slow,” Rokuro cut in, grinning enormously. “Lord Felix isn’t some pushy brute. Oh, Eiji, did he make it nice for you? I’m sure he did. Gah! I’m so happy for you!”

The baker threw his arms around Eiji, doughy hands making a mess of his robes, and Norio quietly chanted, “I  _ knew  _ it I  _ knew  _ it I  _ knew  _ it,” and this time, Eiji’s blush came with a shaky grin.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this chapter is pretty much just fluff.

Eiji wasn’t sure what to expect as he approached Lord Felix’s door.

The god would have finished his own work first today, so he would most likely be waiting. But that was just the trouble. What would he be waiting  _ for?  _ What happened after kissing if someone didn’t plan to bed you? Was Eiji supposed to pretend that last night had never happened? And what would his master want him to say about the wonderful note?

When he entered, Lord Felix wasn’t in the sitting room. Soft splashes from the god’s washroom indicated that he was still cleaning up. His shift in the elder rooms must have run long. Grateful for the chance to do his own tidying up before letting his master see him, Eiji slipped behind his own curtain as quickly as he could. 

Perhaps it was silly to be so excited about this chance to do some primping. Clearly, Lord Felix didn’t care if Eiji was disheveled from work. He certainly hadn’t had a chance to straighten himself up before the god kissed him. Still, he couldn’t help wanting to look his best.

Eiji didn’t realize he was stalling until he completed his hundredth stroke with the hairbrush and then kept going.

This was ridiculous. It was Lord Felix out there, Lord Felix who hadn’t minded when Eiji threw up on him and made him cry. Why should Eiji be frightened to face him now, just because they’d kissed?

Maybe it wasn’t just the kiss. Maybe it was the way he’d daydreamed about it all day, swooning about the letter and bragging to his friends so outrageously that they had asked if he and his master were a  _ couple.  _ Maybe he was afraid to learn that the kiss hadn’t changed anything about their relationship after all. Maybe…

“Eiji?” Damn, how did such a soft voice manage to drive every other sound and thought from his mind?

Eiji scrambled for the door/blanket, practically skidding into his bow at Lord Felix’s feet. “Yes, my lord? How may I serve you?”

The god had been hovering by the blanket, so close that Eiji’s feet were still on the other side as he bowed. Now Lord Felix knelt. A second later, his fingers ghosted over Eiji’s shoulder.

“Would you please raise your head for me, sweetheart?” he asked.

When Eiji met his master’s eyes, he was surprised to find that Lord Felix looked a little flustered. The god was smiling his usual warm smile, but his eyes were nervous and searching in a way that Eiji hadn’t seen before. He smelled different, too, slightly floral… was that perfume?

“Y-your day?” Lord Felix’s voice was as close to a squeak as Eiji had ever heard it. “How… sorry. I mean. How was your day?”

“Your servant is well,” Eiji squeaked back. “My lord’s concern honors me.”

Lord Felix lifted a hand and fidgeted nervously with the end of one of his ropes of hair. “That’s good! Good.”

Silence stretched between them. Eiji dared a surreptitious sniff…. Yes, definitely perfume.

“I said you didn’t need to respond to my note, and I meant it,” the god said at last. “But if I may just ask… did it make you uncomfortable? I don’t want to be too forward.”

Eiji was startled into bluntness. “I loved it!”

At long last, Lord Felix met his gaze fully. The god looked so hopeful that Eiji found his guts twisting around that strange soft feeling again.

“Really?” his master breathed, a smile spreading over his face. “That’s wonderful! Thank you!”

What was Lord Felix thanking him for? Liking the note? Then again, he’d also thanked Eiji for kissing him…

“If I haven’t scared you off, may I ask you for a favor?” The god looked sheepish, but Eiji’s heart leaped at the words.

“Nothing would please your servant more, my lord!” he gushed, feeling the corners of his own mouth rise irrepressibly. “Please allow me to be of service!”

“May I please drink from you?”

Joy sparked all up and down Eiji’s spine. “It would be my pleasure, my lord.”

He tilted his head to bare his neck, but instead of latching on, his master got to his feet and extended a hand to help Eiji up as well. 

_ Gods.  _ Eiji was in danger of swooning as their palms met and clasped together. Had the touch of his master’s cold, rough hand always been so thrilling? Each miniscule scrape from a callus felt like the shocks one got from rubbing wool.

Eiji followed obediently as his master led him over to one of the big, soft chairs. Of course. Lord Felix had mentioned before that he preferred to feed while Eiji was sitting down.

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yes, my lord.”  _ Please, please just bite me!  _ “I am unworthy of my lord’s kind concern.”

“Sweetheart, we both know that’s not true.”

Lord Felix spoke with such assurance that Eiji didn’t dare to contradict him. Anyhow, he didn’t want to risk ruining the moment and losing his chance to serve in such a vital (not to mention intimate) way.

Lord Felix leaned closer, and Eiji closed his eyes in anticipation. The god’s perfume tickled his nose, and every hair on his body seemed to lift in delicious tension. Then chilly lips found his neck and sharp teeth bit deep.

It felt… good. It had never hurt very much when Lord Antony had fed from him, either, but this was still so much better. When the familiar icy pull of blood loss and accompanying lightheadedness slammed into him, Eiji felt no fear of leaning into the strong arm that had crept around his shoulders.

Lord Felix only took two or three swallows, but when he pulled his mouth away from Eiji’s throat, he left his arm in place, cradling him tenderly as his head spun from that dizziness that always followed a feeding. It was wonderful to rest like this, to give his weight over to his master and trust that he would be supported. 

After a long moment, Eiji opened his eyes blearily and found that Lord Felix’s face was still just a few inches away from his own. The god’s pupils were blown wide and his lips were trembling a little, but there wasn’t even the slightest drop or smear of blood still clinging to them.

His lips. Full and soft, so gentle they could make a kiss feel like a daydream. Eiji didn’t realize he was staring until those gorgeous lips moved.

“Eiji? May I please kiss you?”

Eiji was so drunk on the strange elation that followed a feeding, he didn’t even answer. He just leaned in and brought his lips to Lord Felix’s.

The first few kisses were hesitant and blundering, but just like last night, they quickly found one another’s rhythm. The god’s lips were just as wonderful as before, just as soft and undemanding, and Eiji’s whole body thrummed with their every movement. Lord Felix’s arm tightened around his shoulders and pressed him closer to the great bulk of the god’s chest. Had anybody ever been cradled more tenderly?

Eiji didn’t plan to brush his tongue over Lord Felix’s lips, but somehow it was happening anyway. As soon as it did, the god’s mouth opened so easily to his tentative exploration that Eiji forgot to be shocked with himself.

Lord Felix’s mouth was startlingly warm compared with the chill of his skin. A second later, Eiji registered the rich, metallic taste.  _ Ah.  _ The heat had come from his own blood. That might have been an off-putting thought if not for the way Lord Felix moaned right then, his whole body seeming to melt against Eiji’s.

They kissed until Eiji’s head was spinning worse than ever, not from the blood loss but from the careful flicks of Lord Felix’s tongue and the way the god held him. He was achingly hard and his lips felt hot and swollen by the time his master pulled back, just far enough to press their foreheads together.

“Eiji,” the god whispered, his voice ragged and reverent. “Gods, Eiji. A person could get addicted to your kisses.”

Wishing that he could come up with something flirtatious to say in response, Eiji could only manage a dazed, “My lord honors me.”

The joyous light in his master’s eyes dimmed a little at the words, and Eiji regretted saying anything at all. Still, he had to at least try to salvage the moment that had been progressing so perfectly, and the only way forward was with more words. He just hoped he wouldn’t make things worse...

“The only greater honor would be if my lord would allow me to display the extent of my training.” Eiji didn’t know how much of his erotic training he even remembered at this point, but he hoped none of those nerves were evident in his voice, which he’d tried to pitch at a sultry whisper. “I could please you with my mouth? Or-”

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

As soon as Lord Felix said ‘sweetheart,’ Eiji knew he was going to be turned down. It didn’t matter how soft and intimate his master’s voice was; when the god was caught up in their kissing, he always called him ‘Eiji.’

“I have no doubt that you’re wonderfully skilled, but I’m not quite ready for something like that.” Sure enough. “I need to know that you want it for yourself, too, and not just to please me. Remember?”

Yes, Eiji remembered his example of ordering Rokuro and Norio to befriend him all too vividly. Still, his cock… no, his whole body thrummed with the force of his desire. How much more could he possibly want something?

“My lord-” he faltered, then fell silent.

It wasn’t his place to wheedle or persuade. He’d been far too bold tonight, in any number of ways. If his master didn’t wish to make use of him, well, that was his own fault for not being more desirable. He would simply have to hope that he could do better next time.

Seeming to sense his disappointment, Lord Felix pressed a kiss to his forehead. The god’s lips were already cooling, and the gentle touch felt like a breeze. Eiji couldn’t help relaxing into the tenderness, just a little.

“Anyhow, it wouldn’t be safe tonight,” Lord Felix said. “It’s been almost a year since I had any elf blood, so I’m… not at my best or sanest. Tomorrow night, I have to drink from a prisoner. It’s horrible. But I shouldn’t complain. I’m sure it’s much worse to  _ be  _ the prisoner.”

Eiji couldn’t understand half of what the god was saying, but of course it wasn’t his place to ask. Instead, he tried to school his face into a sympathetic expression as his mind wondered incredulously how  _ this  _ could fail to be anybody’s ‘best or sanest.’ As if to provide more fuel for his doubt, Lord Felix gave him a warm smile and another kiss, this time on his cheek.

“It’s usually my least favorite night of the year. But this year I get to come home to you afterwards, which I’ve found improves life a great deal.”

_ My lord honors his unworthy servant.  _ The words seemed to fill Eiji’s mouth and batter at his teeth to be let out, but he swallowed them down. Whenever he spoke, he ruined everything.

Instead, he offered a smile and hoped that it would convey the joy, the almost painful softness he felt.

It seemed to do well enough, because the god smiled shyly, ducking his head so that he could peer at Eiji through his lashes.

“Kissing should be safe enough, though. If you’re willing…?”

Eiji was.  _ More  _ than willing, in fact. As his master’s hands tangled carefully in his hair, Eiji remembered Lord Felix’s words.

_ A person could also get addicted to  _ **_your_ ** _ kisses, my lord. I think I already am. _


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for references to suicidal thoughts.

Chapter 26

Lord Felix was already gone by the time Eiji got back from the kitchens. He could tell as soon as he stepped through the door that the rooms were empty.

It was strange, the way his heart sank at the realization. When he’d lived with Lord Antony, he’d always been thrilled to return from his exercises and find that he had the place to himself. It meant he could relax, doing his chores and tidying himself up without worrying that he would make too much noise or get in his master’s way.

Now, though, he felt a twinge of disappointment when he realized that he would be alone for a while.

Perhaps he wasn’t exactly  _ comfortable  _ when Lord Felix was looking at him, but it wasn’t because he was afraid of angering the god with a noise or a moment of clumsiness. He still feared breaking whatever strange enchantment had won him so much favor with Lord Felix, but if vomiting on him hadn’t done it, Eiji doubted that excessive splashing as he washed up would be the final straw either.

Even the little curtained bedchamber, where Lord Felix had only come twice since Eiji’s arrival, felt colder and dimmer than usual. Still, Eiji cleaned himself up and tried to think of what to do with himself. It was a question that had dominated the last six years of his life. These days, though, he rarely had a moment to ask- certainly not when he was in the galley, another toiling subject in the domain of Lord Zenji.

Fortunately, he remembered the little chore Lord Felix had been kind enough to permit him, but which he hadn’t had the chance to perform since his injury. He went into the god’s washroom and set out his basin, cloth, soap, and oils. However, no matter how he fussed with the arrangement, that task was quickly over.

Sighing, Eiji drifted back to his little alcove and perused the bookshelves- Hiroya’s bookshelves, he supposed. He wished he were fonder of reading. That might have been the only similarity between his two masters, now that he thought about it. They were both avid readers. Eiji found that he didn’t like thinking of them at the same time, however, and returned to idly running his fingers over the spines of Hiroya’s books.

Eiji suddenly remembered Fact 44: Lord Felix had enjoyed discussing poetry with Hiroya! Maybe he could read one of these poetry books and provide his master with some actual conversation for a change.

He found one and flopped down on the bed, determined to make some kind of sense out of the lines. Lord Felix was sure to tire of him if he couldn’t provide more stimulating interactions than ‘this is how we make bread’ and ‘I like carrots.’

If only this weren’t a book of Masaya’s poetry. He’d never been able to understand why people liked her work so much.

Really, why did anybody like  _ any  _ poetry? It was so stilted and awkward! ‘Hands so small, to hold the whole of me.’ What was  _ that? _ People didn’t  _ talk _ this way!

When he heard the door open, Eiji told himself that the great, joyous leap in his heart was just his relief at having an excuse to toss the book aside. He dashed into the sitting room and dropped down at his master’s feet before he’d even had time to finish shutting the door.

Even the tiny glimpse Eiji had caught of Lord Felix before kneeling was enough to loosen half the knots in his stomach and tighten the other half. That big, solid figure back in the room, back where Eiji could feel his presence and hear his steps… it just felt  _ right.  _ He smiled against the carpet.

“Welcome back, my lord.” He didn’t bother trying to hide the pleasure in his voice, though he flushed a little at how openly enthusiastic he was being.

For his part, Lord Felix’s voice was a little duller than usual. “Thank you, sweetheart. It’s wonderful to see you. Would you raise your head, please?”

Eiji was grateful for the chance to survey his master’s countenance. Sure enough, the god looked tired and sad, though he squeezed up a smile as his eyes met Eiji’s.

“How was your day?” Lord Felix asked, dropping to one knee and undoing the laces of his boots.

“It was nice, my lord.” Eiji wished the god would let him handle the task, but it was already done, so there was no point in asking.

Lord Felix went to wash up, and Eiji knelt by his chair. He was a little shocked at his own presumption, and even more shocked when he realized that there wasn’t any part of him that thought his master would be displeased by his nearness.

Sure enough, Lord Felix smiled at him when he returned and saw where he was.

“Thank you for laying out my things again,” the god said, settling into his chair. “It was very kind of you.”

Eiji ducked his head, feeling the blush tinge his cheeks. “Your servant is grateful for any opportunity to… um… serve.”

Lord Felix didn’t laugh at his fumbling, only ran his fingers through Eiji’s hair. The touch startled Eiji, and he barely avoided jumping as his master’s rough fingers made their gentle contact. The god hadn’t asked first. He  _ always  _ asked.

Ordinarily, Eiji would have been jubilant to be freed from the invariably awkward task of giving his master permission to touch his own possession. Today, however, he couldn’t stop thinking about how unhappy Lord Felix had looked. He suspected that this abrupt touch had come not because the god felt more at ease in his ownership of Eiji, but because he was lost in his dark thoughts.

Perhaps Eiji was projecting. Just because his mind tended to take bleak, unpleasant paths if it was unoccupied didn’t mean that everyone else had the same problem. Anyhow, what would Lord Felix even have to brood over? He was kind, useful, beloved, everything Eiji never managed to be. He was  _ perfect. _

Still, he had seemed so downcast. Perhaps a good attendant would not ask impertinent questions, would simply  _ know  _ the right way to cheer his master, but Eiji had never been a good attendant.

He gathered his courage. “My lord? May your servant enquire… are you all right?”

Lord Felix hesitated, his fingers pausing in Eiji’s hair. Eiji tensed. Had he gone too far?

“Thank you so much for asking,” his master said at last. “I don’t know how I’m going to manage to deserve your kindness.”

Not even daring to breathe, Eiji waited. He was grateful for the undeserved praise, of course, but it was hardly an answer to his question.

Finally, Lord Felix spoke again. “Would you please look at me, dearest? It’s hard to be honest when I’m talking to the top of your head. I need to see your face.”

Eiji obeyed at once, and his heart squeezed painfully when he saw that his master’s face was just as troubled as his voice. His dark eyes shone with tears, and though his face was no more lined than usual, they weren’t the smile lines this time. Eiji felt strangely frantic at the sight of his unhappiness.

“I drank from the elf,” Lord Felix said miserably. “If Antony hadn’t pulled me away, I would have drained her dry. She’s just young, and now her whole life is going to be wasted in one little room to feed a swarm of murderous parasites. Gods, Eiji, I’m so sorry.”

His voice cracked over Eiji’s name, and the glimmering tears spilled over onto his cheeks.

Eiji still didn’t know what an elf was, and it took him a moment to understand why his master was suddenly apologizing to him. When he finally made the connection, though, he was almost insulted.

His life was not being  _ wasted. _ Maybe the elf’s was, but not his. The last few weeks had been some of the best of his life, even with all his mistakes. How many slaves who stayed home in the city were as fortunate as him? Never mind slaves, how many free people? He had work he enjoyed, people who seemed to like him, and a master who seemed to value him beyond all reason. None of it felt like a waste.

Lord Felix went on, his voice so low and rough that Eiji’s irritation faded immediately. “I wonder sometimes… I suppose everything lives at something else’s expense, but I take so  _ much.  _ I try to be good, but I don’t know if it’s possible to be good enough to justify the price of my survival. I think if I were actually moral, I would just-”

Eiji didn’t think he’d interrupted anybody in years. Certainly he’d never dreamed of interrupting a god. But he couldn’t bear to hear what he felt sure Lord Felix was about to say, so he threw himself against his master’s knees, wrapping an arm daringly around his legs and squeezing.

“No, my lord!” he cried. “Please don’t say that! It isn’t true!”

He was bold enough in his distress to chance a look up. Lord Felix was staring down at him in astonishment, his mouth slightly ajar. Eiji didn’t even try to blink back the sudden tears pricking his eyes as he stared back in mute appeal.

“Oh, Eiji,” the god said finally, “please forgive me. I shouldn’t have said that. I wouldn’t… it’s just thoughts, sweetheart, I promise. It’s not going to happen. I’m so sorry.”

All Eiji could muster in return were more tears.

His master’s hands pressed him in closer, one on his shaking shoulders, the other cradling his head. After a moment, though, Lord Felix gave a frustrated huff.

“I… Eiji, may I please hold you?” he asked.

As soon as he heard the words, Eiji realized just how much he longed for exactly that. Instead of answering, he took advantage of the sudden burst of courage his alarm had given him and crawled up into Lord Felix’s lap.

His bravado only lasted until his ass brushed his master’s knees. They were so hard and  _ real  _ that he suddenly realized what he was doing and froze.

_ This is ridiculous. This can’t be what he meant. I’m not some pretty, delicate thing like Norio or Akito. Who would want me clambering all over them? I’m being too forward and making everything worse and he’s finally going to punish me- _

Lord Felix’s big hands took over, gently guiding Eiji into place. Soon, he was seated on his master’s thighs, his legs dangling awkwardly off to one side, his head leaning on Lord Felix’s shoulder as the god’s arms wrapped tightly around him. Eiji let himself be held against that wide chest, cradled like a… well, like a lover. His master’s body was firm and cool and real and all around him, reassuring in its solidity. The panic he’d felt over Lord Felix’s words started to ease, just a little.

“Thank you.” Lord Felix punctuated the statement by pressing a soft kiss to Eiji’s hair. “I’m so sorry I alarmed you, sweetheart. If I’d been thinking, I never would have said something like that aloud in your presence.”

Eiji could feel the rumble of his chest and throat as he spoke. Somehow, that felt more intimate than any of his fevered imaginings of sexual service, and brought a blush to his cheeks even as he mulled over the god’s words.

“But… forgive me, my lord… you  _ do  _ think it?” he ventured.

His master was quiet for a moment before admitting, “Sometimes. But I promise I would never act on it. I wouldn’t leave you unprotected like that.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about!” Eiji snapped.

Oh gods. Had he really spoken so disrespectfully to his master? No amount of distress could possibly excuse such insolence! However, before he could begin pouring out the necessary flood of apologies, Lord Felix spoke again.

“I meant no offence, sweetheart,” he soothed, kissing Eiji’s head again. “It’s not just for your sake, I promise. I like being alive, and I like the world, and I want to stay here. I just wonder if I have any right to enjoy it as much as I do, since I’ve done- and continue to do- so much harm. I’m not going anywhere, but I don’t think anyone could make the case that, overall, the world is improved by my presence in it.”

“But my lord, it is!” Eiji wasn’t sure why he kept arguing the point. It wasn’t his place to contradict his master, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. “Please forgive your servant’s presumption, but you spend all your time in the elder rooms helping people! And you have so many friends who love you dearly, my lord, Zenji and Rokuro and Yudai and everyone. Their lives would be so much less happy without you! And… while I am unworthy of my lord’s many kindnesses and attentions, they nevertheless bring me great joy.”

Eiji shut his mouth, blushing afresh. Had he ever said so many words to Lord Felix at once? And he’d spoken so informally! The priests would despair of him if they knew. He was a disgrace to his temple and his teachers.

It was hard to care about that, though, when Lord Felix was cradling him even tighter against his chest and dipping his head to press a fervent kiss to his cheek.

“Oh, Eiji,” the god breathed, and Eiji thought from his voice and the dampness of his lips that he must be crying in earnest now. “Thank you. More than anything, I want to do right by you. Maybe that shouldn’t feel more important than trying to balance some kind of cosmic scale, but it does. ”

Eiji finally lifted his head from his master’s shoulder and craned it around to meet his gaze. Sure enough, Lord Felix was crying, but his smile was so warm and grateful that Eiji wasn’t at all afraid to tilt his chin, silently offering his lips.

For once, the god granted his unspoken plea without any further discussion. 

Lord Felix’s mouth was cool this time, but it moved with the same sweet softness. It was also strangely awkward for someone who must have spent more time kissing than Eiji had in his whole lifespan. Once he noticed the awkwardness, Eiji realized the reason: whenever Eiji’s tongue was in his mouth, his master stopped moving his lips. Was he offended by his attendant’s presumption? No, he gave a pleased-sounding groan and opened his mouth encouragingly to Eiji’s shy explorations. Then why...?

A moment’s tentative searching soon uncovered the reason. The god’s lips were drawn tightly over his fangs to keep them from pricking his offering. 

Something about the gesture made Eiji press closer to Lord Felix, his heart swelling with that strange, painful softness. He didn’t care that the movement smashed his arm against the god’s chest. Maybe next time he would even be bold enough to put that arm around his master and squeeze, doing his best to hold him the way he held Eiji.

Some hours later, when he was getting ready for bed and doing his best to ignore his growing sexual frustration, it occurred to Eiji that he was quite sure there would be a next time, and the assumption didn’t even feel like insolence. 

_ What in the world is coming over me? _

**Author's Note:**

> AMAZING art by [the_little_flower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_little_flower/pseuds/the_little_flower) right [here!](https://karenisyourfriend.tumblr.com/post/636702691814424576/ive-been-drawing-a-lot-of-eiji-and-felix-by)  
> Seriously, you have to check it out. I love the character designs so much!


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